Your opinion on attachment towards an adopted vs biological child?

Question

Hi! I am wondering, for pure curiosity, if you think there is a difference between how parents feel towards their adopted versus biological children. It seems the obvious answer would be that there is a difference, just by human nature, but I'm not sure I agree. I worked with infants and felt such strong bonds with some of them and it taught me how easy it was to love a child regardless of whether or not it's your own. Also, I am studying to be a social worker and will be working with prospective foster families, so this is just for personal insight. If you are an adoptive parent or a child either adopted or with adopted siblings, I would love to hear what you have to offer on this topic. Thanks!

Answer 1

I came from a household of 5. My mother, my stepfather, my big sis (same mom and dad as me), and my little bro who was adopted from Kasikstan when I was 12. He was two years old when we adopted him and had looked to have been malnutritioned and abused in some sort or another. We also believe his biological mother could have been on drugs of some kind when she was pregnant with him. When we first got him there were no problems except the occasional screaming in the bath tub and normal tendencies of a toddler. Its been 9 years now since my family adopted Jeremiah ( now 11 years old). In the past 9 years he has been diagnosed with ADHD, bipolar disorder, and also slightly autistic. He's been taking to a number of specialists and doctors. He also has many learning and behavioral problems due to his conditions. We love him now as much if not more than we did the day he was adopted. My mother and stepfather have never shown favoritism over any of my siblings. I wanted to give you a run down of the issues we have and have had with Jeremiah just to show that it doesnt matter adopted or biological he is still loved just as much, he is our family. However, I do believe this is a matter of a persons character because I do not dout there are families out there where favoritism may may be an issue. I believe it soley depends on the person and or people you ask.

Answer 2

I don't think there is a difference. I know a couple who had tried for 5 years to conceive and then decided to adopt. They adopted a 14 month old girl, and then 2 years later got pregnant and had a girl and 2 years after that had another girl. I see them regularly and its obvious that all 3 are loved in equally, although I have noticed that their adopted daughter seems to get a tad more attention, and I believe this is because they had wanted a child SO badly for many years and then were blessed with her.

Answer 3

I only have one child, so I can't compare but I can tell you that I feel completely attached to my son. I adopted him when he was 2-1/2 and sometimes I actually forget that I haven't been his mother for his entire life!

I believe that both nature *and* nurture play a role in my child's life. He is very fond of cats, as his birth mother was, and I can't stand them.  :)  But ironically, my son often reminds me of how my (biological) sister acted when she was his age. He has a freckle on his left ring finger in the exact same place as his (adoptive) father, yet he loves spicy food, like his birth mother did. Interesting!

Answer 4

Me and my brother are both adopted.  I never felt a connection with my parents but my brother is just the opposite.  He has always been the favored one.  I don't think biological or adopted makes a difference.  My half sisters were raised by their stepmom, our mother abandoned them after she gave me up for adoption.  Their stepmom could not have loved them any more or been any better to them than if she gave birth to them herself.

Answer 5

I was worried about this when we started the adoption process.  I didn't know if I would be able to bond with a child who I didn't give birth to.  However, once I held my son for the first time, all of those fears disappeared.

Since I do not have any biological children, I do not know if there is an actual difference, but I would venture to say that there isn't.  I love my son unconditionally - I don't really think about the fact that I did not give birth to him (unless someone is talking about pregnancy).  He is my life and I cannot imagine our family without him.  I would lay down my own life for him if necessary.

The one thing I do worry about being different however is my overprotectiveness.  I tend to be very doting and overprotective with my son because I worry so much that someone may try to come back into his life to take him away from me.  While I know that it would be almost impossible and that those types of things happened in years past before laws were enacted to protect adoptive families, I still tend to worry about it somewhat.  

But other than that, I cannot think of anything different between what I would assume a biological mother feels and that what I feel as an adoptive mother.

Answer 6

I was adopted, and my parents never made a big deal about it. They always loved me and treated me as if I were their own flesh and blood, and I loved them just the same.

