Young wife in need of marital/divorce advice. Husband refuses to marriage counseling...any hope?!?

Question

My husband & I got married in October (2007). We were only together for about a year prior the the wedding. Why we rushed...I dont know?! There was really no reason for us to. We just both thought we were ready and that there was no reason to wait.

Neither of us have any kids, therefore, no stress there...No cheating, non of theat...For some reason, we just dont seem to get along like we use to...like there is no *spark* left. (yea, I know...pretty sad for only be 21 and married not even 1 year). our s*x life is pretty much non-exsistent.

We do NOT communitcate whatesoever,He will not express any emotion to me or try to fix big arguments/fights...he just expects them to go away and for me to forget.

Over the weekend, we had the biggest fight ever!

He threatened to kill himself because life with me is a living h**l....i'm boring/no fun/too uptight.....and he even mentioned the "D" word...

Not only did he mention it, he flat out said he wanted it!

After I about died from an anxiety attack, he must have felt bad for me or something and said that he didnt mean what he said and to just drop the whole situation...act like it never happened...

SOOO, to shorten this up (sorry)...obviously, this is something that is just not going to "go away". And apparently this is something that he has been thinking about quite often. And with the look that he had in his eyes when he said that he wanted a divorce, I truly believe he meant every word. I could probably go on forever...but here is my

QUESTION

? : What do I do from here? I want things to work so badly and i will not initiate a divorce. Am I happy living like this? No...& Obviously he isn't either...I feel like I've tried everything in the book and things just arent getting any better. Sometimes I feel like I'm married to myself...like I'm just living in a house with a stranger.

With him refusing to any kind of counseling, what more can I do to rekindle the old flame and be in love again?

Answer 1

If your husband won't accept any help and refuses to talk to you about the situation, there isn't much you can do.  You are not going to get any younger.  You can choose to waste your life with this guy or divorce him and get on with it.  

Answer 2

Here are some techniques you can try at home.

In the evening time, clear out the living-room floor.  Turn off the TV and turn on some soft music.  Throw some pillows on the floor for comfort.  Give him a note pad and you take one.  Have him write down 10 reasons why he was attracted to you.  Then, 10 reasons why he married you.  Each of you swap pads and read the answers out loud.  Then, have him write down what is bothering him that is causing the lack of communication.  You do the same about you.  Tell him to be honest and kind.  You too.  Then, swap the pads again and read the answers out loud to each other.

If he resist any of this, ask him to please humor you this time.  Saving your marriage is worth this try.

Answer 3

You go to counseling.

It is possible that when he sees what it does for you, he will want to go.

Answer 4

Hi,

To be honest, i dont see any serious issue. This is similar to a arranged marriage that happens in India. You both know just for a yar before marriage. What u both know abt each other as new lovers is diff from the reality u will see once u both live together. It takes bit of time to accept things and settle. Best way to come out of it is, just see what u need to do to mak him feel comfortable. when he is cool and easy, talk to him abt how he feels after marriage. tell him u will change urself to make things easy for him. trying to mak him feel that u will give up will make him think why he should not change a bit to accomodate u. Understand each others likes and dislikes and always respect his space around him. getting into each other too much also will mess up things.

when u say u hv arguments, remember that argumnt is possible only when u defend. Just accept what he says, it ends there.

relationship is abt gaining confidence with each other and accpt each other.

msg me in YM if u wish

my id is frndly20052010

Answer 5

Hey if you want to, this is my email, [e-mail] yahoo messenger..

sounds like your going throw the same thing i am, but i have kids.. so that is the only thing that is differnt.. am 22.. but I might be able to give you some advise.. good luck.. have a nice day..

Answer 6

I went to marriage conseling 4 times.  Did not work for me!  It just made me even more sad and depressed, because me and my wife are extremely mismatched and have absolutely nothing in common with each other-she is closed minded and I am open minded husband.  She is a homebody and I am an outdoormans.  So anyways, I have tried everything nothing worked.  Sometimes marriage conseling does not work for everyone!

Please don't laugh! But the only thing that really worked was for me to get her to sleep with me tightly every single night in the same bedroom.   I got this small bed mattress for us.  And now we snuggle up tightly with each other, everything fell into place.   I no longer have frustrations, stressed out, sad, depressions, or angriness -getting pissed off all the time.   Its like calm after the thunderstorm.  I cannot believe a little tiny bed mattress improved our marriage together.  Also our 3 kick @$$ children are so damm cute and awesome.  

Answer 7

IF u want it to work just go for couseling en mm be nice may be it will help

Answer 8

You have four options that I see right now.

One, tell him that either you go to marriage counseling together or you will file for divorce.  This may backfire as he may actually want the divorce.

Two, go to counseling alone and see what the therapist recommends.  

Three, file for divorce now.

Four, and personally, this is the route I would choose first:  I know it's hard to feel it right now, but pretend it's a year ago, when you guys were loving and affectionate.  Act towards him the way you did when things were good...hug him, talk to him, tell him he looks nice today, cook for him, whatever it is that you used to do.  I know you may not feel like being affectionate with him right now, especially when he's acting like a jackash, but just try it.  

