Would you tell your children if they were adopted?

Question

if you were adopted would you want know know yourself?

if i was adopted i would not wish to know. purely because i think that the parents who raised me are my only parents (even if they didnt give birth to me). they are the ones who looked after me when i was sick, gave me a warm bed and food. give me unconditional love and patience. so i would feel finding out i was adopted would just create unnecessary wounds and complications and it wouldnt change anything anyway because my birth mother gave me away, so why dwel on something that you had no control over?

what would you do?

yes i think they have a right to know, but would you yourself want to know if you were adopted?

Answer 1

I am adopting both domestically and from China.  We definitely will be telling our children they are adopted.  There is no shame in being adopted and we want our children to know their whole life story (or as much as we will know, you often get limited information about the children abandoned in China)  My letting my child know they had a birth familly who loved them enough to do the ultimate sacrifice for their well being is the least I can do out of respect for their birth families.  And my child having positive feelings about their birth families does not take away from any relationship we will have. Life is not black and white,  you can love both your birth family and adoptive family.

Answer 2

I would tell my child.. after all what have i got to hide.. i've been their parent and raised them and loved them better than anything else.. just because someone else concieved them doesnt make me less of a parent.. it makes me a better parent to the child because i wanted to raise it as my own and give it everything their birth parent couldnt.

Answer 3

I'm an adoptee - and I have two sets of parents.

That's my reality - that's my truth.

Lies are THE worst thing in adoption - and it really messes with an adoptee's mind.

The people that mostly want adoptees to shout from the roof-tops that their adoptive parents are their ONLY parents - sadly - are adoptive parents.

It's an insecurity thing.

They really need to get over it.

Adoptees don't choose to be given away by their family - and thrust into the hands of complete strangers - that's all about adult decisions.

Anyone who pushes an adoptee to declare loyalty to one set of parents only - is bordering on child abuse - IMHO.

An adoptee has TWO sets of parents.

It should be up to the adoptee to love whomever they choose.

Why not let them love them all.

That's all most adoptees want to be able to do.

Answer 4

Maybe you wouldn't want to know... but how would you feel when the time came to go through your parents papers, and you found out that they had lied to you your whole life?

My son is adopted, and he knows.  He also has frequent contact with his other mother.  Lying to your children is beyond wrong.

I would never have forgiven my parents if they had lied to me about my adoption, either.

Answer 5

I was adopted as an infant, and my parents told me from early on. My brother was also adopted 4 yrs after me so I had a much better understanding maybe because of that. It's not something you think about much or can really comprehend as a young child, your parents are just your parents, whether adopted or not. It's a whole other issue as a teenager, and as an adult, but I still feel the same way about my parents, and even though I met my birth mother, no one can replace the people who raised you.

I would have been extremely angry if they didn't tell me and I found out some other way. And I probably would have figured it out, being that I look nothing like them!

Answer 6

I would tell them and I would want to know.

Answer 7

Yes I would want to know.

I actually gave my child up for adoption. I was 19 when I had him and not ready to raise a child, financally or mentally. The family I gave him to seem like wonderful people, while I have only met them once, we do still keep in contact through a lawyer who delivers our messages and pictures.

He is almost 7 now, and I know their plans are to tell him. Weather or not they have yet I honestly dont know.

I think if you are going to tell your child they are adopted it should be at an early age, but also when they understand the meaning, that way it doesnt come as a shock later on in life. Does that make sense?

My boyfriend found out his father (the man who raised him) wasnt his real father when he was 15 and he was very hurt, and still is.

I think it all depends on the timing and how it is brought up.

Answer 8

Absolutely, I'd tell them, reminding them that they were chosen specially and that I'm so lucky to have them.

Later in their lives, I might even help them meet bio-mom, because any kid I raise knows that mom is the one who raised you, not the one who birthed you.

At the very least, my adopted child would need to know his or her medical background.

Answer 9

yes, lying only makes family relationships harder. being honest and telling the truth strengthens family bonds.

Answer 10

No way, secrets and lies within families are toxic.  Honesty and openness make for far stronger and closer familial relationships.

Maybe you ARE adopted and it's a big secret!  I hope so.

Perhaps you'll discover later in life.  Then you would REALLY know how it feels, rather than just speculating and judging how adopted people should feel

Answer 11

I'm not adopted , but yes, I would want to know. To me the parents who raise a child and the parents who gave birth to him/her are two separate parts in an adoptees life. I think I could differentiate between the two and accept each for their separate roles. No matter how well I was taken care of and loved by adopted parents I would still want to know where I came from and the circumstances of my adoption.

ETA: I'm an AP and my daughter has always known about her adoption and understands why.

Answer 12

I was adopted and I consider my adoptive  parents my real parents. I have no animosity towards my birth mother whatsoever.

