Writing: what do you think?

Question

This is one of my first tries, so it's not exactly brilliant, but what do you think? Critisism is definitely welcome.

The hate in her eyes is infectious. It invokes a rage unlike any other. I feel like screaming. But I don't. I can't. The moment passes. The rage inside is locked away until the next time her eyes meet mine. It's indescribable. The unprovoked hatred shows on her face, turning me into nothing less than psychotic. I imagine that this is what people with less self-control than me feel right before they commit homocide. Not that I'm known for having self-control. It rips some families apart, but right now, divorce seems like a fairytale ending. From what I've heard, it seems like a possibility. But I know life won't let me have that kind of satisfaction. It just doesn't work that way for me. I guess im stuck her for another few years. So I close my eyes and try to drown my thoughts out with music. Try to not hear that voice in the back of my head telling me that self-implosion is inevitable. Pretend for a little longer that I'm not insane.

Answer 1

You are very descriptive without really going into what you are describing. You don't say who the narrator is angry at or why.

The sentences at the beginning are too short.  Short sentences are most effective when they follow a longer sentence.

It just reads like overly dramatic teen angst described on a computer screen.  There is nothing to endear you to the narrator or make you understand his/her point of view.

Answer 2

Wow... that was very veryvery good.  I love the use of words and grammar and every thing! It  flows nicely. If you publish contact me. i want to read!!

Answer 3

it good but in the begging you say all these strong emotions but they dont go anywhere you just start talking if you start with strong emotions end with that too

Answer 4

IT IS EXPRESSIVE BUT A SERIOUS

WORK WHICH IS TO BE DONE BY

HONESTY AND SINCERITY WITH

SKILLFUL ATRIBUTION, AND  THE

BEST ORGANISATIONAL  WAY TO

REPRESENT THE WRITTEN WORK

MOST EFFECTIVELY AND WITH

FULL TONE OF  CREATIVITY.

Answer 5

It sounds like you have potential. Keep writing. Take a creative writing class where you can share work in greater detail and get some regular feedback.  

Answer 6

It's very good, but perhaps just you need to refine it a bit...

For example, check your spelling and try not to repeat describitons too often...

=D

But I really liked it, you've got potential!

Answer 7

its really good- i liked it.

Criticism? talk about the hate and stuff, but don't repeat too much. you said the hate in her eyes is infectious and went on about it and then said the moment passed, then hatred showed again. just some advice :p

Answer 8

not bad,  its almost like your venting.  your very angry at 1st, then you chill.  

which shows good will .   keep writing,  it keeps your mind healthy

Answer 9

thats amazing. you have really good creative words. keep adding on, this may become a best seller !

Answer 10

I agree with the comments posted above. It's pretty good. You should post it on http://www.chapteread.com to receive more feedback. It's a great writing site.

Answer 11

it sounds pretty good, but it seems like there are to many "big" words, and it could sound better with less of them... i think

other then that it was really good.!

good luck hun<3 im in the same bout