Younger sibling planning a baby before me :(

Question

i just found out that my younger brother (I am 26, he is 23 & we are the only kids) and his wife are planning on trying for a baby within the next few months. His wife said as soon as he makes $50,000 a year and she can stay home from work they will start, could be as soon as 3 mo. I am pretty bummed, because I wanted to be the first to have a baby. I feel selfish for thinking this way, but I feel that I am older & more ready (he does not have a permenant job & his wife is unemployed at the moment).He was also the first to marry and I feel like I should have a "first" at something.It is bugging me because my husband and I have been carefully planning on when to start trying, saving $, paying stuff off & we decided about a year ago that we will start this Fall. His wife is OBSESSED with having a baby & they convienantly decided to start trying for a baby this year after my husband told my bro a few months ago that we were going to try in the Fall.I don't feel that I have the right to tell him he is not ready, but can I ask him to wait a little longer, or am I just being a selfish *****? Does it really matter if my baby is second (to those who have been in my place)? When I picture them having a baby first & my parents SO happy, it REALLY makes me sad. I just don't want to be an afterthought like I have been in the past, but I do not want to rush into being a parent just to be "first". Please help!

Answer 1

Although I don't know exactly how you feel, I understand! It's hard when one sibling is more spontaneous that the other. My husband and I each have siblings similar age differences to you. We both are the "planners" and our siblings are all more spontaneous.

It took us both a long time to get things out and realize that we chose to live the way we do, and they chose to live the way they do. We may envy that they seem to always get away with things, but they often envy us because we make stability look "easy!" We have come to terms with the fact that it will never be equal. If you forgive your brother (and parents) for things that have happened in the past, you will be surprised how much better your life gets. You can't spend your life competing with your brother. You have your own family (your husband and future children) to take care of now. If you agree that it's wise to wait to have kids, you have to trust your feelings. Don't rush yourself for the wrong reasons.

Besides, who know when the first baby will actually arrive? They could be trying for over a year, and you could conceive in a month!

If you truly think they're rushing in, bring up the weird things that happen when you're pregnant and deliver: http://www.babycenter.com/0_moms-confess...

And believe me, your family, especially your parents, will be ecstatic every time a grandchild is born.

Good luck!  

Answer 2

I think it's a totally normal feeling.  My husband and I have been trying on and off for about a year now.  It was a pretty big shock when my 19 year old sister in law called with her pregnancy news.  I was very jealous because I was ready to have the first grandchild for both of our families and I felt like she took that away from me.  

But, you should be proud of yourself for wanting to dot your I's and cross your T's before you bring another life into the world.  Not only that, but who's to say they will even get pregant first?  It's really out of our hands completely, which is the most frusterating part!

Good luck to you!

Answer 3

1. Give your brother your blessing

2. No need to wait until Fall - babies are expensive no matter how much money or debt you have.  Also, most people don't get pregnant the same day they start trying so get to it!! Good Luck to you!!!

3. Forget 1st's & 2nd's - it really doesn't matter.  Hopefully you will conceive at the same time so the little cousins will have a nice close relationship for the rest of their lives.

Answer 4

First does not mean better. Let your brother live his life, and you live yours. Let go of these competitive ideas- it's all in your head anyway.

Answer 5

you know,...in the long run it sounds like you and your husband will have it so much easier and the way it sounds...you two are much more responsible and mature....

yes so it kind of sounds like they are trying to beat you to the punch and it is not the nicest thing to do...i think they will probably have a rude awakening when they do have a baby and realize how much money they cost and how much time and dedication they take,...they just don't sound very prepared for it.

but think about it this way,...when your husband and yourself finally do have a baby you both will be so much more able to appreciate it all because of all the planning and waiting for the best time...

i know it is hard because i live through this every m oment that is very special to me and i think they are supposed to me big moments in your life and it feels like they are robbed away from under you,...but my husband keeps telling me that it is okay our time will come and we will appreciate our moments even more.

i hope this helps,....

Answer 6

You are stressing for something that hasn't even happened yet. Just because they start trying doesn't mean they will conceive immediately. It is a chance, but there's also a chance it will take several months.

Read your question again. It sounds more like a competition than wanting to have a baby. I am sure you don't really feel that way, so get a mantra. Say something to yourself when you start having negative thoughts about the brother and baby.

Say something like my baby my time or my baby my way to stay focused on what your plans are.

Ten years down the road this won't even be a big deal.

Answer 7

Try not to let it upset you.  I know it's hard, though.

My younger brother was married a year before me, he had his son about 20 months before I had my twins... and he had his daughter 8 weeks before I had my twins.

Sometimes I worried that his son would steal all the sunshine but it hasn't been that way at all.  Yes, his son is a special little guy and he was first, and is the only grandson so far but I feel like my girls are just as loved as his.

If they have kids before you it's not going to be a big deal.

Answer 8

i understand how you feel but he  has a right to his own happiness and his life. Its actually non of your business, but i guess i can  see how it 'd hurt. I'm almost in the same scenario albeit a tad different- my  elder sister is  at least 10 years older than  i am and i seem to have made better choices,married a better husband and got married exactly one year after her. i made a conscious effort to not get pregnant for a full year after getting married hoping to give her a ttc lead and believing i could get get pregnant when i want. WRONG.

its been one more year and we are both still ttc.

Please try to be happy for your brother you are actually still very young  and you will get your own baby soon.

Answer 9

i totally get how you're feeling and it's not selfish but at the same time, you cannot ask him to wait because that would be a bit selfish!

keep in mind how many firsts you've had already! you hit 18 first, you could drink at 21 first, you could drive at 16 first! if she does get pregnant first, be glad you'll get to be an aunt first!

when it comes to babies, order doesn't matter they're all loved the same :-)

Answer 10

I can understand how you feel, but remember that it isn't a contest.  You and your husband sound like you have the right idea about taking some time, saving some money, and paying off some debt before you get pregnant.  

You have your own ideas about what you need to do to be more financially ready for a baby, and they have theirs.  But you will both have your children when you decide the time is right for you.  It doesn't matter who gets there first.

Answer 11

hmm, from my point of view, ur way of thinking is childish, not selfish.. U should know that its all up to God and faith who will have a child first. Not everyone who plans a baby gets it right away. they might try for years and u try once and get pregnant! u never know.

U know, my younger sis got married b4 me. everyone was shocked.. I was fine with it... a few months later she got divorced! After a year i got married, TTC for 2 yrs, and now im pregnant and she is still single!! C how life is?! no one imagined that this will happen, but it did... just leave it, everyone goes with his own plan as it suites him and God has his own plan for each one of us. at the end ur parents love u both and will be happy with ur child weather it comes first or 2nd. just pray that all will be in good health.

Good luck

Answer 12

i went through something like that with my sister she is 26 and has 2 girls and i am 22 and i want a boy my mother always wanted a boy in the family and i wanted to be the first to give it to her lol i know it sounds weird and who knows what s*x your gonna have but boy genes are dominate on my fiance side so i know im going to have a boy i can feel it my now my sis is like i want a boy and im like ok you already make mom a grandmother first so let me be the one to have her grandson first since she really wants a boy in the family so it was funny and we were competing on who would get preggo first with a boy  so i understand the competiion point of it but i hope u get preggo first start tonight :)  good luck