Your thoughts, please, adoption community?

Question

IMO, even though adoption legally "severs" the FPs of "responsibility" to their children, most FPs still care deeply for and wish to "do" for their children. IYO, what "moral" responsibilties do first parents have? What things should FPs do on behalf of their children?

Aside from obvious things like keeping promises in "open" adoptions, being honest, etc.; my thoughts are things like:

-Updating medical history regularly

-Registering with ISSR

-Keeping a journal/memory box/photos etc.

-Providing a 1st family trees

-Inclusion in wills/college funds/trusts

You get the idea!

Of course things vary with individual circumstances. Just wanting to hear what your opinions are. Adoptees, what you you wish your FPs had done? FPs, what do you think you should do? APs, what would you like to see?

I'm sure I will have answers like "Don't put them up for adoption" but I would like some serious answers, please. This was a difficult question to word so I hope I haven't upset anyone!

Answer 1

As an adoptive mother, I would like to add my input on what I would have liked for my son...

1) Medical history. This is very important right now as my son is having some medical issues right now.

2) Family history. A family tree would have been wonderful.

3) Photos. We do not have any pictures of him before he was 5 years old.

I agree that the money part is not important. We are lucky that we receive an adoption subsidy that has gone into a separate account for him for college expenses, so more important are his other families, not the money.

EDIT: A family tree is important, in my opinion, in case something happens to the original parents before the child is able to search/find them, they will at least have the names of other family members that they could contact.

Answer 2

I'm a first mother from the BSE, so pictures and options wern't allowed.

I WISH I could of had a picture of my daughter but it was strictly forbidden.

I wish I could have passed along pictures of me.

I wish I had known about the medical history updates.

I wish I had listed her fathers "real name" on her birth certificate as lying has just caused more problems than I had anticipated.

I wish there would have been any form of contact, even a simple yes she is still alive.

I wish the agency wouldn't have told her parents that I was 13, on drugs, a run away, and clueless as to who the father was.

That completes my wish list.

What can you do as a first parent?

Get your life together and assume one day they will find you.

Have some form of memorabilia for them, letters, poems, pictures, ancestry info.

Bite the bullet, swollow your pride and share your tears in order to make a reunion a positive experience.

Acknowledge your offspring, be it through conversation, or a will.

Set something aside for just them to have that was personal to you.

Don't wait to be found, show your child that they meant enough to go looking for when the time was right.

Hold them so tight and for so long that their eyes about pop out. You owe them that.

Agree to disagree on certain things, don't let anything close the door again.

Respect that who they have become as an adult, had a great deal to do with their upbringing, not just their gene pool.

Appologize.

Answer 3

well this is a very difficult question to answer for me. I'm a Birth Father I went through the adoption process ten years ago and was lied to by the social services department and the adoptive family. they really were only interested in the birth mother and when she was going to have the baby , I was told that we would have an "OPEN" adoption so we could always be available for questions about health concerns and if my child ever asked I would be here to answer any questions concerning the circumstances of why we did this ..... for me the thing i try and do is to just love them as i would if they were with me . I Hold on to the hope that one day she will come looking for me I plan on registering with any organizations i can to make the process easier for her. Thanks for the Question this is really the first time i've Talked about this issue I've always thought of this as a personal thing and try not to bother folks with to much talk about it

Answer 4

I wish my mom had:

-sent me a picture

-told me who my father was

-told my family I exist

-agreed to meet with me, even just once

-let me into her life

-wanted to be in mine

-wanted to know her grandchildren

:(

Answer 5

We adopted siblings she was 5 and he was 1 when they joined our family. They had been with the same foster family for about 10 months.

As the Adoptive Parents I would have wished the Foster Parents would have kept the baby-book information for our son. We have none of the milestones the first year. We would also have liked to know a little more about some of the little special things he was allowed to bring with him--like his teddy bear and blanket.

We wish that the Foster Parents would have tried to get any picture of our little girl that was younger than 4 years old. I can't Imagine that there were really No Pictures at all and I wish my little girl had some kind of baby picture.

....Our little boy is 6 years old now, and he has asked me about the "mom" who took care of him at the foster place. His older sister tells him her stories but, he has questions about his baby time.

A few weeks ago he asked a series of "what was I like when I was a baby?" Questions, as well as,

"Who took care of me before you got me?" questions.

