Would you say that adopted children feels an inner sense of abandonment even if they had great APs?

Question

And if so, how do they get rid of that? or can they?

Answer 1

Oh I really wish I could find the article written from the perspective of an adoptive mother regarding her adopted daughter. It does speak at great length of her studies of adopted children and their feelings of abandonment and other issues that arise in later life.... Including what happens to babies who are taken quickly from their moms and given to another woman.

Here is an interesting article focusing on a similar question to yours.

Answer 2

You can't get rid of it.

You can learn to deal with it.

I'd definitly say adoptees have abandonment issues, after all, until we hear the whole, unbiased story, all we know is that our birth mother left us.

A lot of the time it's a lot more complicated than that, but to children, all they know is 'mommy didn't want me,'

Answer 3

Unquestionably, and they can't get rid of it - but I think that reuniting with their real parents helps.

Answer 4

Oh absolutely. As an adoptive mom, I fully anticipate that my daughter will have some intense feelings regarding her abandonment and all I can do is listen. As much as it will hurt my heart, I know I can't fix it as her abandonment had nothing to do with me, yet at the same time, as a mom, I think I should be able to "make it all okay", but the reality is I know I never can.

I have been told before by a domestic adoptive mom that she envied me because I had an "excellent explanation" regarding abandonment that she apparently felt my daughter would just accept with grace and move on. As if. Another China adoptive mom said that she told her daughter all about the one-child policy and how they could not keep her even if they wanted to and all the danger they faced from forced late-term abortions to sterilization to prison, but despite the risks, the wanted her to be found quickly so they left her in a public place... but after that lengthy explanation that left no room for doubt that they could not keep her, her daughter responded in deep pain: "but why didn't they keep ME?"

I think the feelings are natural and it is my job to make sure she knows she can express them in a healthy way.

Answer 5

Yep.  How could they not.  Some feel it days before the actual separation and others when they reach old age.  It comes out eventually. This is why its important for Ap's to understand and have compassion for the situation as whole instead of justifying why the child is in their care. Its about the child and not what they feel or think about the nparents. Only if we were all perfect human beings.

I don't think there is one solution for everyone, or if there is even one. I think that having inner peace starts with "forgiveness".

It doesn't mean agreement with what happened but more so acknowledgment and/or understanding of it and that humans will continue to make god awful mistakes and continue to make them unless education and awareness  and prevention is the main focus.

I believe this is part of the reason why so many adoptee's search for their natural family.

Answer 6

Im adopted. I dont think all adopted people feel this way but a lot do. If they do feel this way, it never goes away. They will always fear that when they get close to osmething/someone they will leave or it will be gone. Its like being paronoid only it usually with people leaving. They are often really clingy or dont get close enough to a person to get hurt if they leave. I dont feel like I was abandoned because I know they werent capable to take care of 6 kids. I think they were really irasponsible of them to HAVE the kids if they were just going to leave.

Answer 7

(I am not an adoptee. As an adoptive mother I see this in my dd.)

Of course they do. I do not think you could ever get rid of that feeling. You may be able to suppress it for awhile but eventually it will surface in some other aspect of your life.

BTW I think you ask some of the best thought provoking questions. And your answers are heartfelt and raw. You are a great contribution to this forum. And I liked your poem even if others could not appreciate what was behind it.

Answer 8

This is something that depends on the Adoptee imo. There are some who feel abandoned and some that don’t. For those who do feel abandoned it may never fully go away even in some cases where someone meets their bioparents/family though it might help lessen it.

Answer 9

Yes, a lot of us do. It is great that we were chosen, but there is always that underlying sense that our own birth mothers did not love us.  As for getting rid of that feeling, I don't know if you do, you just have to get on and love yourself.  Took me a very long time, but I finally do love myself.  I was adopted at 10, so it was very difficult.

Answer 10

I would say most of the time, yes.  I think Crucio does have a point that not all adoptees feel the same way.  Also, as some adoptees realize, there is such a thing as an adoption "fog", where they don't believe they are affected negatively, but they later realize that it hurts like h**l. [ETA: I am not suggesting that ALL adoptees who do not feel negatively are in a fog.  I'm not an adoptee, and have no right to judge anyone's feelings regarding something I've never even experienced.  SOME realize they were in a fog.  SOME do not.  SOME are in pain their whole lives, and never experienced any "fog".]

