Wouldn't it hurt your feelings?

Question

If you adopted a child. Raised them. Loved and cared for them, and then they decided, now they're old enough they want to find their birth parents? How would you handle this? (friend going through this, wanted to get some opinions)

Answer 1

This is something that is more than likely going to happen when you adopt a child.  You should be prepared for that.  They should be able to feel free to search for their birth parents as they are a part of them whether you like or not.  

If I was your friend I would without a doubt offer to help them, because they will appreciate that more than trying to stop them doing something that is their right to do.  This is something that they should have been made aware of when they were going through the process of adopting.  It still doesnt make it any easier though I imagine.  Just by them wnating to search for their parents it doesnt mean they want to disown their adoptive parents does it?  They just want to find out about their past, and have some questions answered.  

I would definitely be open with them and talk as  uch as poss about it all with them.  that way it makes it easier for everyone.

Answer 2

I think it would only hurt my feelings if I had spent the whole time pretending the child was biologically my own.

Most people know that when they adopt a child they are getting someone who already has a family.  It is natural and normal for adoptees to have questions about where they come from and want answers to why they were relinquished among other things.

Looking at the people who respond to Y!A you can even see that many of those, including myself who claim to have great lives still felt the need to search for our biological families.  In fact studies have shown that 90% of adoptees eventually DO search.

And lastly, I have to say that my own reunion if anything, strengthened the good relationships I already have with my adoptive parents.  How can that be a bad thing?

Answer 3

No, I would encourage them in their effort to find their biological parents.  It's important for all of us to know the source of our origin.  Please, don't feel threatened by need to find their origin.  They will always accept and love you for your support and the provision for them to develop in a healthy environment.  Tell them, if you do feel sorta threated, but you accept their reasons.  As well, the medical history of the natural parents is very valuable when your child decides to reproduce.

Answer 4

At times my adoptive mother was hurt but she still supported me fully.  In fact, she supports what I am doing in the adoption world now.  She is horrified at what adoption has become.  My adoptive mother is the one that pushed me into searching.

Answer 5

Help  them.  They need to know all about their identity.

Answer 6

Hurt my feelings? No, why would it? I expect it. We all want to know where we came from. Why should my child be any different? In fact, I'll be doing anything I can to help. That's my job as a mom, to support my child's needs.

Answer 7

well my parents went through this exact situation my mom met my bmom in an eyedoc (true we live in a tiny town) and she wasn't going to tell me but I wanted to know.

Its like a part of you is missing and you are never going to know what it is unless you find at least one of your biiological parents and its that emptyness that can drive you so deep into depression its hard to go through happy occasions such as christmas birthdays etc.

Its good for adoptees to find that missing link to thier past those beings who you hear so much about but have never met, or even talked to...

Answer 8

It is worse thinking about it than it is when it actually happens.  I worried and was saddened for 18 years about it.  Talked to my daughter about what we knew, and then several things happened and we were suddenly faced with a sister who wanted to meet our daughter.

At first I was angry, but in my heart I knew the day would come and I had been trying to prepare myself for it.  I knew my daughter was interested in finding out more about the people from her birth family.  So I cried, then talked to the sister, then let the two of them talk.

My daughter found out that the birth mother was just like I had told her, not a responsible person, and no one she would have wanted to have been raised by.

I had tried to prepare my daughter that oftentimes it is a bad situation, and that she might be sorry she had found out anything.  I knew it would not all be pleasant.

But my daughter is still in contact with her sister, found out that she has about 4 other siblings, but has not spoken to them as of yet.

I'm sure your friends child is smart and will figure things out.  Just tell your friend to prepare her child for the worst, jut in case.  But certainly to have hope for the best.  It might not be as bad as she thinks.

Tell your friend to email me if she wants, it is on my profile page.

Good luck to all concerned!!!

Answer 9

No it would not hurt my feelings. A good parent supports their children in their life decisions and puts their child's interests in front of their own. A good parent would recognize that an adoptee might feel hurt all their life by not knowing their birth parents, by not knowing why they were relinquished, by not knowing if they have brothers or sisters, by not knowing who they look like, by not knowing their ethnicity, by not knowing their medical history, by not knowing their roots. Seems to me that the adoptive mother could help to make her relationship even stronger with her child by helping her find answers, validate her pain and curiosity, and standing beside her during her search. A good mother sucks up her own pain in order to ease the pain of her child.

