Your thoughts? I would like to share with you one of my arias from my upcoming "Dracula" opera. Part 1?

Question

LOVE IMMORTAL

Oh please can it be.

Please can it be.

The love of my life,

Looks back at me.

I’ve waited thru the ages.

I knew love was not lost.

I’ll search the world to bring you back.

Great oceans I will cross.

You beacon the light,

To my ship-wrecked soul.

A torch for the night,

Like warmth against the cold.

Until our love’s reunion,

You hold my soul at bay.

We’ll be as one,

What ere the cost.

My heart will never stray.

Is my eternal love for you,

A blessing or a curse?

But if our destinies should perish,

Is there nothing worse?

Nothing worse?

Nothing worse?

copyright08222008JLC

Answer 1

Song bird, you write such beautiful poetry - you have captured the agony of romantic longing so accurately. Wow. I really wish I could hear these words with the music...

Hafwen x

Answer 2

I think you strike one of the main themes that make Dracula so popular and fascinating.  Eternal love is something us mortals can only hope for figuratively,  you present it as real.  When reading both parts I thought of Wagner's Flying Dutchman!

Answer 3

I wish I was as poetic as you!

Jeez...

My only criticism (if you call it that) is:

"What ere the cost"

Should this be

"What ev're the cost" ?  Not sure, I think "Whatever..." sounds a bit fitting, than "What'ere..."  

Then again, I'm not a poet nor a good lyricist like you!

I want to see this Opera :)

Answer 4

First, lets look at the meter. Us Southerners, we call these " Poetic Ballads," where the line lengths change by one beat every other line. I like the flow of this one. Like many of my pieces, only I know where the eighth-notes are. Yours were not too hard to find.

Second, syntax and punctuation. There's no two syllable word until L5, making the drum beat even easier to find and follow. The repeats at the beginning and end reinforce the setting. The punctuation is very clean, with one apostrophe and one hyphen.

Finally, the story. This is a very romantic reflection and I like "beacon" as a verb.

This is very good. I would love to hear the music (on TV, with millions of other people...)  

Answer 5

Is this near the beginning of the opera? I think it's both very fine story telling and and a great introduction to a mystery. It could be the story of how Dracula came to be, or how he goes about to reconcile some lost love, or just the gut-wrenching knowledge of how things could have been different. All of those story developments are enrapturing. The audience is immediately drawn into the opera with anticipation. I think you've got us hooked!

Congratulations! Job more than well done!

===

The one typo (and it probably was just that ) in line 16 has already been addressed: "What ere" should be "Whate're" (whatever is a single word, and the apostrophe replaces the missing "v"). Your proof reader and copy setter would catch that before publication anyway.

Answer 6

Song Bird, you are clearly a very talented librettist.  Reading this sent chills up and down my spine.  Bravo, my friend.