"Birth" Parent Privacy????

Question

In my support group I attend, some of the natural mothers relinquished ten, twenty years ago. They feel that their children have no right to look for them since they have moved on to marry or have other children. They want their privacy, and have actively pursued keeping records closed. I told them that it was not their right to keep their children away like a dirty secret. Our children have a right to know where they came from. Signing those relinquishment papers stripped us of any rights to "privacy", IMO. Many have gone on to say that it wouldn't be fair to their husbands or other children to know they had another kid floating around somewhere. Well, how is it fair to your child when they find out you are treating them like a dirty secret best left undiscovered? How about honesty? How about telling husbands and children about the lost child before hand? We have no right to keep our children from their heritage. But they stand firm in their belief that they deserve privacy

Answer 1

Crime victims, people who have been stalked, raped, and had people try to kill them don't get privacy.

So some weak, shameful woman deserves 'privacy' because she is fearful of acting like an adult, and facing her grown child?  I think not.  This woman's secrets do NOT outweigh unlocking the key to her child's history and identity.

Very selfish.

Answer 2

How do we make the leap from "privacy" to a child being a "dirty little secret"?  This is the kind of language and attitude that hurts people.

Let me just ask, if birthmothers who request it are not given the assurance of privacy, what do you think might happen?  

Reforms need to be made to assure ALL persons of complete medical history -- but even when it is required, as it is by states now, we sometimes get scanty history because birthmothers do not always know their history.  And since the majority of birthfathers are classified as "unknown" or are not locatable, what do we do about their medical history?

I do not feel that it is right for an adoptee to go to the family of their birthmother unless it is a life and death issue.  Go to the birthmother for that info.  

I don't know why we keep having the same expectations of an adoption as a non adoption.   There are differences.  We have to start there.  Fair, unfair, right, wrong, black or white.  

I want my medical history, but cannot get it.  I want that for my sons, but can get it for one and not the other.  I gave what I had to my daughter.  It is what it is.  It is not perfect, but adoption does not always grow out of a perfect situation.  

We must work diligently to secure all the information we can for our children while we can.  Then we will have it and can share that with them when it is needed and wanted.

But not being able to tell a birthmother who requires it that her decision will be private?  Scary.

Answer 3

That is the whole reason I didn't choose adoption.

If I gave up that child to another family to be theirs... that child is THEIRS.  I didn't want a knock at my door 18 years later.

The whole purpose is to give that child what I couldn't... not to have me hunted down later in life like I was some horrible person.

It isn't a dirty secret, but it is a violation of privacy to demand a reunion.  If I were nice enough to choose life.. that should be gift enough... know you were loved enough that I gave you up.  Don't hunt me down.

THUMBS DOWN ME?  I am talking from the eyes of a pregnant 17 year old.  One that knew for d**n sure that if I gave up the baby  I would never be able to do anything with my life without looking over my shoulders wondering when I would get that tap and someone saying MOM.  I am NOT your mom, the person who raised you is your MOM...

BTW I did not abort... I kept my daughter and have delt with the road I made.  

The whole adoption thing... I thought about it so long. I wanted to give my daughter to a loving family and have a closed adoption... thing is, in this day and age there seems to be no such thing. Instead of waiting for that tap... she is already here with me.  

I do look at my life and wonder what it would have been like to have spred my wings a little more, but I did what I had to do.

ETA AGAIN... WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO DISRUPT THE LIFE OF SOMEONE WHO GAVE YOU LIFE?  She could have very well aborted you. The whole reason people choose adoption is to give that child something they couldnt give them in the first place AND when that baby is given up the mom is coached to MOVE ON  AND LIVE LIFE... they are encouraged to MOV ON ... not to think about the baby they gave up.   I went through the counseling... I KNOW.

Answer 4

Of course they have the "right".  Every individual has the right to make their own choices, whether we agree with them or not.    They gave the child up for adoption.  They chose that.

They choose not to think of it again.  Yes, of course they have the right.

You on the other hand do not have the right to interfere with someone else's family, and probably disrupt their life, because of YOUR choices.