Answer 13

I am an adoptee, and I am truly happy that my parents told me that I was adopted.  I have always thought of my adopted parents as my "real" parents.  My birth parents only gave birth to me my "real" parents cared for me and loved me and all that good stuff.

Answer 14

I personally wouldn't want to know. I feel this way because I would have been raised by a family for so many years that i love why mess that up? The only way I would want to know is if something medically came up and I needed to know for that reason. I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who gave me up so I wouldn't attempt a relationship with a natural parent if I knew that. I would have a loving family that accepted me and would not want to change that.

Answer 15

I would tell them from the beginning.

Answer 16

My children were adopted at school age and are a different ethnicity than I am, so it's not a huge secret that they were adopted!

Even if that wasn't the case, I would tell them from the beginning.

I was not adopted, but if I were, I would want to know, preferably from the beginning so there is no "aha!" moment.

Answer 17

Adoption language should begin sooner rather than later, IF, it is your plan to be open with your child(ren) about their story.  It is not an easy thing either. My plan is to be matter of fact, not sugar coat anything, but also,  not demean anyone's character involved in our process.

I think if it were me, I would definately want to know that I was adopted, otherwise, you would go through life with a false impression of who you are.  I know several adult adoptees. Some still struggle from time to time with it, while others are very secure in who they are, and don't dwell on issues of the past, commend their AP's, and are well rounded and happy.

The thing for everyone to remember in this forum, is like you, we all have feelings. Not everyone's adgenda is like yours. Treat others as you would like to be treated, and do your best to support each other, not bash one another like I see all too many times here. Constructive answers will help more than destructive ones.

Answer 18

Yes, and yes. It's integral information and would be unconscionable to keep it a secret from the very person who is most affected. I would say that any adopter parent who keeps their child's true identity and history a secret from the child is NOT providing unconditional love -- it's quite conditional and disregards the fact that the child has/had other parents and an entire heritage separate from the adopters. Lying about it doesn't change that.  

Imagine finding out on your own that you were adopted, and realizing that your adopter parents had lied to you your whole life about it.

I would want to know so that I could truly know myself, as I really am, and not as some artificial construct invented by others. The truth will set you free, so why be afraid of the truth? That's how I look at it, anyway.

Besides, what will you do when you have an urgent need for your medical history, when knowing it could make a big difference in your health or your life? Run to the people who lied to you your whole life and rely on their next lie to save your life? Good luck with that!

Answer 19

well yeah, I would want to know... I mean I would of course consider the people who raised me to be my parents no matter what, but I wouldl still want to know....

Answer 20

Yes I would tell the child they were adopted right from the beginning.  And preferably they would know their birth parents.  Anyone who is adopted has that right.  That way there won't be "unnecessary wounds and complications."  Everyone will know and respect each other.

Furthermore, a birth mother IS a parent in her own right.  She was a good enough mother to make the ultimate sacrifice so that her child could have the best life she could give them.  Once again, it is heartless to say that a birth mother is not a mother.

If I were adopted I would want to know.  It wouldn't change my relationship with my parents.  Adoptees and birth parents both know their relationship is not the same as the relationship between a child and their parents.

Answer 21

Even if no one had told me, I would have figured it out.  I am one of three completely unrelated kids that my parents adopted.  Five completely different sets of genes in one house...it would have been ridiculous to try to hide the fact that we are all adopted.  As it was, my parents must have told me before I even understood the words.  I have no memory of being told.  I have simply always known.

I would rather hear a sad or difficult truth, than a good and easy lie.

If I ever adopted a child (no plans), I would start telling him/her the very day we arrived at home.

Answer 22

I would tell them from the begining, I can't imagine finding out later in life and knowing you were lied to (or rather the truth hidden) all that time.

Answer 23

Yes I would tell them my parents were always honest about my adoption I would be no different if I ever adopt. An adoption should not be kept a secret one major reason is medical history; an adoptee is not going to have the medical history of the family that adopts them unless it’s a kinship adoption. And even then they should know  its just right. It would be much worse if it comes out later or the adoptee finds out on their own and this has been known to happen.  I read something a while back forget where it was that basically said that parents who adopt kids and are honesty with the kids about the adoption are often closer to the parents that adopted and sometimes have it a little bit easier then the adoptee who is not told. Not to mention with Transraical adoption you really cant hide that.

I’m glad my parents were always honest it does not take away from the fact that they are my parents because they did do all those things that you listed that a parent(s) does for their children.

Answer 24

My son knows he is adopted, but honestly, if I was adopted I do not know if I would want to know.  Sometimes I feel that if I was told that would mean that I would be obligated to a birthmother if one day she came looking for me, I am not sure if I would want that pressure, espeically if I had really good parents.