Wouldn't talking about it make you feel different?

Question

ETA:::: I don't understand ANY of the thumbs down on these answers??? these are ALL good answers so i'm not sure why someone would thumb 'em.

Answer 1

In my family, we never talked about it.  I don't remember being told because I was so young; after that, it just wasn't discussed.

It would have been nice if my aparents would have brought it up once in a while, asked me how I felt, opened the door to communication.  I was always too afraid to bring up the subject to them because I didn't want to hurt them.  If they had at least let me know it was okay to talk about, then maybe I would have felt better about expressing some of my feelings; but as it was, I was too scared to hurt their feelings, so I kept it all inside for 22 years until they died.

ETA: You know I don't really know why they didn't bring it up; that's a good question.  Unfortunately I'll never get a chance to ask them now.  It could very well have been "the times", or the fact that they didn't know much of anything about my bio-family, but just being able to know if it was ok to talk about my feelings would have been a relief.

Hopefully, adoptive parents today can take the advice of grown adoptees and understand that if their adopted children don't bring it up, it might not be due to the fact that they don't want to talk about it; some of them just might be afraid to bring it up.  kwim?

Answer 2

I would like to answer your question.

But it seems you have me blocked.

I wonder if talking about things makes you nervous, and thus you don't want to hear from people who might offer you a different perspective?  

Perhaps your adoptive parents sensed your insecurity and thus didn't discuss it around for fear of making you feel unwanted?

Answer 3

That is how we feel. Adoption is a fact and not hidden but not mentioned in every conversation either. We are a familly

Answer 4

My parents were always honest in letting me know about my biological family. I didn't ask them to, they were upfront on their own. Just because they told me about my biological mother did not mean i loved my a-parents less, or i didn't think they were my real parents. Because to me my adoptive parents are my parents. I have always appericated their honesty. Oh, and we always discussed my adoption and it never changed how i felt about them.

Answer 5

I always FELT different anyway.  So my adoption was like an invisible elephant in the room.

I don't know if my parents talking about my other parent would have had much of an effect, since it was completely sealed off.  They didn't have ANY information anyway.

I'll give my amother this--she did say once, "Maybe you'll get to meet her one day."  That sort of gave me hope.  

I have an adopted friend, a male who's mother used to tell him as a child, "You will NEVER, EVER, EVER meet her!  That's not the way it works, it's CLOSED FOREVER!"  He was found by his mother.  He had 3 other adopted siblings, they have (surprise) 'no interest' in searching.  The adult daughter lives with the amother, and the two brothers live with their wives in houses on the same street.

Answer 6

It's not that I wanted them to talk about it "all the time."  It's just about being able to express any thoughts/feelings about it when they arose.  I was pretty fortunate in that my amom didn't have any problems talking about it, so I didn't feel like it was something that "shouldn't be discussed."  By the same token, I never felt I was treated differently than my brother (their natural son.)  I think she handled the situation quite well, with honesty and love.

Answer 7

You said "If your aparents were always talking about your adoption or your first parents, wouldn't that make you feel less like part of the family?"

Well yeah, if they were ALWAYS talking about it, sure.

But what is wrong with some nice, honest, heartful, truthful, meaningful dialogue between adoptee and adoptive parent about their biological family? I think the silence in and of itself subconsciously tells the adoptee that it is a taboo topic.

If I had turned 18 and my adoptive mother said "here's your bio moms information, go find her" I might feel like they were trying to get rid of me. But that's not the right way to go about it either. To me, the right way would be to give the adoptee any and all information they have, let them know it's their information to have, tell them they understand if they have questions or desires to search and say they are fully supportive, understanding and willing to stand by their side while doing so. That's what parents do - support and stand by their kids. What on earth could be the result of that other then strengthening the existing relationship between the adoptive parent and the adoptee?

I already felt different enough just by being adopted - I highly doubt meaningful dialogue with my adoptive mother would have made me feel any less like part of the family then I already did. Heck, it would have made me feel more like family because it would have said to me that's it's okay if I feel different, that they accept that and love me anyway.

ETA: YES, I wish there would have been more dialogue about it - absolutely, without a doubt.

ETA again: I would have liked to been able to ask any questions I wanted without being made to feel guilty for asking. There are many things I would have asked - the list is endless as I was a very inquisitive kid. I would have liked to have been given permission to grieve my loss. I would have liked to have heard things like "your hair is so pretty, I bet you got it from your bio mom" - things like that would have given me a positive view of her and therefore a positive view of myself.

My parents (mother especially) did not talk about it because she felt threatened and for whatever reason just could not put my feelings ahead of hers. She felt like I didn't love her if I ever thought about my bio mom. The few times I tried to ask questions, they were answered with "why are you hurting us like this?".

