Writing a song. need feedback!?

Question

im still in the process of writing but heres a little bit of it.

and its still in kind of a poem form but im gonna fix that later.

Familiar Face.

Everyday as i pass through the crowds

feeling lonley and invisable,

i see this face.

Brown hair, brown eyes

its seems so commom

but theres something thats not.

The way he looks at me

like i exist

i turn to look back

but he turns away like nothing is here.

And when i got to sleep at night

i dream about the familiar face.

Then when i wake up in the morning,

i rush out the door to do my daliy runs

just to be hypnotised

by this perfect familiar face.

Catching a glimpse of the familiar face

passing by i fallow.

thats all i got so far.

what do u think? is it good? what can i do to make it better?

Answer 1

ohh i love it!! it sounds like you've got a really good start! honestly, it sounds really good. keep it up! the lyrics are strong enough to make other people connect to it. it's really cute!

=]

Answer 2

LOVE IT.

I would only change ONE thing; and thats where you have the line "brown hair, brown eyes" .. it sounds a little smushes, so i would change the "Brown hair, brown eyes" to

Brown hair, blue eyes

Just my opion .. but i love it, its deep already and is gonna be something great!

when finished make a beat and freaking send it to a recording studio, or get someone to sing it .. its wonderful