"A mother is the one who raises you, not the one who gives birth to you"?

Question

do you agree with this quote?

Answer 1

I honestly think that it's up to each individual to decide who they consider to be their mother and who they don't.

When my best friend from high school was fourteen years old, his mother sat him and his little brother down and told them, "I've never loved you, you were both mistakes," and then she walked out of their lives forever. My friend's dad is an amazing father, but in no way could that make up for the pain that his mother leaving caused him. He started coming around to our house almost every day, and before long he was referring to my mom as "mom."

Now, fifteen years later, he still sends MY mom flowers every Mother's Day, and my parents always send him something special on his birthday.

My friend's "first mom" has gone on to have other children in another marriage, but she has absolutely no contact with him, his brother, or their dad.  According to him, she still refuses to acknowledge that they ever existed, and when he's asked about her, he never refers to her as his "mother."

He considers my mom to be his only mother.

Many of the adoptees who regularly share on here have stated that they have two mothers. I think that's awesome.

One of them (who I highly respect) once wrote that this whole "who's the real mother" discussion was a ridiculous power struggle between adults who should realize that the adoptees have enough love in their hearts for both. I like that point of view a lot.

But, I also know of one adoptee in particular who despises her adoptive parents so much that, since her reunion, she will only refer to her first mom as her mother, and the woman who adopted her no longer exists to her. I think that should be respected.

So, basically, I really think that each person decides for themselves who they feel is their "mother," whether it be first, adoptive, or (ideally) both.  

As someone who only has one mom, I know that I can't fully appreciate the scope of this "who's the mother" question . . . but I certainly don't feel that I could ever tell someone else who to acknowledge as their "mother" in their own lives. A "mother" is the one whom the "mother-ed" chooses to acknowledge as his or her mother.

It's personal.

Answer 2

It depends if the mother that gave birth to you willingly, and or unwillingly gave  you up then yes that is your mom.  If she threw you in  a dumpster hoping you would die or stuffed you in the trash then no she is not your mom she was just an incubator till your mom could raise you

Answer 3

well im a birth mom. and i consider myself my birth childs BIRTH mother.  but Sandy is also his mother.  we are BOTH his mom.  its not an either/or situation

Answer 4

No I don't agree with this quote. My son has two moms. He always will. Someday the mom that gave birth to him will have a more active role in his life when he seeks her out. It is my job as mom to get him to that point as healthy and emotionally stable as I can. And when he finds her he will STILL have two moms.

Answer 5

no,

i dont.

i call my adoptive mother mom,

but my only really mother is my birth mom.

Answer 6

Ummm, no there are all kinds of mothers.  I am a Mommy, my son also has a natural Mother, a foster mother, a grand mother and a great grand mother.

To me, a PARENT is the one who raises you.

Answer 7

Nope.

I have one mother who gave birth to me and one who raised me until I was 14, another who raised me from 15 to 17, when I left home, and one more who took me and my son in when I was 18 who I lived on and off until I was 21. Only one is genetically linked to me, she is by far the most important, but they are all mothers to me.

Answer 8

Sorry, to those who haven't experience labor...but until you go through labor yourself, you really aren't qualified to answer this question!  If carrying a baby inside your body, going through labor & delivery doesn't make you a mom, than NO woman is ever a mom!  

To say a woman isn't a mom after giving birth - that that alone isn't "enough" is just a bunch of horse $#1+!  SERIOUSLY!!

Yes, being there to kiss the knee scrapes, waking up in the middle of the night, wiping your child's feverish brow with a damp wash cloth, teaching them to ride a bike, to dance, to sing, to say their prayers, worrying when your teens comes home late, etc., all make a parent, too.

For those who so fervently push that women who relinquish are "wonderful" for choosing a "better life" for their child...well, h**l, doesn't that also fit what a mother does?  What she believes is best for her child?  Why the #ell does anyone feel the need to diminish women who've gone through the pain of childbirth and then go through a lifetime of emotional pain - wondering if she made the right choice, wondering if her child is well, loved, happy - why does anyone need to reduce these women to "breeders" or "vessels" or some other such c**p?  To strip them of the title "mom"?  

I have two moms. One who was forced to let me go by DSS b/c she was a divorced, poor working mom raising me alone. And the other one who (reluctantly) raised me, and "unadopted" me 2 days after my dad died.  All she did raising me couldn't "make her" be a mother to me b/c she didn't feel it in her heart.  

A nanny raises a child....doesn't make her the child's parent, though, does it?

Answer 9

I was adopted and have met the woman who gave birth to me. She is no more my mom than the woman at the local discount store. She had no hand in raising me or anything. She lives only 25 minutes from here and I have never had any desire to go visit or introduce my children to her. I only met her at the reguest of a 1/2 sibling. She was mearly an egg donor in my eyes. I guess its like growing up without something in your life, you dont miss it if you never had it. My mom was the one who raised me, gave me love and support and guidance, morals and stability. Thats a mom.