Answer 7

Don't think it matters at all.......my parents adore me and would die for me.  No one would even guess I was adopted if I didn't tell them.  I think my parents are more "into" me than some of my friend's parents who actually gave birth to them!

Am I curious about the woman that gave birth to me?  Yes

Do I wonder what the guy is like?  Sure

Am I thankful that they gave me up?  Absolutely

If I met either of them in the future, I would thank them profusely for giving me the chance to live a wonderful life with a family that wanted me so badly and was able to take care of me financially, physically, and emotionally.  I am eternally grateful...

Answer 8

There is no diffrence at all. I know several familys that have both adopted and natural kids the parents love them all the same.  I'm also an example i'm adopted and have 3 brothers who arent. My parents love me just the same as they do them. In fact the two oldest are my dad's step kids and he also loves them just the same if though they are just step sons

Answer 9

Adoptive dad here.

My little girl is wonderful. I can't imagine feeling anything more for one that was my biological offspring.

Answer 10

I have 2 biological children and 1 adopted child.  We adopted our little girl when she was a year old.  For me the bonding process was exactly the same for both the biological children and the adopted one.  I feel the exact same amount of attachment to all of them.  It's actually hard for me to believe now that she DIDN'T come out of my belly.

Answer 11

Some parents have slight differences in the feelings they have for their children.  That's normal.

It is the same whether they come home through adoption or biology.  Family is family.  Children are children.

Answer 12

I'm an adoptive mom, and my younger brother was also adopted.  There is no difference at all in the love that I feel for my daughter or for my brother.  In fact, the only time I ever even think about the fact that they were adopted is when people ask why we all look so different.

Think of it this way --  do you love your husband or wife any less because they are not related to you biologically?  Of course not.  They are your family, no matter what!

Answer 13

Depends on the parent. For some, sure, there probably is. For myself, I have decided and prepared myself long ago to love and guide my adoptive child just as if she were my own biological daughter. Being a parents is about giving all of yourself to your children and developing a life long bond with them, not about sperm.

Answer 14

Good question, darlin'.  

I'm a biological, adoptive and foster parent.  I have five kids in my house right now (two bio, two adopted & one foster).  They range in age from 9 to 17.

We've had our bio kids all their lives (they're two of the four teens we have) obviously.  Our foster daughter (also a teen) has only been in our family just shy of two weeks.  Our adopted daughters (one a teen & the other 9) have been in our family for 2 1/2 years.

We're completely attached to the adopted ones just like we are our biological kids.  We're attaching quickly to our foster daughter, also.  She was sitting on my lap this afternoon & this evening & we had a great time just snuggling.

I would lay down my life for any of the five without regard for whether or not they share our genetics.  I would walk to the ends of the earth for any of them.  

How this plays out in my daily life is that we love, care for and nurture them all.  We advocate for them all (one has special education needs, another special emotional needs & another was missing some credits for graduation & we needed to figure out how to help her graduate with her grade level peers.  This all took major advocating for them.  We consulted with experts, we went to meeting after meeting after meeting, we drove many miles getting them help and sacrificed a lot for it.  We got them the help and the results that they needed & it was very much worth it.

We enjoy spending time with them and being the parents they need.  All of them...not one over the other.

Answer 15

I think there is no difference. The love my grow under your heart or in your heart but its still love

Answer 16

I really don't think you choose. You simply happens to love this one better than that one

Answer 17

I do not have any bio children, so I can only answer for how I feel about my adopted daughter, which is to say I would die a thousand deaths for her and love her more deeply and strongly than anything in the world.  

Although I don't think there is a difference in the amount of love a parent feels for their children, I think parents, whether they have children bio or adopted love each of their children differently - not more or less, just different.  Each child is different and your relationship with each will be different.

There is a difference in HOW attachment takes place in bio and adoptive parenting.   Attachment in any relationship takes time and is a process.  The process is simply jumpstarted with a bio child through the "womb time".  Sometimes adopted children have histories that make them have a hard time attaching to an adoptive parent, or make it slower, in that case it is sometimes hard for the adoptive parent to feel as much attachment or it takes more time to feel the same level of attachment.  However, I think in almost all cases, the process of attachment may be somewhat different, but the level of attachment is the same.