Answer 10

It might hurt my feelings.  But my feelings are less important than my (hypothetical) child's needs, and I consider the knowlege of one's heritage to be a fairly basic human need.

I'd take a long hard look at my own insecurities, suck it up, and support my child's search.  That's what my adoptive mom did, because she loves me and wants what's best for me, even though she found it painful.  She got over her hurt feelings when she realized I was not looking for a new mom, just my own identity.

This is part and parcel of adoption now.  People who are considering adoption need to be ready from day one to accept and support their kid's search.

Answer 11

It's just one more thing most adoptive parents have to face these days. Obviously it happens, because there is a question in this forum below yours that asks who's told their parents that they are looking for their birth mothers.

Although it's more than understandable, she shouldn't let it hurt her feelings. If she's been a good parent, there won't be any reason to worry. There are lots of books out there written from the adopted child's and adoptive parent's thoughts on this. Just hold your friend's hand and pray for the best.

You might prefer asking this in another forum. As you can see, this one is over-run by trolls, who compare adoption to "indentured servitude" and claim that adoptive parents are "pretending", and lies like that.

Answer 12

You can't have too many people to love you. That includes, adoptive parents and birth parents. I know who my birthdaughter's parents are and it's not me, but I can still love her.

Answer 13

its their right to find out who their biological parents are. its something they need to do

havent you ever watched tv?

the parent shouldnt be offended, they should have known this was going to happen and prepared themselves.

besides if your friend was a good parent and truly loves his or her child you should know that its most likely not going to change anything. they will still love your friend because it is them that raised and them that loved them and provided for them all those years.

Answer 14

No, it wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.  If your ego is that fragile, then you shouldn't have adopted a child because there are so many layers of emotional complexity that happens in that circumstance.  It's actually offensive that the parent would be thinking of HER feelings in the situation instead of focusing on how her CHILD feels at this point in her life.  It's natural to be curious and want to find out about one's birth parents.  The adoptive mother/family should be encouraging and supportive....not making the child feel like they are somehow betraying them.  It IS possible to have a great r'ship with your adoptive family while also tracking down your birth family to have a r'ship with them as well.  There's nothing selfish about that.

Answer 15

I would be just fine with it. Doesn't mean they don't love you anymore. They just want to know why their mother gave them up.

Answer 16

Every adoptive parent should expect that their child would want to find their roots.

It's a basic human need to know where you came from and the feelings of the aparent should not even be an issue.

It's our responsibility to give our children what they need in life and identity is probably the most important.

Answer 17

i may be bias because i am on the other end, i am adopted, but i will try to answer.

i think i would feel a little threatened at first until i realized they werent trying to replace me with another parent. everyone has the right to find out where they came from. a bio family reunion is not about the aparents. it effects them, but it isnt about them. the need for the reunion is rarely connected to them at all. the need is more of a personal thing.

i can understand an aparent being hurt at first. hopefully over time they will understand what the child is going for, not a replacement, just some more answers and info.

ps, Lori A is my birthmother, read her answer too, it may give you even more insight.

Answer 18

Being a bio mom who was found I can tell you that it has been the most healing thing in my life as well as my daughters. Tell your friend that I am not mom. Her adoptive parents have always had and always will have the exclusive right to that title. I call her my daughter because I don't know what else to refer to her as.

When we met for the first time we discovered that we don't look alike from the chin up. She did how ever find out where her personality comes from, where her hands come from and her body style. A few months ago we found her bio dad and she found out that she resembles his family in facial features. We took a picture of my daughter and her bio grandmother standing nose to nose. She had made the comment I wonder where my nose comes from as it was not her fathers or mine. He looked at his mom and said I think it's over there.

This was huge for her. After the pictures were developed we all agreed that she is going to look like her grandmother on her bio dads side when she gets older. This may seem so unimportant to people who know where their parts come from.

Don't forget the medical information the adoptee is going to uncover. You may not have needed it but as in my daughters case she needed it for her son. Some things are hereditary and this information can be vital.