Answer 10

It's just psychobabble.  Stop watching Dr. Phil.

Answer 11

I would say both like a mother who give birth to you and a mother who can't give birth to you; they both are MOTHER.

Answer 12

Yes and No.  I think it is about semantics really.  Once a mother always a mother, so if you give birth and make the parenting choice to place your baby for adoption you are a mother.  However, you are not the parent after the adoption takes place the adoptive mother is the parent OR the mother.

Answer 13

Disagree

My MOTHER fed me from her umbilical cord for nine months, I heard her talking, lived inside her warmth for 9 months. She went through labor for me. she wanted me. Other people took me away, I didn't realise it was for the "best", all I knew was I was losing the only person I ever knew, the person I had been a part of for 9 months. I feel my mothers love every day. She writes me letters, she is desperate to see me, she goes through h**l every time my birthday comes up. She is mentally ill and would rely on me heavily once she met me so it is a big decision for me to meet her. She is my mother.

I adopted into a home that abused me, theres weren't my parents and the guy who beat me definately wasn't my father. my father was the one who gave me life even if he wasn't around afterwards. This man didn't give me a life.

I was fostered and the foster "mum" was a caring woman and I connected with her, so yes she was a mum (not a mother). She took care of me and I loved her.

I was then adopted out again. These two people are my mum and dad but not my mother and father. They have cared for me given me love, sent me to school etc etc. I don't consider them my true mother and father. I cant call them mother or father i call them dad or mum which in my mind is slightly different. I called teachers mum sometimes, it;s a name you use for somone who takes care for you and looks out for you. but not the mother or father that brought you into the world and you feel tied to.

Answer 14

No.  

Here are the definitions of the word mother from Answers.com.   I concur with them.  I see no need for black and white, either/or, exclusive thinking in this matter.

Mother:

         1. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

         2. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

         3. A woman who adopts a child.

         4. A woman who raises a child.

   2. A female parent of an animal.

   3. A female ancestor.

   4. A woman who holds a position of authority or responsibility similar to that of a mother: a den mother.

   5. Roman Catholic Church.

         1. A mother superior.

         2. Used as a form of address for such a woman.

   6. A woman who creates, originates, or founds something: “the discovery of radium, which made Marie Curie mother to the Atomic Age” (Alden Whitman).

   7. A creative source; an origin: Philosophy is the mother of the sciences.

   8. Used as a title for a woman respected for her wisdom and age.

   9. Maternal love and tenderness: brought out the mother in her.

  10. The biggest or most significant example of its kind: the mother of all battles.

  11. Vulgar Slang. Something considered extraordinary, as in disagreeableness, size, or intensity.

adj.

   1. Relating to or being mother.

   2. Characteristic of a mother: mother love.

   3. Being the source or origin: the mother church.

   4. Derived from or as if from one's mother; native: one's mother language.

v., -ered, -er·ing, -ers.

v.tr.

   1. To give birth to; create and produce.

   2. To watch over, nourish, and protect maternally.

v.intr.

To act or serve as a mother.

Answer 15

My mother gave birth to me.

I have two mothers and love them both to bits.

Answer 16

no, cause if a person is not your mother, she can't give birth to you. but if for some reason the person doesn't have a mother.. then there are realitves or other people to raise you.

Answer 17

i do but at the same time i dont...

my bestfriends mom was 15 when she had him... she did the best she could but she just couldent handle it all so she let connie his aunt ( who couldnet have kids)take him in and raise him as there own..  she didnt let him know that they adopted him untell around his 12 b-day... now he goes and sees his real mom every summer for about a month..  so i would say they are both mothers...

but if the woman just gives her child up then the one who rasies would be the mother...

Answer 18

Mother is not a title that is awarded by biology or by occupation.

Hear me out before anyone is too quick with the thumbs!! lol

Mother is a title that is given in love.

There are those who are raised by HORRIBLE adoptive mothers and will never see her as their mum.

There are those who have been cruely dumped on by selfish birth mothers and they too will never be honoured with the title of Mother.

YET

There are adoptive mums who have loved and loved and loved and their kids love and love in return...they will always be 'mother'.

AND

There are birth mothers who for their own reasons chose adoption as a route for their child...they never forget and their loving sacrifice is nearly always rewarded by their child one day when hopefully they meet and the child calls her mother....

You know - you can't say that only adoptive mums are 'real' mums....and at the same time you can't even say that ALL birth mothers are the 'real' mother either....If you want to know who the mother is.....wait till the child is about 35 and ask him/her....he/she will know for sure.

We do not compete for the title....

Answer 19

No I do not.

I am an adoptive mom and I believe that ALL mothers should be kinder to each other. Women/mothers are very territorial and like to stake their claim because deep down they probably don't feel like a "real" mother and that hurts.

