Writing a Book- here's a very small excerpt- Advice?!?

Question

I'm already on 85,000 words. It's just a minor excerpt but let me know what you think! Don't be scared to tell me the truth either. I'm not afraid of harsh criticism, haha.

“You stole my diary?” I gasped incredulously, my blood beginning to boil underneath my skin.

“Cameron, listen..”

“How could you?” I whispered. “The one thing I could count on to keep me alive. Do you know what I’ve gone through without that?”

“Do you know what I’ve gone through without you?” His voice was getting louder. “Cameron, I began to wonder if I would ever love again. I began to wonder if I was worth anything at all.”

“How can you be so selfish? You’re the one who chose! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO DID THIS!” I screamed furiously. I felt my eyes begin to water, but fiercely choked the tears back. I didn’t have time for them now. They were all for nothing anyway.

“What do you mean - I’m the one who chose? You chose the first day you laid eyes on that hideous creature,” he growled.

My mouth fell open in shock. I let my eyes flicker to his wounded expression, and then widen with realization.

“You mean Lucas? You think I chose him? You think I love him?”

“Yes.”

His face was only inches from mine now. “You’re wrong.”

“Then say it,” he hissed.

“Say what?”

“Say that you don’t love him.”

I looked away shamefully. “I-I can’t.”

I saw his hands begin to go into a spasm, and watched as he stiffly shifted his weight. “Just admit it, Cameron. You love him.”

I closed my eyes in disgrace. “Why did you take my diary?”

I looked up to read his expression, but desperately wished I hadn’t. It was treacherously contorted into a lifeless mask of sorrow. I couldn’t bear to keep my eyes on him.

“I needed to know,” he whispered. “I needed to know if he was worth more to you than I am. I needed to know how much you loved me - if you did at all.”

Tears began to fall wildly down my face. I couldn’t stand it. He was so miserably and irrevocably determined to face what he thought was the truth. But he was so incredibly wrong. I wasn’t sure how much I loved Lucas. I wasn’t sure what risks I was willing to take to keep him from harm, but I was sure of one thing: Not an ounce of my heart felt for him the way it felt for Sebastian. My love for him was solid, unmoving.

I stayed frozen where I stood. I knew how I felt for him, but I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t feel as though there was anything that I could say that would be good enough. Nothing that would make him believe that he was the love of my life.

My sobbing was getting harder every second, and soon, I began to choke on my regret. I felt his arm gently cup around my shoulders and he rested his chin on the top of my head.

“I’m sorry,” I finally choked out under the blubbering.

“Shh..”

“No, Sebastian, you don’t understand..” I began to try to explain, but I knew it was useless. I knew he already had his mind set. He had read my diary. He knew what lay on the pages. I had already lost.

There are also, of course, no italics on this thing, so a lot of things I would usually italicize.. aren't. Thanks and please comment!

Answer 1

its kind of confusing

Answer 2

could u plz email to me? it's quite interesting :)

Answer 3

It was great! I loved it and it would make a fantastic book! Keep on writing!

Answer 4

will you email me some more?

that was amazing

Answer 5

That....was great! I loved it! could you post or send more of it? That is fabulous, you have totally nailed the essence of human sorrow. of course, it might make more sense with more of the story, but it is fabulous!

the only thing i would change would be to include the title, and thats all i can think of. wow. you are a great writer

Answer 6

Okay, so you said, you can cope with criticism ;) No, honest, I will try to be constructive.

1. The language throughout is a bit over-dramatic for my liking - I think drama should come from the content, and if you have that (it's hard to tell that from the excerpt) then you don't need to put in "gasped" or "my blood beginning to boil" because in Chapter 9, your readers would gasp all by themselves at such a heinous act ;)

2. Don't use so many descriptions / descriptive words - make it more immediate. Almost the first thing I noticed was the large number of adjectives - no wait, are they adverbs? - such as: incredulously, furiously, stiffly, desperately, treacherously, wildly, miserably, irrevocably... you see? If you use first person POV that's usually a very immediate perspective, so don't spoil it by formalizing your language too much. It would be nicer to use: "I screamed with anger" instead of "I screamed furiously".

3. Be more realistic with your imagery and avoid clichés: What jarred me first, was "underneath my skin", which unfortunately makes me think of the song (and probably a lot of other people also). Also, if you write in first person POV, the aim is to make the reader feel what your "I" feels, and you can't make them feel the blood boil underneath their skin, but you could make them feel the "blood rushing to my head, my cheeks burning with fury" or something similar.

It's kinda the same for me with other imagery you use: Tears don't fall wildly - maybe: I began to cry wildly, hot tears fell down my face. Also, a lifeless mask of sorrow is kinda paradoxical and might be better as "sorrow seemed to drain all life from his eyes". Also, please, "I let my eyes flicker to his wounded expression, and then widen with realization." - No go for me. Why not just write: My eyes flickered and then widened..etc? That's much more realistic and also you avoid point 4:

4. How many of your sentences start with "I"? I know it's in first person, but you can still avoid it, and it also might help to bring you to think about your sentences, and the angles the situations can be viewed from .

Maybe the most important things I want to repeat: Use imagery that the reader can follow! This pulls your readers in. It won't work with imagery and descriptions of "self" that your readers have no way of connecting with.

Also: Of course this is purely my opinion - I could also write some positive things, but you seem to have fans already ;)

Hope it helps.

Answer 7

its good writing...and now i want to hear the rest of the story. email it to me pls