Wrote a poem ,what do you think, bit shy about it?

Question

see her.

swamped by the morality of time.

a spectre etched on a crystal ball,

fortune foretold and never forgotten.

a queen of hearts if not her own,

lust whos danger cannot be withdrawn

a spell upon her essence, tied to a feeling,

hope can never perish in water this deep.

the key to her mystery will never fit the lock.

gilded dreams of nights parallel have never been so close

to feel and to taste and smell the invisible

has become a pleasant scar upon the soul

now the twisted barbs of karma loosen their grip,

but not before the tide has passed.

can someone hear, the silent scream on her breath?

it will go unanswered because thats what she wants.

a never ending wonderland,a otherworldly retreat.

where death breathes life into the void.

Answer 1

It's good has plenty of pain but I would read it out loud and look for the blind areas and what I mean by blind areas is when you read it out loud to your self you will hear where it needs work.

Then you can work on rewriting it keep reading it out loud to your self as you rewrite it until you can hear it ring with the potential that it has.

I am not criticizing your poem just offering suggestion's keep up the good work.  

Answer 2

I read this, read it again.

Went away, came back to read it once more.

A few grammar errors that are easily corrected.  For me, maybe no one else agrees, but poetry is as much about the rhythm as the message.  

The rhythm you build into a piece is what allows me, as the reader, to soak up the message in measured doses.   A measured dose is much easier to absorb than a sip here, a slug there, then getting lost, then another slug.

I did not get lost in trying to follow this message of yours, that's a good thing,,, at the same time I was not able to settle into a rhythm before the piece ended so I was left feeling unsure of what I had read.

The images are good, some incredibly good,,, my favorite is :

" a spectre etched on a crystal ball,

fortune foretold and never forgotten.

a queen of hearts if not her own, "

In the first line, did you mean morality or mortality ?

This is another excellent line:

"the key to her mystery will never fit the lock."

All in all you have the beginnings of a nice bit of verse that will only improve with some editing and reworking the rhythm.  Both of these are easily accomplished.  

I look forward to seeing a reworked version when you are ready with it.

Answer 3

it is ok

Answer 4

This certainly is an interesting poem. It has a lot emotion inside that wrapped around it creative and beyond the content of it.

Answer 5

there is something about it that caught my eyes. It might be just how the words flow so well.

Answer 6

I think that you are very brave to post this on Answers.  A better forum for critique of writing might be Mike's Writing Workshop group on Yahoo Groups, where other writers can take a look at what you've done.  

Personally, I think that the atmosphere of the poem is a little melodramatic - simplify the language and create a more vivid picture.  There is a lot of imagery in a little space, and it can overwhelm the reader a bit.  But, you can see the pain that she's going through.