Your opinion about my failing marriage, please?

Question

i'm married and lately (4-6 weeks) my husband seems like a very different person.

at first i suspected cheating, but i don't anymore. he has been hanging out with his work buddies a lot more, drinking. not out at bars, but at his bosses house. he has a new L*****n butch friend. and also he has been working maybe 14-hour days 6 days out of the week. he works at a wine bar & grill. he asked for the extra hours and he says he loves his job and all the people there.

the last three weeks on ave. 2 nights out of the week he has stayed out at his bosses house because everyone had been to drunk to drive. i did suspect cheating for awhile, even drugs. he's changed so much and i don't know what to think.

i could understand that he'd be tired from working so often, but he is turning into...well, a a*****e.

logic tells met that i should leave him, neither of us seem to make the other happy. i want it to work so badly, i'm trying. he isn't. i've brought up divorce before and he said no. he didn't want it. i think i've become too sensitive looking for any sign that he cared.

we used to be so happy together. now i feel the worse i've ever felt in my life. i didn't do anything wrong. i don't know to do. i do try talking to him, somehow it just doesn't work. i cry, he gets offended and upset.

he came home this morning to get ready for work and i showed him a bug bite, something had bitten me. he made a lewd joke about someone giving me a hickey or something. he seemed to honestly be joking, not bitter or accusing- but i have never known him to make stupid immature lewd jokes like that. and i've never shown him any reason to think im cheating on him. i told him that it was really mean and insensitive . he didn't seem to care that i was hurt, so i asked why he didn't seem to care. he started to raise his voice saying "you just spent five minutes telling me i'm an insensitive jerk" so then we started arguing over what i told him! he started to leave without saying goodbye so i called out "thanks for saying goodbye!" and he came back and responded "you just called me a insensitive jerk, if you want me to be one, fine i'll be an insensitive jerk!" and he slammed the door and left.

seriously you guys, how could this happen? i don't know what i did. why is he so mean to me? what can i do?

he came home to get ready for work because he had stayed at his bosses house last night, i swear i was trying to keep the peace and not seem upset at all, i've gotten used to it but i still get upset. he used to be really sweet and so nice and so understanding and caring. i'd like anyone's take on this. any opinion? any advice?

Answer 1

Wow,  it is my idea that he does not want to be married any more and is being an a*****e in the hopes that you will say enough is enough and tell him it is over.  Then he can say" she kicked me out."

If he is not willing to go to counseling then you have to get along with your life.  It is a tough thing to do but it will be best for you.

I am in a bad marriage also and I feel for you.  

Answer 2

i wouldnt rule out cheating just yet either.  i more suspect that your husband is an alcoholic.  however, the fact that this behavior started suddenly makes me think that something happened 4-6 weeks ago.  you need to find out what that was.  try to really think back and think of any activities or anything like that that changed.  if i were a betting man, i sould suspect that he's cheating with someone at work, but that's just me.  

i would sit him down one day (if he ever comes home) and tell him that you want to work on your marriage and you both need to go to counseling.  if he refuses, give it two weeks...if things dont get better bring it up again, but this time, tell him that you will be contacting divorce lawyers.  he will either get the message and see that it's time to make a change, or he will brush you off.  if that is the case, it's time to think about bailing, because the chances of him changing are very little at that point.

Answer 3

well u are kind of over-sensative. it's just a bug bite, and he was jokng. is there a big deal here or are you making one? u know him better than i it's not up to me to decide, its your choice.

Answer 4

Sorry but I think he is cheating........first off he shouldnt be sleeping over his bosses house, second when they start making comments like the one you mentioned, in my experience plain & simple CHEATING, & lastly he is being distant & mean b/c there is prob someone else! Be very careful..

Answer 5

I wouldnt rule out cheating or drugs just yet. He's pulling back for some reason, and all this staying over at his boss' house is pretty suspicious and a little ridiculous for a married man. I'd do some investigatin'.  OR, he is feeling a married-for-a while itch and is trying out some freedom, but, either way, you guys need to seriously talk about this. Your marriage is important...you should demand some answers, you cant live like this.

Answer 6

I can already tell my answer is going to be really long - sorry for the length but I have a lot to say to you - bear with me! :)

It's a good sign that your husband has stated he doesn't want a divorce.  Obviously that means deep down he sincerely does care about you, love you, and want things to work.  Your marrige needs to be a priority, and right now it clearly isn't.  If both of you are not equally invested in the marriage, it will surely fail.  It's important that the two of you turn to your vows in times like these, and realize that you pledged your lives to one another for better for worse, til death do you part.  That doesn't mean until you decide you're unhappy or that it's no longer working - that means for life, no matter what.  You need to buckle down and try as hard as you possibly can to make this marriage work - and I mean both of you.