By acting like you are in love, you may begin to feel that way, and it may make your husband feel that way too.  It's worth a try.  Give it a good week or so of doing this.  If there is any improvement at all in that week, keep at it.

If there is zero improvement, choose another option.

Answer 9

Just because he said that doesn't mean he has been thinking it people say stuff when they are angry. We always feel the need to talk out things and problems (Women). While men feel it is over and done with once the argument is over. I don't think one approach is better than the other you just have to realize there is different approaches and work around it. While you are thinking so hard about the fact that the situation with him saying that is still a problem and he is debating it. More than likely he thinks you know he said it in the heat of the moment and that moment has past and all is better. Everyday is a new day focus on better now and things to come don't waste your time on dissecting a conversation or argument that can't be changed.

Answer 10

Just get a divorce already.

I mean all these people who hold up marriage like it's the beginning and end of all life force.  You shouldn't have to sacrafice your happiness for another person.  If it isn't working, it isn't working...get out.

Answer 11

I have known my husband for almost 10 years now, we were dating for 2 and married at 4 years of being friends/ couple.  at about 4 years we had been living together for 2 years and went through some tough times with some simular incidents.  Often people get tired of each other, often its just an phase.  This is an point to find out if they are gonna last.  

It really sounds like the honeymoon phase is over.   If you both want it to last keep trying to work it out.  

There are a lot of ways to work on things. Try talking to some family to get an idea on how to deal with things differently.  There have been a few times that I have broken down and talked to my father and mother in law to help get an idea of why my husband acts the way he does.  No matter how long you have been with someone there are always flaws and problems.  

They always say and its soooo true.  "Marriage is hard work"  Often you have to give something up or change something that you enjoy or like to make things work.  I am an stay at home mother and dont have any real friends that I didn't have from before my marriage with my husband.   My husband seems to be an jerk but is always just skeptical of people in the world and dont want to allow anyone that could hurt me or our children.  

Sorry this is long.

I just think that you will get through it as long as you both try, he may not seem to be trying.  give it an chance and time.  My husband and I took an year to get through it and shortly after we got married  we were better, there is nothing like the honeymoon phase, but you can get an good happy life.   Your s*x life will go up and down all though your lives together.  It will be hard and you will think its the end many times, but you are determined you can keep it together.

Good Luck.

Answer 12

This happens to millions of married couples all over the world.

I'm a Disabled Veteran  and served in the USAF. My income is $3,200.00 a month for the rest of my life.

I've been married 24 years and this is my first marriage ...it's her second.

She doesn't work and stays at home nagging me.

Our problem is similar to yours, but I my income is stable.

We have no s*x life and misery loves company.

My income would make another marriage probably better or perhaps you would make my life better being with another woman that I can love and in that sense you have a better life as well.

The answers to your problem lay in your hands. Your decision to get married and live the American dream is one h**l of a dream to accomplish if neither of you or your husband can sit down and work out your problems and stabilize your marriage.

Financially you both need money and without money you can't buy your house or buy a new car or even have the luxury of these things.

Then you have children and the problem financially escalates...it's no end.

Marriage is give and take and when your emotional concerns become imbalanced the misery flows down hill and everything in your path from your husband and viceversea is a living h**l.

The result is loss of affection, loss of companionship, loss of sexual appetite and the list goes on. Your marriage becomes a living h**l and then you come on yahoo answers and look for something or someone that has the right answer to solve your problems and it doesn't happen that way.

You are the divider of things to come and things past. You and you alone are the sole winner and you know what you are and what you want out of life...it's a matter of getting there with little complications and a bad marraige will definitely knock you down and prevent you from achieving your goals.

You work hard, but it's not enough, your marriage is still fragile.

Your husband trys, but he can't cope.

Both of you are in disagreement that will eventually lead to a perennial battle down the road and eventually end up in divorce.

If you're unsure of yourself right now in this marriage then bail out and save yourself before your tropical storm turns into a hurricane.

I wish you the very best of luck in your marriage. Win or lose...it's your call.

Answer 13

You're too young to be this miserable! In my experience things will only go downhill from here. Basically you're out of the "honeymoon" phase that we all experience in the first year or so of a relationship. For a marriage to work there has to be much more than that initial lust and it sounds like you are missing that. Go to a counsellor to work through your feelings but things really shouldn't be this tough so early on...... Really consider the fact that you have your whole life ahead of you and deserve to be happy with someone who you truly love. I wasted too many years of my life trying to fix a marriage that was fundamentally flawed (we mistook lust for real love). Now I'm with my soulmate I can see that love just isn't meant to be hard all the time!!!!

Answer 14

Go by yourself. When a marriage is in trouble, and one spouse refuses marriage counseling, the spouse who is willing to try can go by herself/himself.  

Answer 15

as much as i hate to say this but he would not have said that if he did not mean it i have been married for 17 years and a lot of fights later my husband and i never said that and we still have a great s*x life i do not think that at such an early stage in marriage you both should be having a relationship together if he is staying because of your attacks that is not fair to either of you and the relationship will probably get worse you need counselling and do not drag him he has to want to go for it to work i wish you luck   my opinion only