My daughters father and I have the utmost respect for the adoptive parents. Not just the fact that they adopted her and took very good care of her, but their position as parents. Neither of us wants to change that. Your friend needs to know that it is one of the most healing things that can happen for their child. It has been good for us as well but it has been so educational and relieving for her. Most of her questions have been answered and she feels like a whole person.

Answer 19

I don't know if the desire to find them would really hurt my feelings.  I would actually expect it.  If I were adopted, I would want to at least find out what happened to my birth parents. There are so mmany unanswered questions.   Where are they now?  Are they alive?  What do they look like?

The one question that I am afraid of is "Am I better off now than I would have been?"  First of all, this is such a subjective issue.  If the birth mom went on to college and is now a doctor, then she may be making more money than I am.  The child won't realize that there is a good possibility that she wouldn't have been able to go to medical school if she had kept him/her.

Answer 20

I have an adopted son and I have always hoped that one day he WOULD want to find his family.  That is why I have tried to keep up with them. Unfortunately, I recently traveled to his home country and when I tracked down his mother I discovered that she had passed away a few months ago.  She carried to the grave with her the information that she had given birth to him....so the rest of his maternal family has no idea that he even exists.

I still hope that when my son is old enough to handle all of this information and whatever it may bring, that he will travel to search for his maternal family.  I'm still going to try to keep track of them.  Although, with his mother gone, it may be harder.  

Will it hurt my feelings?  No....I hope I raise him to be kind and caring enough to want to find them.

Answer 21

Just because they want to find their birth parents doesn't mean they don't love your friend as their Mom/Dad. Its natural to want to know where you came from. Just imagine if you looked in the mirror and seen characteristics that weren't on the faces of your family, wouldn't you want to know who you look like. They should support them finding their birth parents, the parents could end up not wanting to see them, then your friend is going to have to be there for her child. Or if the parents do meet the child, then maybe you can meet them too. They are the birth parents, nothing more at this point. Let the child make their own decisions about when and if they want to meet and support them through it. They know who has loved them and taken care of them.

But yes I can understand if your friend is a little hurt. That is natural too. But she shouldn't show it to her child.

Answer 22

I am right there too-  I have 2 adopted children, and actually I am adopted as well.  My 19 year old son is actually visiting his birth family at this very moment.  When his birth sister found him on his 18th birthday- a year ago, I had some trouble with it- because that is all he talked about. However now, I am pretty much ok with it- I just have to realize that for him, knowing his birth family was and is important to him- for myself, I never had as much desire to seek out my birth mom- however at times I think about her , and am very thankful that she chose life for me. My daughter has not shown any interest yet, at least has not voiced any- she is 15.  We had a choice not to tell our son about his birth sister wanting to see him- because the call came through our adoption lawyer's office, however after praying and thinking about it a little while, we had to tell him, because I did not want our son to lose trust in us, if he had found out.  He is an "adult" now, and it was his choice- not that it was easy at the time- it gets me to sometimes when he calls her his mom. However, I know that I am.

Answer 23

Are you talking about adoption or indentured servitude?

Because an adopted child did not ask to be adopted, adoptive parents WANTED a child.

After 18 years, that has been completed--has it not?  Or do these ADULTS owe the rest of their lives to their APs?

You say they 'loved and cared' for the child--isn't that what they wanted to do, what they signed up for?  Maybe the parents OWE the child something then...

What kind of person would ask a child, who came with a (not always visible) family, to suppress the natural curiosity to find their parents, heritage and answers to the basic questions of human existence?  

Following your logic, we shouldn't allow our children to marry either.  They might like their in-laws too much which would obviously threaten the flimsy parental bond in the adoptive home.

Tell your 'friend' that if they can't allow their child to find his roots, and have a chance and an inner peace that the 'love' they had for their 'child' was not authentic after all.

Answer 24

Yes, I would likely feel hurt and threatened.  But being a parent is not about my needs, it is about what my children need.  I would encourage my child to look for his/her parents.  If I had trouble dealing with it, I would get counseling for myself.  I would not expect my child to have to take on the responsibility for my needs related to any issue in my life.  How immature!

