Young adults that are looking for some steps towards marriage? Help as soon as possible.?

Question

We are looking for some basic, rule and binding steps or building stones for a good marriage, and we are wanting to know some "should we get married" guidelines**. A little help would be appreciated. :D

**like a checklist of things that show about us that we are ready to be married.

Answer 1

Contact your church.  Many churches offer pre-marital counseling and even classes for couples who want to get married.  And with a lot of churches, you do not have to be a member to take the class.

Answer 2

My husband and I read two books, as we were/are both quite young (we've been married almost a month now).

First we read "Before you say I Do."

And "1001 questions to ask before you get married."

I would not recommend going by the lists put on here, because glancing through them, if I had gone by them I would not have gotten married, but for where we are and where we are going, we are absolutely fine.

The other important thing: any question books or anything. The point of them is not "if we have a difference in opinion run," they are to teach you to discuss, negotiate, and compromise. Skills that you def. need to know how to practice with one another before getting married. So if you survive the books, and don't have any huge issues or differences, then you'll probably be fine.

Answer 3

Ok since I'm not about to write a book, I will just tell you that my hubby and I did cause we wanted the same thing. We got this book called,"101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged". It was great, thorough and we both thought it was fun. We did tree questions nightly alone, then went over them together. it really made it easy to see where we were and where we wanted to be as a married couple.

Answer 4

Have you lived on your own and paid living expenses for at least a year?  

Your first year of marriage is not when you want to try and learn how to manage a rent payment plus bills and groceries and still have money to do "fun" things...both of you need to know how to do this independently in order to do it successfully together.

Are the two of you synced up on values and do you have common goals (finances, whether to have kids or not, etc.)?  

Examine this critically - things that you may think are minor right now (kids or no kids) may become dealbreakers later in the marriage.  Make sure you're thinking on the same lines and have the same expectations BEFORE you get married.

Do you expect marriage to make things better or change the other person?

This should never be an expectation.  Realize that how you are right now before marriage (individually and together) is how things will be after.  He will not pick up his socks anymore or go out drinking less after the wedding the same as she will not spend less money or be more reasonable.

Can you argue fairly?  Or does it turn into a full out war with screaming and saying things you regret later?

Knowing how to deal with disagreements prior to being married is crucial.  The first year of marriage is difficult and one of the things that will make or break a marriage is communication.  Learn how to fight and you'll be able to communicate with each other in any situation.

Do your families support you?

It seems very Romeo and Juliet to go against how your families feel, but depending on the reasons (whether they're crazy or have legitimate reasons), sometimes you need to listen to them.  Remove yourself from how you feel and ask yourself "If I had a son/daughter in my position, would I support their marriage"?  Try and understand their side as well - your families will be a part of your lives for a long time.

These are just a few things and certainly is not all encompassing, but it's a good place to start when thinking about marriage.  Also, If you have to continue asking yourself whether you're ready or not, you're most likely not.

Answer 5

You should check out the article I've listed below.  Also, I would really recommend the book "How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk" by John Van Epp for anybody who is trying to decide if they are marrying the right person.  He has really looked thoroughly at all of the research and put it together in a way to understand if you are doing the right thing.  

Here are a few general questions I can think off of the top of my head:

1.  Will you have dated for at least two years before you get married?  (Your odds of divorce double if you haven't.)

2.  If wedding and marriages didn't exist, would you still want to make a commitment to spend the rest of your life with the person?  The marriage should be a way to formalize the emotional commitment you would have made anyway.  

3.  Do you trust your partner completely?  This is absolutely essential

4.  Have you spoken about what you want as far as having children?  You should know that you are some type of agreement.

5.  Do the good times outweigh the bad in your relationship?  One study found that in relationships which lasted, there was a ratio of at least five positive things (times when the couple was happy, positive things they did for each other, moments they touched, etc.) for every negative thing (times they were mad at each other, arguments, etc.).  In marriages, that led to divorce the negative times outweighed the bad.

6.  Can you talk openly with each other?

7.  When you have disagreements, are you able to walk away feeling okay with the way the issue was resolved, or do you feel upset and annoyed about the problem afterwards?

8.  Have you discussed how to handle finances?  This is a major reason for divorce so you want to make sure you know what you are getting to.