It would be nice if he (and his sister) had some sort of information from the person who took care of them... Maybe even a letter, "When I loved You....." for them to know that even though it was not a forever place--they were loved and cared for.....

Answer 6

I just went through an adoption as a Birth Father. The most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  I decided to keep my end of the adoption open.  After reading some of the comments, I am glad I made that choice.

Why would a family tree be important?

Answer 7

My adoption was old school. In the days of sealed records. Open adoption didn't exist.  What I wish ALL my parents had done (realizing that they had no choice & didn't know any better, of course) was:

1.) Exchange contact information.

2.) Keep my records OPEN, or at least, keep copies for me.

3.) Get a copy of my original birth certificate before it was sealed!

4.) Passed along picture of me as a baby (I have none before the age of about 2 years old).

5.) Photos of my original family - WOW! That would have been great!

Medical information was taken before I was adopted. However, it wasn't given to my a.parents.  And, my first mom was only 23 --- much of her medical history happened AFTER my adoption was finalized.  

Inclusion in a will? Honestly, I couldn't care less about $$, college funds, inheritance.  I want only to know my heritage, my story, my life, my history, my medical information (for myself, my children & now my grandkids).  

I was fortunate. I got to meet my first mom and my bio dad. I got to know them! I was able to have a relationship with them! (they have both since passed on). I didn't expect that I would when I began my search. It was icing on the cake!  And the decoration on the icing on the cake was finding out I had siblings - and getting to meet them, too!

Thanks for a great question!

ETA: And I wish my government didn't make me feel like I was breaking the law (or at least bending it) by searching in the first place!  

They wanted to know me. I wanted to know them. It shouldn't be so difficult to make contact! I was prepared had they said they didn't want to meet me. I would have respected their wishes...and hopefully been able to get an updated medical history.

PS When I met my 1st mom, I brought a photo album I'd put together of my life so I could show her photos of me growing up.

Answer 8

Similar to Theresa -

I wish my mum had:

-sent me a picture (my father has since finally sent me one - after searching for 38 yrs for my truth - pulling together the courage to reach out for contact - and having the door slammed squarely in my face by her)

-told me who my father was (I had to work that one out myself)

-told my family I exist

-agreed to meet with me, even just once

-let me into her life

-wanted to be in mine

-wanted to know her grandchildren

Mother's who go on and forget or pretend that the adoption never happened - and don't allow contact down the track - rip the hearts out of adoptees.

Double rejection - hurts more than words can EVER say.

ETA: Thankyou for your words Lori.

*sob*

Thankyou.

Answer 9

As a birthmother, the most loving thing I could do for my son was interview families and pick the best one I could for him.

They took pictures of me while I was pregnant, right after I delivered (holding my son) and right before I left to go home.  I also gave them pictures of my husband and my husband and me together.

We have not stayed in contact over the years and that's entirely my doing, since my life has not been stable and I have moved around a lot. Now that my son is about to enter his teen years, I have tracked-down the adoptive family and they have my e-mail.  It will probably be a few more years before we have any sort of steady communication.

If it's important to him that he meets me and asks me a bunch of questions someday, that's fine with me.

I have no idea what the ISSR is and will check it out.

Thank you!  :-)

EDIT: I think you mean the ISRR?

Answer 10

So many have said pictures. As an adoptee and now adoptive mother - pictures are so important. 30 years after my birth I found out my medical history. 2 days ago, I got my birth father's and grandfather's name. Now, I got a year book picture. How content and complete I feel.

Answer 11

I agree with the others. I couldn't care less about inheritances or trust funds, it's not about the $$

Pictures probably would have meant the most to me.

I wouldve loved to have a picture of me as a baby. Especially during all those school years when you have to do those stupid projects on your family.

I really wouldve loved to have seen pictures of them too. A big part of being adopted is that you never know who you look like. I know it seems stupid, and it's something the non adoptee world really takes for granted.

Now being in reunion, I wish my bmom was more open to telling me about my bfather. It may be the past to her, and it may not be something she wants to relive, I can understand that, but at the same time it's still part of me and who I am. I want to know. Let me make the decision on weither or not I want a relationship with him.

Answer 12

As an adoptee what would I have liked to know:

My name

My identity

Who I am

My family

My medical history

My history

And why?why?why?