Your relationship needs to be first.  That means if it bothers you that he spends nights away from home, he needs to stop doing it.  I personally wouldn't be okay with my husband staying the night away from home either, so I totally see where you're coming from.  I think the first thing you need to do to try to repair your relationship is sit down with your husband and tell him you need to talk.  Try to do it at a time where you're not fighting - nothing will get solved that way.  Tell him how you're feeling about the marriage, and how he treats you.  Tell him it bothers you that you feel your relationship is no longer a priority to him, and that  you don't feel you should be spending nights apart.  What reason does he have to sleep the night out?  He can go out with his friends and enjoy himself, and even have a few drinks.  It's good that if he were too drunk to drive he's responsible enough to not drive, however there are other alternatives.  #1, don't drink so much that you will be unable to drive - be an adult and be responsible for the amount you're drinking.  #2, call your wife and have her come pick you up.

Once that's resolved, explain to him that you're unhappy with the way you treat one another.  I think that you were a little sensitive about the bug bite issue but I can also tell you that I've been there before.  It wasn't necessarily that you were pissed he didn't care, it's more than you were hurt because you feel like he doesn't care for you anymore, right?  I totally sympathize with that - it's almost like you're begging inside without actually BEGGING him "please care about me.. please."  You try to do everything you can and make every opportunity possible to get him to show you he cares about you just to try to make yourself feel better about the marriage.  I do it too on occasion but I'm trying to teach myself to stop.  It doesn't help or solve anything, and it just makes your husband think you're an overly emotional nag.  Explain all that to him - maybe he DOES think you're an overly emotional nag and doesn't actually see that all it is you're doing is trying to get him to be there for you and show you he cares.  I bet if you lay it out for him like that, he'll see it better.

Anyway.. phew.  You guys are in a rut, but it can totally be fixed.  All it takes is a 100% commitment from the both of you that you WILL make the relationship work.  There's no way a relationship can fail if both parties commit themselves 100% to the union of their marriage.

Good luck!

Answer 7

There is a reason for the sudden change...I found out the hard way that my first intuition was correct yours probably is as well...Cheating will change his attitude towards you because now he is comparing you to her or him which ever the case my be....He is not being considerate of your feelings so get unused to him spending the night out..that is unacceptable at any time or any reason there are taxis and metro transit.

Answer 8

when i read this, I thought "is she working". do you have a job and if you do forget what i am about to say. He may be feeling that he is the only one and this is a lot of pressure on guys. but if you are working, forget about it... another thing, I would ask him to take him out. this would lessen the "talk" becoming an argument. take him out and talk about this. this is obviously hurting you, the first steps are always to talk about it. arguments never solve anything. if you want it to work, put in the work. if anything try to spice it up in the bedroom, u want this to work right? go to Barnes and Nobles and get a book on s*x positions (i did this one and husband loves it), get some intimate coupons, or get some massaging oils and have fun. but I would talk to him first. you'd be suprise as to what he has to say... hope I helped

Answer 9

Honestly I believe the boss isn't g*y..  

Answer 10

ur husband sounds like a selfish b*****d to me. I think it would be best for you to get a divorce. it's better than living ur life like this when neither of u can make the other one happy or be happy yourselves.

Answer 11

Try marriage counseling.  If not for the both of you then go for yourself.  Since your marriage means a lot to you, take a look at both sides of the coin.  Ask your husband if he needs to talk things out with you.  It is good to hear what he has to say instead of torturing yourself wondering what is going on.  Start treating yourself better, like exercising, eating healthier, if you are already doing this, YIPPEE!  You are on the way to showing yourself you are special.  

Answer 12

He's cheating on you with what you call "butch L*****n" who is more likely bisexual.  Seems your boss might be in on something a little bit, or maybe he likes his boss.  I'm sorry but that's how I see it.

Answer 13

I am sorry about your marriage crisis. What I am telling you comes from experience and is not the usual reaction. We have enough divorced couples in this country. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my marriage but I was determined to make it work. You need to put yourself aside even if that is hard to do. Make your home a place where your husband wants to be. Give him your time and affection and do not nag or complain. All that time you might not feel like it, I understand, but I guarantee you that he will change. He will notice you and wonder why you haven't complained or nagged him. He'll be happy to come home and he'll open up to you. Be his friend.

Answer 14

He is cheating.

Pack his stuff and tell him to go live with his boss.

Next, tell him when he wants to go to marriage counseling you'll be ready ,in the mean time you are filing for divorce.

If THAT doesn't jar him back into reality, ten nothing will and it is probably over anyway.

Answer 15

It sounds to me like since working here he's rediscovered the joy of being single.  The industry is quite a lifestyle if you become part of it, and some people get completely sucked into it.

I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but in the food industry (restaurant) there is a LOT of s******g around.  I'm not kidding I've been close friends with lots of people who worked in the industry and been to several of their "get togethers" you would simply not believe it.

For him to be living this lifestyle he is very likely getting all the "benefits".  It's common for people in the business to have a lot of casual s*x, for most of them it doesn't mean anything it's pretty strange and more than a little scary.