It was not a "lost" child, if that was the case then it would be a different story.  A "lost" child would be welcomed by the original parent/s because they had nothing to do with their being lost in the first place.

Adoption was a choice.  They choose adoption for different reasons.   If they have chosen to keep their past away from their NOW family, they have every right to do so.

You must have had a really rough time with your adopted family, otherwise you would not feel this way.  I am sad for you, because you did not have the life that you should have had.  This happens in some adoptions but in the majority, the adoptee is completely happy and at peace with his/her life and they do not choose to even think about the person who gave them away.  When you have parents who love you, care for you and are true parents, the children do not even care to connect with their past.

I have five adopted children (from birth) and one pregnancy,

My six children loved each other, a lot, love each other now and we are lucky to have a United Nations (all different ethnic backgrounds),    Not once have any of them said to me ":I want to find my "real" mother".  You know why, because I was and still am their "real" mother.  We are a united, loving, caring family who would do anything for each other, because we love each other and always have.

The person who gives a baby up for adoption, has the right, if they so choose, to not want that child to turn up further down the road.  

My dear - heritage, to this family, means nothing.  Blood means nothing.  It is the unconditional love, caring and sharing that make a family a family.   Heritage means nothing to those who are living in the present and are happy with their lives.

You are hurting, I can tell, I am sorry for that.  But please realize that everyone has choices, and we must respect them and not force our needs on someone who has chosen to not live in the past.

I wish you love and peace.

ADDED NOTE - I really do appreciate your thinking, and you have every right to choose to think that way. However, what you believe is not what others believe, and if the woman who gave her child up for adoption (and chose not to abort) wants to keep her new life private, she has every right to do so. We all have the right to make choices for ourselves, the same in religion.  Some choose to belong to organized religion others don't.  They have right to make their own choices.

"Mama has rights she hasn;t dealt with".  Who is to say that she has NOT dealt with them.  Because she has chosen differently than you have, does not mean that she is wrong and you are right.  In her mind she HAS resolved the situation. You have chosen NOT to have an issue if THE child searches for you. Great, that is your choice. But to me your choice of words is incorrect.  If you GAVE a child up for adoption, it is NOT YOUR child.The right to use that word, is  the right of the Real parent, the one who love, cares, protects, in sickness and in health.  It is THEIR child.  I have six children, my children, five adopted from birth and one pregnancy, I love them all the same, and all of them are MY children.  You see, my opinions are different than yours that doesn't make me right and you wrong, or you right and me wrong.  Allow others their freedom to make their own choices.

Answer 5

I don't think it will surprise anyone that I'm going to jump in here and answer this question.  I have been defending birthparents' right to privacy for some time, now, so, those with issues go ahead and punch the "thumbs down" NOW--lol.

First, I want to dispute the claims that the privacy rights of birthparents are just a myth.  Actually, it is the adoptees claims that they have a right to know, the right to their Original Birth Certificate, or the right to ANYTHING associated to identification of the birthparents... IS THE MYTH.  Rights are granted by LAW, not just taken or claimed.  If you had these rights, you would be able to KNOW, to have your OBC, etc.  You can SAY that you THINK you should have these rights but you can't make statements that you HAVE these rights--because you DON'T--at least not under the law unless you live in one of those states which have given you those rights.  

That being said, the birthmother who chooses a closed adoption has the right to privacy under the law.  After she has made the decision for adoption, the next choice she has to make is for an OPEN or CLOSED adoption.  If she chooses OPEN, then YOU have the rights you claim.  IF she chooses CLOSED adoption, she is granted the right to privacy--privacy for herself and that she will give privacy to the child/adoptive family.  The right to privacy is the VERY NATURE OF CLOSED ADOPTION.  THAT'S WHAT IT IS!!  

The next issue is short and sweet.  LIFE IS NOT FAIR. We just have to deal with that.  That's life.

Next, I want to deal with "the dirty litttle secrets" statements.  Who here has told their spouses, parents, their families, their children everything you've ever done.  Everyone has secrets, and if you say you don't, well, that's just another lie.