I had a very primal need to know where I came from and why I was relinquished. Stifling my desires to question these things backfired and caused me to lash out horribly as a teen.

Answer 8

David Kirk in his book Shared Fate (one of the first about adoption in the 1960s) called this acknowledgement of differences. He stated that in order for the adoptee to adjust well the adoptive family should not treat them in an as if begotten manner but acknowledge that there are differences as a result of the adoption. HOWEVER, he also cautioned that the adoptive family should not drill the adoption status continually. For example, don't introduce the child as "My adopted son, Bob". Or talk about the adoption on a daily basis. Or talk about the adoption in front of strangers or in unncessary circumstances.

Answer 9

I think when people say to talk about it, they mean to not shut the child down if they have questions.  I don't think that constantly bringing it up would be productive either.  I think they just mean to .ake it an "open door" policy between child and parent if they child wants to ask questions or wants to have a family discussion about it.

To me, it makes sense that the dialogue should be initiated by the child.

Answer 10

I understand exactly what you are saying.  I was adopted by my family at birth.  They literally got to take me home from the hospital when I was 2 days old.  They have always been open with me about being adopted, but its never been a big topic or something we feel we need to discuss all the time.  As far as my family is concerned, I'm their daughter and that's that.  My sister is my parents biological daughter and though I've never been made to think I was any different, as I've gotten older I've realized that I do have some issues from all of it.  Maybe that is just a personal thing and doesn't have anything to do with anything done by my family.  I find myself comparing myself to my sister, feeling like I'm not good enough, it's been tough.  Now that I am a mom I feel a little more complete having someone in my life that is truly a part of me.

Answer 11

I think all adoptive children when they get old enough should be told about their heritage. It does not mean that you are disrespecting your parents and you see I called them your parents because they are the loving people that raised you. But on the flip side maybe they didn't have such a wonderful relationship and feel that they don't belong. I pray always that my son was told about me and that one day he will actively search for me as I am him.The heartache that you feel is unbearable, having to give up your child. Love your parents but honey keep an open mind about your birth parents.

Answer 12

My adoptive parents didn't concentrate on it.  I couldn't even tell you when they told me.  I don't remember.  It was not an every day occurence.  If I asked questions, my adoptive mother did her best to answer the questions.  She was honest with me.  She encouraged me to search.  Since I have begun writing my lil ol' blog, she feels that I was destined to do this kind of work.

Answer 13

I probably shouldn't answer this since I'm not an adoptee, but I can't get this situation out of my head, so I'm going to throw it out there.  I once worked with a girl who was adopted, and her parents did everything they could to help her feel comfortable with the adoption.  They did all the right stuff.  They talked about her first family, without insulting them; they did what they could to honor her racial history; you name it.  They worked hard at it, and they were good people (for the most part).  This girl just got sick and tired of hearing about it.  She told me once, "I know who I am.  I don't need to be reminded all the time."  I've heard similar things from other people who have been through various types of trauma, and they have unending sources of support.  After awhile, it might start to feel like you've had all the healing you can handle, and you just want to be done with it already!  LOL

I guess the point I'm trying to make is that it's really up to the person who was traumatized (regardless of what that trauma is - adoption included) to decide how much they want to talk about it.  I guess an adoptive parent has to be willing to listen to their child, make sure they KNOW you're willing to listen (it sounds like you knew your parents were always open IF you wanted to talk, which is great)...but not pushing our own agenda on them, and/or forcing the issue.  It's probably tough to find that balance.  It sounds to me like your a'parents found that balance.  That's pretty cool.  I wish I could ask their advice!

Answer 14

I see what you are asking.  It probably can be possible to talk about adoption so much that every difference or sadness is attributed to the fact that you are adopted.  This can teach kids that there is something wrong with being adopted or that adoption is to blame for every difficult experience one faces in life.

My family talked about adoption whenever something came up like a question from others about why we didn't look alike, or a question from my siblings and I about what kind of situations we came from.  Curiosity is natural and being adopted was, for me, an important part of my identity and my parents honored this.  However, they gave us balance in reminding us that it was only a "part" of who we were....that there was so much more to us and our family than being adopted.    I know that others look at this differently on this site, but this is just how I was raised which was to talk about what challenges adoption posed for me but also to talk about the positive ways my life had been impacted  as well.   For my parents it was all about balance.

Answer 15

why would it make you feel different never think like that cause if you feel that way then that is how you will be feeling for the rest of your life so never have that feeling if you talk about things will make you different cause it really woudn't make you feel different your a human just like everyone else