Answer 25

I am an adopted child, and my parents spoke so harshly about my birth parents that I made up my mind that I never wanted to meet them.  I lived my life happy and content in the knowledge that my adoptive parents had rescued me, much like a person rescues a homeless dog.

When I was a young mother, about 22 years old, I got a strange phone call from a man claiming to be my brother.  He told me about our upbringing and where we came from.  I did not believe him for a while because what he told me was so different than what my parents had said.  We made plans to meet and I would make my judgement then.  

When we met, he brought along one of my sisters, and we look like twins!  We are twins!  I lived my whole life not knowing that the other half of me was out there.  We are not close by any means, but at least I know that SOMEONE out there looks like me.  

My brother then took me to meet our father.  I was fine until then.  He took one look at me and started to cry.  He said that I look just like my mother.  Another sister met us there at our father's home.  She looks just like me too.  I lost it emotionally at that point.  I wept and kept at it for quite some time.  It was truly a wonderful experience.  She filled in the only memory I have from before I was adopted.  I remember being in a crib and someone bending over to touch my face.  Long blonde hair fell over the railing and brushed my cheek.  She remembers that too.  It was her comforting me.  That tiny thing meant so much.  

I resent the way my parents belittled my birth family in order to keep all my love for them.  I guess they do not realize that I would love them more for helping me to find them.  I think that your friend's parents should not stand in the way, even if they do not want to help.  They should be there and support your friend because it may be a very emotional journey.

Answer 26

its natural curiousity, try to look at it from their side - wouldnt you want to know if you were in their shoes? It doesnt mean losing any of their love- on the contrary, by supporting them you might actually strenghten the bonds

Answer 27

There would be no reason for me to have my feelings hurt.  I'm an adopted person, and I can honestly say that reunited with my natural family has not changed my feelings for, nor my relationship with, my adoptive family.  Some adopted persons have stated that their relationship with the adoptive family became stronger after reuniting.

Feeling threatened because of thoughts that my son or daughter would "replace" me with his or her natural parents is really insulting to him or her.  It suggests that he or she is incapable of multiple relationships and that he or she is unable to have a stable, constant and lasting relationship just because other people come into his or her life.  

It's a good thing my husband doesn't feel this way, or he'd possibly be threatened every time I made friends with a man.  It could be even worse if I spoke to my ex-husband, since he'd also held a "husband" status in my life.

Answer 28

Hi XOXOX,

Thank you for wanting to help your friend at this time.  I'm a reunited adoptee, and I think I can help put this in perspective a little more.  Let's see if we have the facts straight.  The situation is your friend, who is an adoptive parent, is upset because the adult adoptee has another family and wants to search for them.  You want to know what advice to give her.  The way I see the situation is there might have been unrealistic expectations which led to some unnecessary feelings of insecurity.  The best way you can help your friend is by helping to educate her about searches, in order to keep her connected to her adoptee in a positive way.

By unrealistic expectations I mean presumably your friend adopted because she wanted the privilege of providing a home for a child who needed one.  She did get to do that.  Nothing will ever take away all those years of her getting to be a parent.  However, there is no implied clause in there that promises a good home must be repaid to the adoptive parent by the adoptee forever sacrificing their original identities and families.  Every child, biological or adopted, deserves a good home.  It sounds like your friend may have been inadequately counseled during the adoption process about the unique needs of adoptees.  Searching should have been explained as an eventual, expected event, as desire for knowledge of one's origins is a perfectly natural thing.  This situation might have been avoided if she had been informed on how adopting is different from raising biological children.  Since she was not prepared originally, that is unfortunately contributing to what your friend is feeling now.  It appears that she is feeling threatened because she is misinterpreting what searching actually means.  

Your friend could be equating the idea of searching with the beliefs that either the adoptee thinks your friend was not a good parent or that she is not loved anymore.  Your friend needs to know that searching is not a personal reflection on her parenting!  In fact, it has nothing to do with adoptive parents whatsoever.  There are many enlightened adoptive parents who "get" that.  I truly wish every adoptive parent could understand it.  As good of adoptive parent as your friend may have been, there are some things that adoptive parents simply cannot do for the adoptee.  One of them is providing the sort of information and self-discovery that can only come about through searching.  That is something an adoptee must do on their own, when & if they are ready.  It really is independent of how the adoptee feels about their adoptive parents.

