Would you tell someone elses child they were adopted?

Question

I've read on several forums where people have a friend or family member who adopted their child, but plans to never tell them they were adopted. I feel really strongly that an adoptee has the right to know they were adopted, but started to think about what I would do in that situation.

If you were in that situation would you tell the child against the parent's wishes, or would you keep the secret. If you would tell, dispite the adoptive parent's objections, would you wait until they were an adult, or tell them right away if they were old enough to understand, but still a child?

Answer 1

I'm dealing with this on an different type and adult level.  A wonderful friend has 4 adult children.  She has been contacted by the oldest, who was placed for adoption.  She has never told anyone that she gave the child up except for a few of us.  The oldest wishes to have contact, and works at a place in Minnesota where she helps adoptees find their birth parents.  My friend refuses to open the door to communication, based on the fact that she never told her younger 3 kids.  When she told me (we'd been best friends for years when she did), it explained so many things that has gone on in her life.  I believe that her kids have the right to know that they have a sister.  The sister wants to get to know her siblings, and her mother.  

And more in reference to your question, I dated a man who had adopted his neice.  She was 7 and hadn't been told.  It was her older brother who told her in the heat of an argument.  When anyone knows, it can always come out, and I'd tell the children, so they grow up with it being a normal fact, not a shock.  We will be totally honest from day 1 about our son being adopted, and from the experiences that I've talked to healthy minded adoptees, that grew up in healthy minded homes, it seems to be the best avenue.

Answer 2

I would mind my business...it's not my place.  Once the child was old enough if I really felt strong enough I would talk to the parents and maybe try and get a better understanding of why they don't want to tell.  Maybe by then they may change their mind...u never know...

Answer 3

This is a hard one because I agree that the adoptee has a right to know.  However I feel that it is not up to anyone else to be the informant besides the parents.  So I guess I would keep my mouth shut about it.  I know that as a parent I would be devastated if someone else went against my wishes regarding my children.

Answer 4

As with any family decision, if I am not a member of that family, I have no right to interfere.

I understand that you feel strongly about this...I happen to agree with you for several reasons.  However, I feel more strongly that people make decisions for reasons that are none of my business.  

Be well.

Answer 5

You should not tell because it is the parent's choice and no one elses.  If they choose not to tell, then they will have to deal with the consequences.  It's not your business!

Answer 6

This is a decision that is different for every family.  Some families may find it more harmful to tell their adopted children than it would be good for them.  it is best to leave the notification to the parents.  That is something that no one should interfere with.