If you give birth you ARE a mom. If you adopt you ARE a mom. Even if you have never given birth or even adopted, but you are in fact raising a child then you ARE a mom.

Answer 20

No, of course I don't agree. Both are mothers. Our daughter knows she has 3 mothers/moms (and fathers/dads too, of course) -- a first mom one whose genetic and ancestral heritage she shares, whose blood flows through her veins, who carried and nurtured her in her womb for 9 months and yes, who gave birth to her;  

a second mom who raised her from about 5 weeks old until 14 months, who brought out her first smile and first laugh, who held her and walked around when she cried, who taught her to like different foods, who opened her home and her heart to her and taught her what love means;  

and me, her third mom. How could I possibly deny the other two?

And most of the time the one that raises you and the one that gives birth are the same person, so the quote is silly on its face.

It sounds like one of those smarmy quotes from an adoption agency or a really defensive a-parent. If an agency, they should be shut down. It an a-parent, I hope they get educated and healed soon, for their child's sake.

Answer 21

No. If a mother can love more than one child, why can't the child love more than one mother (or father)?

I have four parents, two are biologically related to me, two are not. I have very different relationships with each of them but they are still my parents and that can never change.

Answer 22

I miscarried four babies - so I wasn't lucky enough to have had the opportunity to raise them - but I was most definitely their mother.

Answer 23

Sounds like a direct quote from Sterile Meryl.

Answer 24

Only if we can change a child's biology,history and culture.

In adoption today, it should be about whats "healthiest" for a child and not whats going to make an a-parent feel better about themselves. As long as child is not being confused with the reality of the term by a-parents, children should  use the term "mother" anyway they feel it benefits them.

I glad to not be reading delusional posts on here that waiting for a baby to placed and all the paperwork is equivalent to carrying a child for months and losing a piece of your heart/soul. I've read enough of that on support for adopting parent sites.

Answer 25

sure. the same can be said about fathers (well, sort of, minus the give birth part). Shared genetic ancestry does not make you a family if you do not love or care for each other.

My husband has a bio dad, but he is not a part of his life, and will not be a part of our children's lives. He also has a strong male mentor who has helped him grow into the wonderful husband and father he is today, he happily called him "dad" and the kids call him "pop".

Answer 26

There are as many definitions of mother as there are mothers.

There was one woman that gave birth to me, my mother. She died 10 days after I was born.

One woman that adopted me for 3 years, then gave me back when she had her own children. Cared for me yes, but not too motherly.

One woman that adopted me for 10 years, then threw me out when I needed her because she didn't want me 'infecting'  her real daughter with my 'evil'. Don't you just love christians lol

By any definition they are all mothers, but that doesn't mean the rest  of them aren't.

The woman I think of as a mother is now my MIL. She is a womderful woman, she cares about me and has accepted me into the family.

A mother is a mother.... whoever that/they are to you.

Answer 27

Can't both of them be mothers?  Must it be an "either, or" situation?

Answer 28

No I am not agree with this.

Both are mothers.  Motherliness is in nature of every woman. if someone gives birth to u she suffers discomfort and pain in this process and the one which raises u also suffers the same.

Both love the child.

So it is not fair to chose one of them as the mother and deprive the other from this honor.

Answer 29

My mother is my mom.  She is the one I called for when I was happy or hurt.  My BirthM, the woman who cared me for 9 months was a great lady, and a pregnant mom, but once I was born I went to my mother.  My birthM never changed my diapers, never feed me a bottle, she was able to hold me, but in my heart my mom is my mother.  She was there when I learned to walk, she taught me to dance, played dolls with me, laughed and cried with me.  I will always be greatful to my BirthM, but I do not have the strong feelings for her that I have for my mother.

Answer 30

No.  Adoptive parents have to be recognized as actual parents.  However, to say that a "biological mother" was merely a birthing vessel is atrocious.  In fact, with surrogate mothers (women who have children for other women who cannot), there are often legal actions taken to decide who gets the child if the surrogate cannot part with him/her.  Mothers bond with their child during pregnancy in an intimate way, and yeah, I won't pretend to know what it's like but you don't have to take my word for it.  Women bond with their children during pregnancy in a biological way that must mean something.  If not, we wouldn't have this body of family law developed to sort these matters out because it's not so clear cut.

Answer 31

Both CAN be mothers.

Let's face it, almost all women can give birth.  Many do so without caring for the child.  Many babies are born addicted to drugs, are abandoned, etc.

There are also women that 'raise' children that are not real mothers. Abuse and neglect do not make one a mother.

I really wish all of us could get past the semantics.  Can a child have too many people that love them?  Why would I want to keep her from someone who created her and loves her?  I'd say that would be selfish, but I don't see what I would have to gain by it.  It's just crazy.

Truthfully, I'm my daughter's Mom.  I have earned that title.  Her first mother hasn't been around as much as I'd like, nor has she spent any time 'mothering' her.  She does however deserve the term mother as a respectful title.