Yelling vs Verbal abuse...

Question

I have 6 children ages from 4 to 17....4 of them are teenagers. Yesterday one of the teens had several appointments that required me to drive her around and consumed my morning.

We had to leave for a family reunion by 1pm and there were several things that needed to be done at home and the other kids were there. I had delegated the chores--well within their capability to the other teens. During the time I was gone I had several cell calls from home because of arguing and not doing assigned tasks. Each time I talked to my kids, told then what needed to be done and mediated the arguments.

I got home to find none of the tasks done. In fact rather then clean the room, things were stuffed in a closet, the packing wasn't done. The oldest child that was ;in charge' had spent the time texting and listening to her ipod. I called them from thier rooms, and yes I yelled in a raised voice, and told them to do the things that needed to be done. My husband got home the same time as me and in front of the kids told me I was verbally abusing them he proceeded to call me names in front of my kids.

When I 'yelled' at my I was calling them from aonther part of the house. I didnt call them names or use cuss words. I asked them why the jobs they were asked to do werent done. I was mad and I was frustrated but I did not belittle them.

I do not think I was abusing my kids. My husband and I have sharply disagreed about this. I feel like he underminds me in front of the kids and creates division in our parenting which makes it even more confusing for the kids.....

I need some perspective, can anyone help know when or if it is okay to yell and when it crosses the line to verbal abuse........

Answer 1

I don't think you verbally abused your kids by raising your voice. I have had to raise my voice to get my daughters attention. They didn't do what they were told to do. You could punish them in other ways like taking away the ipod or texting device that your oldest used instead of doing her chores. Make sure you punish them all or it's favoritism. I think your husband was verbally abusive to you by calling you names.

Answer 2

Every parant had to yell on their kids,when this yelling will convert into abusing will depend on the tolerence of the individual,no line could be drawn between them.

Answer 3

Yelling is when your child does not do something that you have confided your child to do within the limits, and they had time to do it. Verbal abuse is when you start putting them down, and always degrating them. What you did is not verbal abuse. It's called parenting. Tell your husband that this is called discpline. To tell you the truth, the way he started calling you names is probably going to be more sunk into their minds. Tell him to stop his bad influences. Good luck with your kids. Every child (if at fault) needs soft but firm discpline.

Answer 4

you tell your husband to ******* deal with it then that makes me so mad... if i would have dont that to my mom she would have physically abused me

Answer 5

Yelling is NOT verbal abuse.

I completely disagree with your husband.

You weren't calling them names or belittling them, rather venting your frustration that chores you asked them to do were not done.  This is not abuse.

Your husband was out of line abusing you (yes what he did to you was abuse) and especially in front of your kids.

Answer 6

i think it's normal to yell at your kids for not doing their chores. it would be strange if you didnt because you'd be letting your kids do whatever they want, whenever they want. however, the more you push, the more they'll rebel. maybe you should work on your tone of voice, or perhaps offer rewards if they get their chores done. kids love rewards. you should also have a talk with your husband. make him understand that there needs to be some rules around the house, and that everyone needs to play their part in the family. that it can't be all left up to you to do everything.

by the sound of it, it's not verbal abuse. verbal abuse is a statement of disapproval which is undeserved and which tends to leave lasting scars. simply yelling at your kids for not doing their chores is not something that will leave them scarred, nor is it something that's undeserved, so your husband is wrong.

Answer 7

I am so sorry to hear your husband did that to you in front of the kids. Yes, you are right you were yelling. Quite frankly, I would have been livid, too. I can't tolerate disobedience! Verbal abuse is when you degrade them (name calling, putting them down, tearing at their confidence and self worth). you were disappointed and tired, you did what most parents would have. Now on to your husband, sounds like your husband is the verbally abusive one (calling you names). You NEVER, as parents, should argue in front of the kids, especially about discipline. it will undermine your authority, that's probably why the kids felt it unnecessary to do you requests because they knew their father would come in and defend their inactions. You as adults need to talk privately about this matter. Decide that you all need to give a 'united front' when it comes to the kids. Also tell him the yelling at you will not be tolerated, and as the mother of his kids he needs to respect you. point blank. If this is more serious then a little squabble (you guys argue all the time, you feel your hubby constantly puts you down, you sometimes fear he may strike you, you don't feel valuable or worthy)--seek counseling, BOTH of you!

Good Luck and Best Wishes,

Yvicks

Answer 8

Frustrated! Yes your husband was undermining your authority. There times when frustration takes over and nothing else works. However it is best to give your self a time out first and explore your options!