Answer 18

I don't really know, but I do nw that your adopted child would feel more attached towards you for adopting them when they were alone, and your biological may likely take you for granted.

Answer 19

Let me start by telling you about my adoption.

I was born in honduras and the fifth child of my birth mom. Knowing she couldn't take care of me, she put me up for adoption at 3 months old. I was adopted by two lawyers from Brooklyn and New Jersey. They but me through the best private schools and now i am in college as a history major. I will become a lawyer and take over their business. As i look back, i am so thankful that I was put up for adoption. I could have been some kid who was starving living in a hut with a dirt floor and worrying about the next meal. Then, trying to find different jobs to keep my family fed with no direction in life and possibilty of breaking out of the system. I have every option available to me now. I am not a mother and i will never know what its like carry a child for 9 months. But i do know, what my birth mother did was the most unselfish thing any human being could ever do.  My sister is adopted as well from Arizona, but is of Mexican dissent.  My parents have no biological children.  My mom said as soon as she saw our pictures, she knew we were right for them.  My parents have loved me like as if i was biological and I view my parents as my real parents, not just adoptive.  Anybody who says they don't feel that way towards there parents are ashamed of them.  My parents are white and jewish and have never been ashamed of it.  I feel lucky to be hispanic, but more so american.  People tend to look at Hispanics as only good for manual labor, my parents made it so that I could show people that hispanics are smart.  I got a 30 on my ACT's.  I get a kick out of people who are surprised that I am Hispanic and not Indian from India.  My parents never hit or spanked me, but provided a loving home from which my sister and I can thrive. If your ashamed of being adopted, rethink that and thank your parents.  If you have more questions, don't be afraid to ask, after all, i think i am an expert on this topic.

Answer 20

I enjoy answering this type of question because I feel like I have relevant experience and strong feelings about it.  I gave birth to my daughter almost 18 years ago. I love her very much and have since probably before she was born. I was unable to conceive after her birth and we tried all the infertility treatments because I really wanted to be pregnant again and it was devestating to think I couldn't. After 6 years we adopted a newborn baby boy. I know I would have been concerned about being able to truly love him if I hadn't had the experience of working with babies earlier in my life. I took care of infants for about ten years before my daughter was born. I loved some of those babies very much and I couldn't help but wonder if what I felt for them was really love. I knew when my daughter was born that the feeling was very similar and that I really had loved many of those babies. I knew that I would have no trouble loving a baby that i could adopt. I love my son very much and there is no question that it is the same feeling I feel for my biological daughter. Attachment and love grow out of committment and caring and time and devotion and have very little to do with biology, i think.

Answer 21

I think you hit the nail on the head.  It's easy to fall in love with children.  I was raised no different than my siblings (I'm adopted).  My parents love me no less and no more.  However each child is different so of course we are treated differently.  I tell this to my own kids all the time.  I tell them fairness isn't about equality as much as it is about giving what's right for them as an individual.  When you adopt it's no different or at least it should be.

Answer 22

Hi, I have two sons, ages 37 and 34.  The younger is adopted thru an agency.  There is no difference in my love for them.  They are equal in all ways with my husband and myself.  They both know they are special and unique in their own ways.  There has never been any jealousy or feeling of being unloved, or loved more.  Both ways of having children is great and we will always be grateful to the wonderful girl who allowed to have this terrific person in our lives.

Answer 23

WOW.... Mel says it all she deserves the 10points for best answer.....I am an adopted only child & I could not of put it any better than she did.....

Answer 24

When I was 15 years old, my parents adopted a baby boy who was a few months old. From the day he came to live with us, my parents have loved and cared for him just like they did me. He is my only sibling so I can't compare our bond to having a biological sibling, but I can tell you that I love him more than anything in this world. He is now 6 years old, and he is my little man. I don't think of him as my "adopted" brother. He is just my brother, plain and simple. To be honest, sometimes I forget he is not biologically related to me. My parents have never treated us any differently. We are so blessed to have him in our lives.