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Writing for you to comment on? Lots of comments please!?

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'You are married and you have a daughter?' I asked, incredulously. I had not meant to be rude but there were rumours going round which I had always assumed were true.

Mr Feld smiled- I think he had heard the rumours before.

'My daughter is called Laura. She is here today, looking at books in the library. The boys do not know.' That was probably best as it was a rare sight to see a female in a public boys' school.

I walked to the library.

*

And there she was, eyeing her novel intently. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were small, her wrists were too thin, and her freckles too dark, but instantly I thought she was the most beautiful thing I would ever see. The pace of my heart quickened, like it did as I was sprinting, and I felt a runner's euphoria- the point at which everything becomes a sweet blur and all your pain vanishes.

She looked up at me, even more intently than she read her book, and I instinctively knew we were doing the same thing. Twinning our names together- Laura and Johnny, Johnny and Laura, one entity.

Now I understood all that poetry and literature that I'd previously failed in English. If only coach would let me, I'd give up all my sports, everything. Even long-distance running.

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  1. The first thing I want to point out is adverbs are really unnecessary. I bet there are other words to say something rather than have an adverb describe it. For example, ambled instead of "walked slowly". I like the fact that you started off with a quote for the first sentence. Quotes get the readers attention because they want to know what they are talking about. But for you It's even better that you started off with a question because the reader will want to know what is going on. I think "I walked to Library" in the beginning is kind of random and unnecessary unless it contributed to the story


  2. "...eyeing her novel intently..." ?

    (Not - 'contemplating her navel' ?)

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