I don't think that those feelings of abandonment can ever truly go away.  And I don't think those feelings have anything to do with the AP's one way or another.  An adoptee's feelings toward his/her relinquishment, abandonment, surrender, or whatever the case may be, is based on something that has nothing to do with the AP's.  No one else can touch that.  This was a HARD lesson for me to learn (and I'm sure many others).  I really wanted to believe that my love and understanding would outweigh those feelings of abandonment.  I wish I could just make it all better.  But I wasn't there, I had nothing to do with it, I CAN'T fix it.  And it's not my job.  AND, it's disrespectful of me to think it IS my job.  My job is unconditional love and support for the feelings they DO have, the things they ARE going through, and NOT trying to change it to what I want it to be.

Answer 11

Dear Looney Tunes,

Yes, i would agree that most adopted children feel an inner sense of abandonment, regardless of their aparents.

I don't believe adoptees can get rid of the sense of abandonment completely.  They can overcome it.  They can find healthy ways of managing the pain and fear that comes along with the feeling of abandonment, but it will always be a part of who they are.

Just my humble opinion, as i work thru my own issues.  Somethings are just so deep that its at the core of your being.

Answer 12

What APs need to realize is that their adopted child's sense "why was I abandoned" has NOTHING to do with the way they raised that child.

I had the best adoptive parents in the entire world. I love them. They gave me food, shelter, clothing and toys. They gave me the chance for a good education. They supported me in difficult times.

But having them as parents does not change the fact that my original mother left me. No matter how much love I receive, it will never *change* that fact.

And no, it is not because I am a self-centered b**** with issues. It is because BEFORE my adoptive parents even KNEW I existed, my mother was not there with me. My mother left me even before my adoptive parents were notified that I was an "available" baby.

Also, the fact that I am in reunion doesn't necessarily magically heal these feelings of "Why didn't my mother keep me." Quite the contrary, sometimes I feel even more "abandoned" because I have siblings that my mother kept. I feel like the outcast, the one-who-isn't-there, the one who isn't *really* part of the family. And there's nothing anyone can do resolve that because it just IS what it is.

The only way these feelings could ever completely heal would be allow me to return in time and grow up in my birth country, which obviously isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

Yes, I value that I partially have my mother back in my life - even if I can only say "I miss you" in Mandarin through the microphone, or write letters using snail mail and have a third-party translate between us. I am very appreciative and thankful that she wants to see me and that she loves me and that I know where I originated from.

But that does not negate the fact that I still lost all those years, all those events, all those memories. It never will "make up" for the loss I experienced and continue to experience when I try to "talk" online to my family.

So again, it has nothing to do with how my adoptive parents raised me. It has to do with what the adoption agency helped to promote and what my mother believed.

P.S. In regards to the first mothers:

Having to relinquish a child because you WANT to give her/him a better life and having to relinquish a child because you NEED to give her/him a better life are two very different subjects.

Answer 13

For me I never felt any sense of abandonment or loss. I had questions when I was younger and they were all answered. I know exactly why I was adopted and the circumstances leading up to the adoption. I was told by my parents and by my bio grandparents, and the stories were the same from both. I was not abandoned or unwanted. And contrary to what some believe I do not live in a "fog". For me personally there is nothing to feel bad about. The adoption is simply a fact of my life and part of what makes me who I am.

Answer 14

I'm adopted and I don't have an "inner sense of abandonment".  I am so happy with my family and friends.  I'm grateful to my birth mother for putting me up for adoption.  I am soo happy with my life! :-D

Answer 15

I am adopted and even though I was adopted in my birth family, i feel that every adopted child goes through that period, of not understanding why their birth parents choose not to keep them, I think that it is just a natural reaction, when i first found out i was adopted i was to young to understand what it meant so i was happy about it ( i was 5) during my later years, it hit me harder. My mom told me to look at it this way, out of all the babies in the world they choose me, everyones elses parents got stuck with them. It helped me,

I dont think you can get rid of it, for me it helped also after I meet my birth parents and they explained their side of the story, that they were just way to young but they loved me and wanted me to have a better life, it also helped after i had my own children. I dont feel abandonment anymore. I feel grateful if I had not been adopted my life would of been so diffrent,

Answer 16

Absolutely. I was not put up for adoption but I may as well have been. My parents seperated when I was 9 and when I was 11 my mother met my stepdad. We moved out of state and my mom got on meth. By the time I was 12 I was living with my sister (whom didn't want me either but didn't have much of a choice).. After mom and dad seperated I have spent maybe a total of 2 hours with my dad and see my mom maybe once a year... I actually went 2 years with no contact other than 2 letters when I first left her house at 12. It's been 8 years and I still feel abandoned. No one can fill that hole in your heart where your biological mom and dad are suppose to be...As much as I want to believe that I didn't need her or my dad growing up because I had other support, I know in my heart I did need her and him... I've been diagnoised with PTSD and sever reoccuring depression...