Would you see him if he was dying?

Question

When I was a child my father did some terrible things to our family and I stopped seeing him. Now I have heard through the grapevine he is dying and though I don't want to see him in my rational thoughts, I feel I could be making a mistake.I have no warm feeling towards him, but am aware that this is hurting me somewhere deep inside.

Has anyone had experience of this? Did you regret your decision either way?

Answer 1

It's your dad for god's sake. Go see him.

Answer 2

Humans make mistakes.  Its in our nature.  Forgive him for his past and visit with him for his remaining days on this earth.

Answer 3

You have to decide this on your own, but I think that if you don't go, you will have a missed opportunity that you might regret forever, whereas if you do go, you can know that you tried and did what you could even if it doesn't go well.

Answer 4

This isn't exactly the same, but perhaps my story about my grandmother might help.  When I was young, I lost all respect about my grandmother.  I learned how manipulative she was and to what extremes she'd go for attention.  She would eat cat food so her cats could get the good food.  She'd hoard Tylenol then threaten to commit suicide.  She'd say this in front of my 6 year old cousin (who is still in therapy years later).  And she would lie to all my family members to set them against each other.  I learned all this was true when she lied about my mother in front of me.  I had no respect or love for her from that moment on.  I felt that any gift she gave me was her way of trying to buy my love.  I'd leave the gifts behind.  Then about 8 years ago, my parents and I learned she's had a stroke and was in a coma in the hospital.  She was actually having several mini strokes and wasn't expected to survive.  Even though I didn't care for her, I felt I had to be there.  My mother and I were there in the room when she finally passed away.  I still haven't cried.  I don't know how I feel about her death, but it doesn't matter anyway.  It was important for me to be there, not for her, but for me.

Answer 5

You have nothing to lose by seeing him, he may want to talk to you, maybe ask you to forgive him. you will never know unless you do go and see him, you will wonder though if you do not go- so why not? take the chance and see what he has to say.

Answer 6

I went through this with my mother, and she died before we could resolve things.

That was 11 years ago, and it haunts me to this day.

I regret not seeing her. If I had, at least we could have talked. We may not have patched things up, but I would have known whether or not we could.

If I could turn back time, I'd go see her.

I can't say this is right for you, but try to imagine if he does pass, and 11 years later, like me, you sit and think of him every day, and wonder what might have happened.

Answer 7

go see him. it's a lot easier to see him now then to spend your life asking yourself if you should have gone or regretting not going!

Answer 8

Personally these are my thoughts. If you dont want to see him then dont do it. He made his choices and he did his deeds, life has finally caught up to him and in his dying days he is seeking forgiveness, if you can forgive then try but if not then later you must forgive your self.

As for the denial, thats the way a lot of people are. They will not change especially in there dying days. What matters is what YOU saw or heard or whatever. Dont let other people's hate decieve you.

And as for the comment made by BumFun, I think it was the lack of info given the first time that made him comment that way.  

Answer 9

I know it may be hard, because he hurt your family, but in my opinion it would be awful if you didn't go see him.

Regardless of what he did he is still your father, and I trust you'll feel horrible if you don't go see him before he passes away.

Answer 10

I didn't go see my aunt before she died because i was too "busy" and then she died. and i feel terrible about it. it may not be the answer your looking for but u may want to go see him. yes he messed up and all but do u ever wonder if he regrets any of it. he can try to take it back but if he dies and u don't go and regret it later u can't take it back. think about!!!!!

Answer 11

I have not experience this exactly, however growing up my real father was not around much either. I have a distant relationship with him now and but I do still put in effort to better it. You only get one life - and one father. You should visit you father now, while you have the chance and clear things up.  

Answer 12

I respect your decision but I will say to you my sweet, no matter what your Dad has done, you will hate for him to die and not be able to have seen you beforehand.

My Dad was a s.h.i.t dad, was on drugs most of his life and now he's clean 5 years, he still doesn't try his hardest, but I couldn't imagine, knowing his fate and not visiting him to tell him I love him just one last time.

Good Luck, Be Strong..x x x

Answer 13

I haven't spoken with my father in 10 years for similar reasons, so I feel for your thoughts. Just try to think about how you would feel if he passed and you didn't go see him. If you have feeling of regret or emptiness I would go see him. You don't want to live the rest of your life wondering if should have visited him or not. Then again some people you just don't need in your life, regardless of if it's your father or not. It's totally a personal decision, good luck though anyhow..

Answer 14

You should go visit him, at least once. There's no need for you to bring gifts or offer condolences or anything. Heck, you don't even have to go if you don't want to. However, you would not be responsible for visiting him again or forgiving him for anything. Just because he is dying, that does not mean you have to offer your sympathy. You may offer empathy, but he does not need your sympathy.

If you have any children, take them to see their grandfather or if you don't, just go on your own. Don't make this a personal trip. Make it a trip to see someone who is dying. Put the fact that he your father aside.

You may regret it if you don't go, and if you do go and things turn sour, then at least you know, right?

Answer 15

Even though you don't feel loving towards him I think that you should let go of your feelings and go see him, even if he doesn't ask for forgiveness and try to make his wrong ways right with you, you have to forgive him to get to heaven, so I think you should put it in Gods hands and trust that he will have to answer to God for the way he treated you. Also if you can bury the hatchet and go to see him it will speak volumes about who you are as a good person, and that will make him feel bad enough as it is. My dad wasn't there for me and my sister either and he is so ashamed every time I tell him that I love him regardlessss because he knows he was wrong. Its easy to fight fire with fire, but ultimately its just going to burn everything out so why not fight fire with water at least then you can salvage something before it all burns down, kill him with kindness. (not literally kill him) but be nice and forgiving if he has any heart, he will already feel bad, but the fact that he was so mean and uncaring to such a good forgiving person will make him feel even worse.

Answer 16

I'm a funeral director and bereavement counsellor so my answer to you is a professional one rather than a personal one.

I can't begin to understand how difficult this must be for you because I haven't been a victim of sexual and domestic abuse.  This man is your biological father and if he did nothing else good during his life, he is partly responsible for bringing you into this world.

Once he dies, he's gone forever........no second chances to make any changes.  I think you should go and see him and you need to tell him exactly how you feel.......how he hurt you and your family and how it has affected your life as you grew up.  Be specific!!  Give him examples of how it has affected you physically and mentally and how you have struggled to make sense of why he did what he did.  He may respond and answer your questions or he may not........but the important thing is that you tell him how you feel.  As hard as it may be, it would also be both helpful and healing for you to tell him you forgive him.  This in no way, shape or form means you are condoning his behaviour, nor does it mean you will forget what happened.  What it will do, is help you bring closure to what has happened and after his death, you won't be struggling with a lot of "if onlys" or "I should haves.....".  

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.

If it would be easier for you, write it all out in a letter so you can take your time and put some thought into what you want to say....then when you go to see him, read it to him and leave it with him so he can reread it when he's alone.

As much as you think he doesn't deserve to be forgiven.....remember that you are doing this for YOU!!

"Forgiveness is me giving up my right to hurt you for hurting me"