Your thoughts? Love Immortal/Dracula opera- Part 2?

Question

This is the second half. Please keep in mind that the music was written first.

To gaze in your eyes,

Some see just green.

But I see much more,

I see my dream.

I know there is no doubting.

It’s you I recognized.

You are the one,

I know it’s true.

Our love Immortalized.

I’ll soon be there,

Please wait for me.

A perilous voyage,

Over land and then by sea.

Two hundred years of waiting .

Two hundred years apart,

It is my fate to reach you now.

To heal this empty heart.

The emptiness inside us.

Oh can you feel the pain?

If I can’t bring you back,

I’ve lived in vain.

I will not leave you ever.

Oh can you hear my plea?

Our souls as one forever.

Our precious love shall reign,

For Immortality.

copyright08222008JLC

Answer 1

I don't know what Alberich is missing -- the poem is constructed in rhyming couplets -- pretty straightforward.  And the treatment of the Dracula character has many precedents.

There have been many different versions of the Dracula story, and they almost all deal with the conflict between the two personalities -- the underlying humanity versus the overmastering bloodlust.  There is stong irony in the poem.  Good work, songbird!

Glinzek

Answer 2

since this is for an aria in an opera .... not only does it convey very passionately the essential passion of the character and the near eternal loneliness at the core of his "soul" very lovely and quite a good plot mover too!

Answer 3

You are such a vamp girl, it was a very good poem. I was actually born in the Transylvania area of Romania.; alas I never met a Vampire. They must have moved to America by the time I was born.

One suggestion, change (if you like)

Over land and then by sea

to

Over land, then by sea

I think it hiccuped there, I think the "comma" might work better than the "and."

Answer 4

     First of all, although I've tried my hand at poetry - written a few poems - I'm only a "would be poet", not a real one.

     So my remarks should be understood to be those of an amateur, not a professional writer.  Comments:

(1) it has a nice flow, and rhymes pretty well.

(2) what bothers me most, is that it's written in one, long, continuous flow; there are no - don't know what the formal term is - divisions, paragraphs or whatever the term is in regular poetic nomenclature.

(3) I find rather strange, incongruent, that you have taken an infamous figure, known throughout the world as a disgustingly vile figure - one who feeds on human blood - the epitome of selfishness and evil, and are attempting to portray him as some kind of lofty spiritual being.  Doesn't fit, work for me.

                                             Alberich  

      

Answer 5

My Great Great Great Great Great Aunt Gertrude was Vamp de Camp for comte de Rochambeau at Dobbs Ferry, in July of 1781...hehehehe

Answer 6

A vampire would cringe. Soul-less but bloodless too.