Yet another new poem folks. please let me know what you think?

Question

"The Mechanism"

the clockwork grinds and turns,

the relentless fire continues to burn.

and the treacherous clock continues to turn.

the machine spins it's false gears,

amplifying the unrelenting fears,

the fire burns and turns the gears.

the fraudulent deceivers stoke the fires,

while the uncorrupted masses climb the spires,

the spires of doom and they fall to the fires.

the degenerate machine spins and whirs,

as children of men die of in blurs,

because of the machine that spins and whirs.

the warning sign goes unheeded indeed,

as the mothers of sons fall down to their knees,

and they wail in vain to the sky and they plead,

they plead for the machine to arrest its speed;

for their sons march off and they die for their deeds.

and the unyielding machine spins on indeed.

thanks for reading =D

Answer 1

It obviously refers to the oft quoted 'machine of war.' However, there is a little too much whirs and blurs for my liking. Try not to use so much repetitive rhyming unless that is truly the effect that you are trying to create. I do like the references to clocks, a veiled reference perhaps to time left to live? And the fire that awaits being death?

Answer 2

This poem has very, very much potential. I recommend you to look over it again and make whatever revisions you see fit. It would seem that while every stanza held something that I found very intriguing, they also held something that I found almost cliché.

Just look again, and try to find what you feel may be too 'obvious in coming', and change it. =)

Also, it seems very repetitive. If that is the effect you're going for I recommend you add some more repitition. If not just get rid of it. The repitition seems to be in an odd spot of too much and too little.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;... Check out my poem, eh? I'm proud of it for having finished in 7 minutes after years of not writing a-one. =]

Answer 3

i love this poem it gives a lot of different metaphors for any one and every one every one will take it as there life sees fit but the metaphors i see here is sons going to the military and dieing for there country

Answer 4

WOW!!! That is an awesome poem. I love it.... I wish I could write poetry.

Answer 5

more than 3 answers this time. and i like this one to, you are writing about what you feel and i love it! the machine that brings doom to all of men is war, and you are practically saying that it isn't cool. i love your work, and please keep posting them so i can read them, cuz i can't write at all