I think if your friend understood that, it could minimize that feeling of being threatened.  She should not fear being replaced because that is not what is occuring.  Nor is it a loyalty issue.  If your friend tries to make it into one, the adoptee will either not include their adoptive parent in the process, or he/she might feel guilted into postponing the search.  Doing that will not negate the adoptee's feelings, it will only suppress them.  There are some other adoptive parents, particularly those from the baby scoop era, who still feel that way about adoption searches.  Because of them, many adoptees waited until their adoptive parents died before starting their searches.  Thankfully, social workers are generally preparing adoptive parents for more realistic scenarios these days in order to better meet the long-term needs of their adopted children.   Adoptees have a keen sense of which parents will be supportive and happy for them, and which ones will not.  Trust me, it is far better to be supportive at a time like this than to fight it.  Support brings a family together.  Fighting it will unnecessarily push the adoptee further away.

Think of it like this - everyone has additional relatives besides the immediate family in which they were raised.  Would she feel so threatened if it were grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins being sought?  What about when the adoptee marries, will the adoptive parent feel threatened by the new mother & father in-laws?  Probably not.  All additional sources of love should be encouraged.  There really is no need for anyone to feel insecure about that.  It is counterproductive to attempt to dominate all of another person's love.  People are capable of loving many others, and there is always enough love to go around!  Adoptees really do not forget who raised them, so adoptive parents should not forget that adoptees do have other family members.

To sum it up - If I were you, I would try to encourage your friend to have faith in the adoptee and what he/she feels they have to do.  Help your friend see that it is not about the upbringing they had at all.  Searching is independent of all other sources of love in an adoptee's life.  Finding answers helps them develop as a person and find their connections to the world.  It is healthy and should be encouraged.  They will be appreciative of understanding adoptive parents.

Good luck.  Hope this helps.

Sincerely,

julie j

Answer 29

If that was me i will be very very SAD!!!

my opinion its she need to talk with her adopted children and tell them iam the only one who raised you and loved you and cared about you and now you wanna leave me,and why looking for you birth parents they already gave you to me !!

she need to make them understand that maybe they will change!

i hope the will ,,best of luck.

Answer 30

NO it wouldnt hurt my feelings.  i would encourage it! you cant live you life full of unknowns.  After all how will our children know who they are if they dont know where they come from?  You friend should realize we "all" have other family members so what is finding one more?  Its not about the parents.  Its about supporting your child and they have somthing missing, its your job to fill that void, so by all means love them, support them, and help them with there search!

Answer 31

Wow! Of course it would not hurt my feelings. I don't really understand what it would have to do with me at all, actually, except that I would do all I could to help my child (of whatever age) if they expressed a desire to find their first parents.

How to explain this in a way that your friend will understand...

My child's first parents and first family are an essential part of who she is, they are her core, her history, her essence. The debate about nature and nuture goes back and forth, but twin studies certainly show that nature is a huge factor.

It is completely normal and natural to want to know your natural parents, to want to see someone who looks like you, to know where your eyes come from, and your laugh, and your gestures, and your love of science, and the way you switch letters around, and your gift for music. People who aren't adopted know these things like breathing almost. Who are we to deny them to someone because they were adopted?

Who are we to deny this to our children? If we love them, as adoptive parents, don't we want the best and happiest life for them? Wouldn't we want them to be able to see and know this essential aspect of themselves--if they wanted to?

And it really is no reflection on the adoptive family at all. It doesn't mean that the adoptee loves you any less or doesn't feel you loved them or raised them well. It is a completely separate relationship, like their falling in love and getting married. Love and family aren't things that have to be divided up, with each new person in your life diminishing the love you feel for others.

So I would suggest to your friend that she (he?) talk to her child (an adult now), and tell them she loves them very much and supports them in all they do. And that if that includes wanting to find their first parents, this is what she knows, the documents she has, the name of the adoption agency, etc. Her kid(s) will love her all the more for this. The only way she will really lose in her relationship with them is if she stands in their way.

Wish her luck. She might want to see a counselor to discuss the feelings this is obviously bringing up for her. This truly is no reflection on her parenting or the love she and her child have for each other.