Question:

Writing a story, need honest opinions, please tell me what you think?

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Plot: young 17 yo female (Aeryn Jones) moves, junior year because mom gets new job and because boyfriend (Luke Martin) killed himself. very traumatic event. has 6 best friends left behind, will play important part in story later, meets new guy (Drew Peterson), moves into old home, finds something in a hidden compartment, the something helps her move on and accept what happened and learn to love Drew, the something she finds helps solve a mystery that has plagued the town since the mid 1800s.

I'm not even close to being done with it. I need help with a title as well.

The end of the piece (so far) is not finished I'm still working on it. They (she and Drew) will continue to talk a little bit. I'm still trying to work through it in my head.

"Goodness, Aeryn these boxes are heavy. Have you got the entire Grand York Library in here," Grady said as he set down the brown cardboard box. "Please tell me that was the last of it."

"You're good. They're all here," Aeryn said with a lump in her throat. Her bright green eyes filled up with tears. She turned away so Grady wouldn't see, but she was too late.

"Aww, sis come on now. It'll be ok. You'll see. Before long you'll forget about all about that little Podunk town." He reached out and put an arm around her quaking shoulders. He gave her one quick hug and then left, but not before glancing back over his shoulder to give her one last smile.

After he left she sat down on her bed. She picked up her backpack and began to rifle through it. She quickly found what she was looking for, a 5X7 picture in an etched glass frame. The frame had phrases that stated things like: Friends forever and best friends always. She sniffled as she looked at the group of smiling faces.

There they were her six best friends. The group she left behind. There was Jewel. With her large almond eyes and her black hair she was as Asian as Asian could be. They used to tease her all the time, “hey Jewel your Asian is showing.” She was sweet and quiet and lived up to her name. Then there was Gabi. Her mocha colored skin, dark brown hair, chocolate eyes, and other “assets” made her the want of every male within a ten-foot radius. She was saucy and mischievous and definitely lived up to her Mexican heritage. Next came Maggie. There was no way you could miss Maggie. She had copper colored hair and amber colored eyes. She was covered in freckles and had the cutest pug nose, but behind that “little girl” exterior was a pistol. She was all spunk. After Maggie was Bella. Bella had dark brown hair, sapphire blue eyes, and creamy milky white skin. She was tall, graceful, and toned. She was a gymnast. She was determined and disciplined. Next came Lucie. With her soft dirty blonde hair and piercing ice blue eyes, she was beautiful. Her heart shaped face and her full lips made her the envy of every girl in high school. She was soft-spoken and highly intelligent. Last and certainly not least was Jacey. She had shoulder length brown hair, pulled back in its usual ponytail. She was the runner of the group. She had this no nonsense attitude that seemed to say, “you can’t handle this,” but beneath that tough exterior was a very vulnerable girl. Then there was Aeryn. Right there in the middle of it all, “where I should be right now”, she thought. Her long blonde hair was wet and stringy and she was covered in soap, but her head was tilted back and she was laughing. They’d had a great time that day at the church car wash. She placed the picture reverently on the nightstand next to her bed. She sighed and turned to begin the tedious job of unpacking.

“Aeryn, honey, can I talk to you a minute,” Aeryn’s mom Melissa “Missy” Jones asked.

“I suppose so,” Aeryn replied.

“I know this move was sudden and unexpected, but with the job offer and all that happened…Your father and I figured this was the best thing for you and Grady. I know you miss your friends and I know you are hurt and angry, but pretty soon you will make new friends. Honey the gang is only two and a half hours away and they can come visit you at least once a month. Please for me try to understand.”

“I will mom, I just need a little time. I know this was probably for the best, but I’ve been ripped away from everything I’ve ever known and I know going to the hangouts and seeing the places where Luke and I used to go does nothing more than bring back memories, but those were my memories. Those were my feelings to hang on to whether it was right or wrong, good or bad they were mine. I know he’s gone and I know he’s never coming back, but being there was like having him with me if only for a little while. I miss him. I’ll always miss him. I loved him and now I can’t be around the only people that knew and shared my pain. They halved my burden. You ask me to understand well, I ask the same of you. Please try to understand my side of the situation.”

“Aeryn I love you more than you will

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  1. I was definitely into the story. meeting drew was maybe a little cliche, but if that's how it happened, thats how it happened. I like that there is a lead-in to a sub story though, when she mentions Grand York to him and his smile slips.

    I like how seamlessly your scenes lead into each other. You've got a knack for making your story unfold easily.

    The wording seemed a little redundant a few places, but that's not a big deal, since you will be doing a lot of editing yet I am sure. But the story is going to be a good one, aimed (it seems to me) at the demographic high school girls fill. Gorgeous guys, mystery, suspense, and the h**l of teenage life that all helps them escape.

    I liked it- good story.

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