I'm not usually quick to say "he's probably cheating" and if you look through my answers I usually say to give the benefit of the doubt.  But from what I've seen and what you are saying I'm 99% sure he's getting all the benefits of the service industry lifestyle.

Answer 16

Sweetheart, things are tough out there. I do not really know the whole story, and I wouldn't unless I were to be in your shoes. However, I know that no man should treat his wife like that. I know that in the Bible (if you believe in God) it says that a man must love his wife like God loved the church. Try sitting down with him maybe one night, when he is home, before you go to bed. Kiss him on the forehead...the chest...and tell him how much you really love him and miss having him around. I am not saying you are doing anything wrong, but men want and need to feel wanted and needed. A main part about how much they show their love for you is how much you build up their self esteem. Work hard with him and give him maybe a month to see how things go. If you work hard and he does not then maybe it might be time to take a seperation. However, maybe he will see how hard you are truly working on your relationship and he may respect that. Give it a shot. If you love him how will it hurt.  

Answer 17

It does sound like he has checked out of the marriage.  He talks to you like he's joking with a buddy about your bite.  It almost sounds like he's really saying "whatever".  I wouldn't be happy if my husband was staying the night elsewhere.

I think you might be right about either cheating or drugs.  You don't really know who is over there with him.  You only know what he tells you.  Maybe his boss & coworkers are such a good friends that they're helping him cheat by giving him a place to do it.  Or maybe he is doing drugs & drinking so much that he just passes out.  Either way he is not respecting your relationship AT ALL.  You should have a major sit down talk with him if he ever comes home long enough & just try not to accuse.  He'll shut down immediately if you come at him with guns blazing.  You'll never get anywhere.  Have you asked him point blank if he IS cheating or doing drugs?  

Now that I'm thinking about it he's probably chasing tail with his L*****n friend.  Those butch chicks get all sorts of straight girls.  

Answer 18

Its a simple answer my dear. He's actually living another life and that life doesn't include you. So as he seems to be enjoying his new found freedom and lifestyle, you're treated poorly because 'your' life (his old life) is more of a burden than anything else. The reason he says he doesn't want a divorce is because he's keeping you as a safety net. So when he tires of or something goes to h**l in this alternate life he can always return to you. Taking comfort in the knowledge you'll be there to cook his meals, do his laundry, warm his bed and fulfill his sexual needs. Until something else comes up and diverts his attentions from you once again.

So why live this miserable existence? I'm sure there's someone out there who'll value you for who you are. Just know that its obvious he never will.

Answer 19

I wouldn't rule out the possibility of cheating or even drugs/alcohol as a long shot, but there's also a good chance it may be neither of those and that this is just a case of Mars & Venus in action...

It took me a long time to realize how deeply men hate feeling put down by their wives... Even mild nagging can feel like a put down, especially  if his ego is already fragile...  

By the same token, we women are ultra-sensitive to abandonment... When a man we love suddenly leaves us alone for long periods of time,  for work, hobbies, friends, other family members, or whatever, we often start to panic... Are we losing him?  Did we do something wrong?

Our impulse in these situations is to confront him, try to pull him back to us, beg for more time, or manipulating him through cute (or ugly) little tricks to giving us the attention we so desperately want...

As far as I can tell, these type of tactics hardly ever work and instead cause hubby to withdraw even more... which causes us to nag even more... which makes him withdraw even more...  It's an ugly cycle...

What I've found helpful in my own marriage is two things... First, make a conscious effort to show my husband how much I appreciate the things he IS doing for me (us)...  I'm not talking about putting on a cheerful face when I'm hurting, but just expressing honest appreciation for his efforts - like when he's worked hard all day and comes home tired, etc.... Next, I've had to do a LOT of work to fight the panic I feel when he's been at his computer for hours and I want to spend quiet time with him, or when he has a boys night that goes a little too late... I've had to learn that it's not hubby's job to take away MY panic... It's mine... I have to remind myself that he loves me, I can trust him & that eventually I will get to have some time with him again...

If you try these things and he still remains distant, then I'd suggest talking to someone who can help you figure out your next move... In the end, you'll have to look at the big picture and decide for yourself if, on the whole, what you're pouring into the relationship is worth what you're getting out of it...

There are days (or weeks or months) when you'll give MUCH more than you get, but if that's happening all the time, I'd be asking myself if this is really what I need...

Answer 20

Are there kids involved here?  If yes, stick it out, go to counselling, whatever.  If no kids, time to move on.  Seems like the shine has worn off your relationship.  And WTF is up with spending nights at the bosses?  that is not good, in my opinion.   When you are married, you sleep at home, period.  Unless you are wasted and cant drive but that should not happen very often at all and it sounds like he is making a habit of it.  If you have some extra money, might want to hire a PI to follow him around after work and see where he is really sleeping