Would you tell them?

Question

the little boy i am thinking of adopting has been raised by his aunt his mother was a hooker who did drugs so his father is unknown and his mother overdosed on drugs when he was three months old he is now two and a half his aunt is giving him up because she is tired of taking care of him and wants nothing to do with him with his parents unknown and his only blood relatives abandoning him pretty much would you tell him he is adopted when he gets older or just keep it a secret because he could never find his parents anyway

Answer 1

I would tell him because he has the right to know. I think everyone needs to know where they came from and just to know the truth of their own history. You wait till the time is right for you and him to talk about it...one day. Plus if you dont tell him, one day he will ask why is there no baby pics of him or things that happened while you were pregnant with him. No matter what, you will always be his mother, the one who wanted him while every one else didnt care!

Answer 2

You need to start telling him early. Don't wait in til he's older just to make him mad you hid this from him, he will be able to accept  what happened if their is no secrets. i wouldn't tell him all the bad things about is birth family for that does nothing but harm, he can always find out the whys latter. And what do you mean he could never find his parents anyways. that's so wrong. How would you feel not to know about your parents

Answer 3

yes by all means when he is old enough let him knwo hes adopted. dont' keep that secret and when he is older to understand really well then tell him the truth about much as you know. this is for him to know the truth and it will help him and he will be fine but dont' hold the turth from him

Answer 4

tell him hes adopted. he has the right to know and if you dont somebody else will. he has a right to know who his family is and who & what his mother was. tell him he was adopted when hes lil then explain everything when hes older

Answer 5

eventually he will have to know, but in small amounts at a time and in age appropriate words. See: Lifebooks: Creating a Treasure for the Adopted Child

Author: Beth O'Malley

Description:

Are you looking for guidance in creating a lifebook for your baby or child? This book walk you through the process, page by page.

Answer 6

I think a child always deserves to know the truth of their history and life before being adopted.  Obviously you need to be wise about WHEN to share the exact details of everything because, let's face it, a 3 year old doesn't need to know his mother was a druggie and probably wouldn't understand that anyway.  If you adopt him, make sure he knows from the beginning that he's adopted.  People who wait to tell the child and then wonder why they have emotional scars are just foolish to me.  If the child knows from the beginning, then it's much better in my opinion.  At some point, I'm sure he WILL ask about all the details and that's when you can tell him....when he's ready and when he can understand it.

Answer 7

Yes, you have to tell him that he is adopted.  But, the darker details really should wait until he is old enough to digest them, understand them.

Answer 8

I might tell him when he is 18, he kind of deserves to know. But I would not tell him sooner then that. Congratulations!

Answer 9

Secrets have a way of coming out.  Tell him right away that you are adopting him.  He is not too young to know.  He may not understand at first.  Let him know that his aunt can't take care of him and knows that you can take good care of him.

Does he not know that the woman raising him is his aunt?  

When he starts to ask questions, answer them as honestly as possible, and assure him of how much you love and want him.

If you lie, he'll resent you when he does find out.

I'm 58, but just found out in April that I was adopted.  I was 57 when I found out.  

I resent my Mama, who didn't legally adopt me.  My birth mother gave me to the doctor, who gave me to my Mama and Daddy.  I never doubted how much I was loved and wanted, but she lied by omission, and I am angry with her about that.

They're both dead, and have been for over 25 years, so they can't give me any information, and nobody else knows anything, even though they all think I was adopted legally.  They can't give me names or anything.  

I want to know my medical background and my heritage, and I may never find out.  I feel a huge void in my life.  

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Answer 10

Yes you should tell him he is adopted get some storybooks on adoption and explain it to him the best you can for his age. As far as his birthparents some of that information I would save till he is older at least in his mid teens.  If he asks why he was given up say  something simple his birthparents could not properly care and provide for him.

Answer 11

He needs to know he is adopted from day 1.  At two and a half he will have memories of living with his family, and trying to deny that is just wrong.

That doesn't mean that he has to have all the sordid details.  You can answer his questions in an age appropriate way, emphasizing that his parents and aunt made choices that you don't agree with, but that that does not make them bad people or him a bad person.

It's sad that he will not ever have contact with his mom, but you can at least maintain the fiction that she loved him, and would not have wanted to give him up, if she had lived.

Keeping anything a secret form a child is difficult, but especially an adoption that others will certainly know about.  It is much better for the child to KNOW that he has two families, and that the one he is growing up with loves him very much, than to let him guess and make up all kinds of things.

Maybe someday his aunt will come around, and be willing to answer his questions.

Good luck... I am glad this little guy has someone who loves him.

Answer 12

YES he needs to know he is adopted. I would not tell him from day one that his mother was a hooker who overdoed, no one knows who his father is and the aunt didn't want him anymore....

