Wy do people continue to group relinquishment issues with adoption issues?

Question

Shouldn't they be addressed separately?

Answer 1

Yes, but it's easier to make adoption simpler.

If people knew how complicated it was, they probably wouldn't do it.

Answer 2

For an adoptee - like Phil said - they are so intertwined.

Some issues may be able to be separated - but with every case - some things may overlap.

First damage - is the relinquishment from the bio family. (if the a-family and/or adoption agency had anything to do with it - then lines get incredibly blurred)

Other damage can be caused by -

- if the adoptive family weren't completely ethical in the adoption - meaning - if they didn't help a mother parent first - instead of just wanting the baby for themselves first and foremost.

- if the adoptive family don't allow for grief - for contact - for the adoptee to be who they are - not who the adoptive parents want them to be - etc etc etc.

- 'adoption' itself encompasses the act of the sealed records (as records are not sealed until an adoption has actually taken place - relinquishment has NOTHING to do with this) - and the fantasy that too many AP's & society have - that adoptees have now a replacement family - instead of an extra - larger family - and that they don't/won't want their identity and history and truth - or that they don't deserve or need it - like every other member of society is entitled to it.

- if the bio family chooses not to have any contact in the future with the adoptee if he/she so wishes - because of their own pain - again this is harmful to the adoptee - as the adoptee will again think that they are unworthy of contact and love.

It's all so intertwined.

Answer 3

Adoption presupposes relinquishment.  While there are issues that can be separated, they are incredibly closely entwined.  Every adoptee has been relinquished (in one way or another).  Adoption is predicated on relinquishment.  

But I grant you that adoption adds another layer of problems on top.

Answer 4

Oh Kassie..."I'm a messy patch on a big hole."

:'(

I've never heard a better analogy.  Need to go wash my face now.

To answer the question...I think that for some, these two issues are closely intertwined, and for others, they are separate.  This is what I've heard anyway.  But undoubtedly, if a child hadn't been relinquished (or surrendered, stolen, or whatever the case may be), that child would never have been adopted.  In some ways, these two topics couldn't be pried apart with a crow bar.  

I wonder how our kids will deal with these two issues, beings that their relinquishment (involuntary, usually) will be predating their adoption by years.  We just put in our homestudy for a sibling group who's oldest is 11.  For them, these two issues might be very far apart in their minds, because there are no guarantees at that age that the three kids will all be adopted (so, adoption is not a guaranteed outcome of the separation of the family).  Then again, these kids don't have as many emotional issues as many kids their age, so adoption is more likely (so, maybe in their minds, adoption is a logical outcome of the separation).  

Interesting stuff.  I think it has to depend on the individual child, and what they need; how they need to deal with it.  Not every adoptee will deal with this the same, I think.

Answer 5

Excellent point Lara, because even if an adoption never took place, the relinquishment issues would still be there.

However if an adoption didn't take place, the child/person would still have access to their OBC and wouldn't have their name changed and records sealed, so SOME of the issues are in a sense "grouped", in a way.

I guess it depends on what issues you're talking about.

Great question.

Answer 6

When I read people's posts here I often find myself substituting "relinquishment" in my mind for the word "adoption".  I get that adoption involves loss. However I think if the relinquishment or tpr or bereavement has already happened, it's separate from the next step which is foster care, adoption, or an orphanage.

As an adoptive parent, I didn't cause my child's loss.  I'm trying to make up for it, a little bit.  I'm a messy patch on a big hole.  I didn't make the hole.

I think the line gets more than blurry when people come on here and ask questions like "Where can I find a birth mother?".  I think some people (parents or adoption agencies) really do feel like they can just find some unfortunate woman and take her baby off her hands for her. If I was an adoptee from that kind of situation, and especially if I later met my mother and found out that she felt coerced or changed her mind and was shut out, I'd speak of my adoption/relinquishment as one and the same thing.  And I'd be pissed.