Written by a 14 year old, critique?

Question

Look on in ways with which to please

a newer life holds sour keys

A birth, a life, a sudden death

and only thought holds us above the rest

Teardrops and fingernails suspended on my doorstep

and out of my mind leapt a leather-bound conformist

A mirror in my thoughts left me gazing at myself

gagged and tied I was in dull health

Where did I go?

Through that cellar door

only the egos ask for one more

I grasped onto time

and he threw me a dime

"Go get a job" he giggled and turned

the meaning of cost is to flee and yearn

This delicacy of life, like a portrait of fears

do you endure days more than your years?

Stow deeper into the glorious roads that follow

under a bridge and over a hollow

Sublime warfare raging in between worlds

finds me in clasps of two naked girls

This experience is of the reaching

my wise old father is new of teaching

Now look, there is belief among the feeders

I lost my mind I must remember to feed her

Answer 1

the poem is good but the last part look forced here i let you one of my poems

My life

my life seem to loose color

i don't know why

i simply wanna fly

looking at the grey sky

i realize

i will never fly

i lost my wings

i lost my way

i wont be the same

this is awful

i simply don't know why

i'm gonna cry

i just wanna fly

but is imposible now

i found my wings

they are black and broken now

and i know

i will never fly

Im 14 years old too! =D

Answer 2

Very interesting topic. I hope you continue to write, because you are very good. I suggest you work on your rhyming. Try a site called rhymezone.com , it helps me sometimes when I am stuck. Otherwise, great job! 8.5/10

Answer 3

it is really really good, u got a certain...depth to it, poems can help others tell some of what ure thinking or create an imagination for them, but i think that it means ure having problems and scattered thoughts, maybe u feel lost, but anyway it speaks sorrow to me, but its good, words are heard above the rest of the noise, keep writing, and channel ure emotions, they say write what u know, so go on and take a whack at it.

Answer 4

I really liked the first verse but the rest seemed kind of forced. Maybe if you didn't rhyme the whole thing it would have more meaning. It was good though :)

Answer 5

I'd would say that this is a level above Ur age. However, there is a loose balance , some lines like " Do U endure days..years"is just a hash as if u didn't mean it." I lost my mind..feed her"  .

U have a good start don't loose the pace.