Be age appropriate. First of all begin by letting him know he is adopted because you wanted him so much and how much you love him.

If he asks about his birth mother start by telling him she was unable to keep him and give him a good life (which is true). If he asks about his birth father tell you do not know about his birth father (again tis is true).

As he gets older and he questions you more, you can ad more details as he is able to handle them.

He will have a lot to deal with as an adult but he will also have you behind him giving him all the love you can.

Answer 13

i am adopted and have always known, it made me feel special, i was chosen, i have 5 siblings all adopted all knew our whole life, why when he gets older, tell him how special he is , tell him don't dwell on some one abandoning him, some one made him for you, it is all in the wording, tell him, everyday, be proud make him feel proud and loved and special, it is not a dirty little secret don;t make him feel as though it is

Answer 14

What if you were him?  

What rights of yours would you want trampled?

Answer 15

I agree with the other posters. He should know he is adopted but the fine details should be held off until he is older.  Even then I would be careful about the way I phrased things. Don't use "abandoned" and "hooker". I would be much more gentle and use empathy.

Answer 16

yes, please tell him that he is adopted. but as to the other details about his parents i would wait until he is older to go into detail about them. That way he can understand it better.

Answer 17

you better tell him. i was adopted from birth, don' tknow my father, and although i got a copy of my VOID birth cirtificate my mother was born in korea. she doesn't have a SS number for me to track her with. I will never see either of them.

it's not about weather he ever sees them it's about weather he's living a lie or not. weather you think he will find out is irrelivant. someone will tell him weather he gets sick and finds out in a hospital or weather a kid tells him. it would be better from you as soon as possible. don't add lies to is abandonment he will resent you for it.

Answer 18

Yes, I would tell him that he was adopted. I would tell him that his mother had a drug habit and that nobody knew who the father was.  Most boys don't even go looking for their birth parents.  I would also tell him that his aunt simply couldn't handle a small child any more.

Answer 19

Yes, I would tell him.

   Trying to hide it from him will only require you to lie in the future. Eventually, discrepancies will be found. Pictures or stories of you from the months prior to his birthdate: noticeably not pregnant. Future medical issues. Questions about details of the day he was born and the first 2 1/2 years o his life, how he was brought into the world, etc. Based on my experience, he is destined to find out.

   Trying to hide it from him will only cause him to feel it is something to be embarassed about, or ashamed of. IT IS NOT. By the magic of adoption, no matter what the circumstances, he was delivered into your heart, your life. I am sure you are aware of how lucky you are, how beautiful your union was.

   I would let him share that experience.

Answer 20

You should tell him he's adopted, definately.  You don't have to give him all the details...maybe just tell him his mother died but you don't know why.  You can tell him everything when he's much older and more mature.  It will be hard for him to hear, but he deserves to know it all at some point, because it is his history.  I think he will forgive you for not disclosing all the details when he was young given the circumstances.

Answer 21

I would tell him. It's best to tell an adoptive child that he is adopted while they are still young, maybe between 5 and 8 it's less of a shock. I don't think you should tell him all the horrible details that lead to his adoption, just the basics. My mom adopted a girl and took her in at age 2, she is 8 now,  her mother has been in and out of jail, she's a crack head and all the things that tend to go with this lifestyle and her father has been in jail sense before she was born. She was abused in every way possible by her mother, I don't think she remembers any of it but my mom told my sis she was adopted when she was 5 and she has been fine with it. On the other hand my grandmother adopted a girl just 3 days old cause her mom back then was only 13 years old. My grandma never wanted her to find out so we all kept it a big secret but when she was 21 she found out (we don't know how) and she was extremely upset, hurt, she felt betrayed because she was lied to for so long, she took it very hard and didn't want to speak to my grandma for a while, she even moved out of town. This happened just a couple of years ago and she is still trying to accept it but she says it's something she would have wanted to know.

Answer 22

When he is older you can tell him. But it might be very good for YOU to know now what his genetic make-up is since that is often very important in medical issues.

Bless you for caring.

.

Answer 23

There is a time and a place for everything.  When this little boy is old enough and begins to ask about his birth mom and such, then you can tell him.  Don't hide the truth from him when he's old enough to know.

If he starts asking questions at an early age, tell him a little bit...like tell him his mother wasn't able to care for him.  If that doesn't satisfy him and he asks why she couldn't take care of him, tell him she was very sick (which is not a lie, drug addicts are sick).

As far as letting him know he is adopted, NEVER, EVER HIDE THAT!  I was adopted at 2 months old and have known it since before I even knew what it meant.  Don't keep that from him, it will cause much more damage later on.