X-post - do you think I am building this/him up more than it really is/could be?

Question

He was my first. I was young, silly and naive and slept with him on the first night thinking he was interested in me. He wasn't. He already had a gf(or maybe wife - not sure if he was married then or got married afterwards) and child - I didn't know about this till later. He wanted s*x - he called me again twice and I thought he might be interested in me. I found out about her on the third time I saw him and ended it straight away. So I meant nothing to him - just a bit on the side. He used me and moved on. I saw them once together and he looked 'into' her. I moved on too - this was 7 yrs ago - now I am married to a great guy and we have 2 kids under 2. But life is hard with 2 kids and I don't work so I have very little to think about. Someone mentioned to me that the house this guy from the past lived in (so I assume he owned) sold for over $4mil. He earned heaps so I guess he could have owned it.

So now I have this image of them living happily ever after. Married with kids, LOTS of money - money to buy anything they ever wanted.......anything at all. I assume they live in the same small town he came from ---so close to friends/family. So he probably doesn't cheat as he. Guys can separate love/s*x so he probably loved/s her and has got it (the urge to cheat) all out of his system that time with me. Being close to friends/family also probably means that he doesn't get the opportunity to get away with it as he was so careful when he saw me those couple of times. I don't know any of this - except for the selling the house that they lived in - but it kind of fits into place. I never let him bother me before but now that he seems to be so well off in life with everything I just feel so down about mine. I love my hubby and children but I have this vision of them having it so much better than us. I know I sound like I have sour grapes - but he was so callous to deceive me and use me for s*x - he never lied but deliberately let me think he was single. And obviously cheated on the wife/gf.

Do you think his life could be this good now? I know I should concentrate on my own - and I am - but it would make me feel better to know that things are probably not as great as I have the impression of for him. I think it is possible that I have just built this up to be something bigger than it is - possibly he is just like any other guy - just a bit more money?

Answer 1

All married couples fight and there are problems in all partnerships, the only way you are building this up is by constantly thinking about this. You are building this fantasy totem upon him so that you can throw all of your guilt, anger, hurt and present problems on it as some form of worship or sacrifice.

Realise that this is way in the past, that you now have a man by your side who wishes to spend the rest of his life with you, two children who love you and depend on you to show them how to be fulfilled, happy and peaceful individuals as they grow and that the best thing you can do is be that person too. It's a win-win situation depending on how you choose to look at it.

The more you think of that other guy the worse you feel...so don't!

Answer 2

I think you think too much!  They have problems as any married couple.

Answer 3

Well to be honest you sound a little obsessed. You're right that you were silly to sleep with a guy you didn't even know on the first night. Now I think that maybe you really HAVEN'T moved on like you said since you are still thinking about this guy. Especially after 7 years. If you truly loved your husband, you wouldn't be giving this guy a second thought.

Every one has good days and bad days...no marriage is perfect. If he cheated on her then, maybe he still cheats. Maybe he doesn't. At this point who cares? Just face the fact that you weren't meant to be "his true love" and get over it. And trust me if a guy wants to cheat, he can make it happen...it doesn't take much to get away with it in today's age.

As for having tons of money...well if it's true about the house selling for that much, well he would have to buy a house similar in price or pay tons of taxes on it. (it's called Capital Gains tax) And even still so what if he's got money? It sounds like you truly aren't happy with your lot in life, maybe you should quit looking back and wondering "what if" and instead figure out why you aren't happy in your own marriage. Maybe you need to go out and get a job so that you have more money? Or go back to school so that you can have a career? Sometimes being a stay-at-home-mom isn't fulfililng enough, it's hard work to be happy about cooking and cleaning all day for no money. And to have your children that you so lovingly care for smack you and tell you that you are a bad mommy etc. It's not for every one.

Either way...quit thinking about this guy. He's not your husband, he wasn't even a boyfriend or EX even...he was a roll in the hay and you were nothing more than a pool in which to dive into. Good luck. I think that you are going to need it.