9.  Have you discussed how to divide household chores?  Same as #8.

10.  What is your gut telling you about your feelings on getting married?  When it comes to major decisions, it's been found that your gut feelings are pretty accurate.

I hope that helps.

Answer 6

Marriages improve drastically when partners understand what their responsibilities are and commit to fulfilling them.

five "objectives" that form the basis of being successfully married. Over the coming weeks we will examine these five "objectives" one by one. They are:

1.BE FRIENDS AND LOVERS:

• Spend time enjoying each other

• Develop love and intimacy rituals.

• Schedule in romance.

• Don't cause pain; give pleasure

2. BE A TEAM PLAYER:

. Create a safe emotional space that encourages open and honest communication.

. Negotiate all rules, roles, and responsibilities.

. When dealing with difficult issues, have respect and patience.

. Take responsibility to confront all problems before you start feeling resentment towards your spouse.

3. BE LIFE BUILDERS:

.Staying married means sharing meaningful goals and values.

.Having children and raising a family are certainly meaningful experiences to share. But take the time to consider other, perhaps even more meaningful goals to pursue beyond having children

.Married couples need to share something meaningful together in order to create a strong marriage bond.

4.BE KING AND QUEEN:

.Becoming queen and king means creating an unshakable alliance between husband and wife

.Your spouse is your number one priority. Becoming queen and king means creating an unshakable alliance between husband and wife.

.Eliminating triangles is one of the biggest challenges in marriages.

.Nothing can be allowed to come between the husband and wife bond. In short, your spouse must be your number one priority. There is absolutely no room for compromise.

5. BE MASTERS OF GROWTH AND HEALING:

.A crucial task of marriage is to allow yourself to discover your weaknesses and take responsibility for working on and correcting them.

.We all bring some baggage with us into our marriages. We all carry some pain within us that needs healing. Each of us is imperfect and in need of character refinement. A crucial task of marriage is to allow yourself to discover your weaknesses and take responsibility for working on and correcting them.

.All good marriages have their rough spots.

.Good marriages do not just flow along nice and easy without a hitch. It is normal for a marriage to have its rough spots because it is only through the roughness that we grow and achieve personal wholeness. If we are to become masters of growth and healing, we need to free ourselves from the lie that a good marriage should be a comfortable and relatively painless experience.

.Understanding and articulating the underlying need that is not being met is the first step towards taking responsibility for improving the negative dynamic and effectively working with your spouse on creating a stronger marriage

Answer 7

I have been married for almost 6 years, these are a few things that I was blinded by with my love for Frank:

1) Children? boy cut him or not

2) Is he or she prepared to put you #1 before their parents?

3) How are paying the bills? Who will take care of the finances?

4) What sort of responsibilities do you plan to share ie: taking out trash/ washing dishes/ pet care

5) Health, is your partner going to be there throughout surgeries? Or will they shut down if you or your child is sick?

6) Eating in bed, sure it is fine for a while but is it okay for the next 50 years or so?

6) Are you in love enough to ignore the physical part of the marriage if need be?

7) Religious beliefs? Okay with abortions? Okay with adoption (if a child is not able to be conceived)?

8) Political views (trust me it doesn't seem too important but it will if you decide to support one side by donations and your not on the same page.

9) What are your visions of a marriage? Every one has their own view. Some people think they need to have kids with in 5 years. Others think that they would like to wait and travel. Or build up money

10) Pre-nup? Are you both going to keep the same last name?

11) If one of you were to gain 100 lbs a year would you still love eachother the same?

12) Where do you plan to live and how will you support yourselves?

  - you will need to look into insurance for a vehicle, health, and home

  - you will need to have emergency money incase you need to fix your car

   - Dental emergencies, how will you pay?

13) Are you okay with adult photos in the marriage? if one of you are a bit kinky is that going to be a problem? (yes it may be fun now but will it get old to look at?)

14) Friends? are you all friends or are you from a different click?

I know that some of these things seem stupid, but from my marriage and from failed marriages that I have seen in the past years these are the things that can make or break you. Yes Love is important and can with stand all, only if you BOTH are willing to work at it. and that is the most important thing to think about will you both work through the storm and get counceling if needed? or will one of you throw the towel in right away and run home to mommy or daddy? I would also look into seeing a local pastor or counclor to talk to it will be worth the money and heart ache to be interviewed before marriage.

good luck you will be in my thought i would love to hear how it turns out!