LaurieDB, you continue to make a lot of statements without siting a single bit of research.  For instance, I've read that less than 3% of adoptees actually search for their birthparents but, you see, without reseach and references to back that up--not just something printed on somebody's webpage--those numbers mean nothing.  

Tish......."Stepford Wives"?????  Give me a break..

lilpurpledog, Inquiringmind, Adoption is A-OK, JediMaster, Maureen S, Joslin--thanks for speaking out on this issue.  You guys ROCK.  Very well said.

Answer 6

Do you mean that these women are in an adoption related support group? If so, I find it very strange that they would be sneaking off to a support group to talk about the pain of losing a child to adoption, but insisting that they don't want their adult child in their lives. If this is the case, they obviously haven't "moved on" with their lives.

In any case, I agree with you. Our children have a right to know about their first families, their genetic and familial heritage. I can't imagine how a woman (or man) could close the door on a son or daughter that they don't even know. It's like pretending that a part of you doesn't exist.

Lilpurpledog: “they are encouraged to MOV ON ... not to think about the baby they gave up. I went through the counseling... I KNOW.”

That sounds like typical adoption agency counseling. What they don’t tell you is that many women can’t just move on and forget their child. Women are encouraged to forget one of the most awesome events in their lives – giving birth – bringing a son or daughter into the world. And, I like many women didn’t talk about my child because 1) nobody wanted to hear about it 2) I thought I COULD move on if I didn’t talk about my son. Denial was a sort of self-preservation – it was the only way I knew of to deal with my loss; turns out to be a failed coping strategy!

I think a lot of women go through this and continue to build on the faulty foundation of denial by lying (often through omission) to husbands and subsequent children. I don’t think lies are healthy for anyone, I can only hope that every woman who paints herself into a corner this way can find the strength to be there for her adult children if and when they need her.

Signing termination of parental rights is just that, you lose parental rights, but it doesn’t mean that you have no moral/ethical responsibility to your son or daughter who may want to know his/her history, or need to know genetic/medical history. You may have signed a TPR but by bringing a child into this world you became a mother, not an anonymous donor.

I’m also surprised that a lot of women are clinging to this “right to privacy” since so many of the mothers I’ve heard from were NEVER promised, nor requested that they remain anonymous. The right to anonymity in adoption is non-existent.

Unfortunately, I think a lot of this comes down to women not understanding the full implications of what it means to surrender a child.

Having my son back in my life is one of the most wonderful aspects of my life. I’m looking forward to sharing parts of who I am in the hopes that it will give him peace of mind and a better understanding of who he is.

I hope these women dare to open their hearts.

ETA: Wow, Maureen, you feeling a little bit possessive?

ETA: School Nurse you are sooooo wrong. My son's adoption was a closed adoption. I guess that meant that I had some kind of privacy (not that I ever asked for it). When my son turned 21 his parents found me - come to find out they had my name and my parents names since day one. They told my son my name - heck, what if he really didn't want to know? They did a background check on my son's father - guess they had his name too!!! So what laws are protecting whose privacy??? You're way off base.

Answer 7

I am adopted- almost 50 years ago, and I also have 2 adopted children- age 19 and almost 16.  With my adoption, I have not search for my birth family for this very reason-  I love my birth mom for choosing life for me, and I have no regrets as an adoptee- however if my birth mom wanted to search for me, that would be fine- I would not want to disrupt her life.  Regarding my 2 children- my daughter , at this time, has no desire to search-  my son's birth mom and a sister, actually sought him out.   I have never, or my kids never, have felt like a dirty little secret- When we adopted our 2 children- our son's birth mom made it very clear that she would like to stay in touch, and met him when he turned 18-  our daughter's birth mom did not want to meet her- and our daughter is absolutely fine with that.  We love our birth mom's but we respect them as well.

Answer 8

Well, that's a hard one. People tend to get obsessive about these things and they may have had issues with it before-hand. The long lost children could be harrassing them. However, trying to make it impossible to be reached because you just don't want to deal with it is wrong. They should be telling their family of their past life and what was in it. It's a touchy issue and each case should be treated differently.

Answer 9

I"m all for privacy for all individuals touched by adoption.  Birthparents violate privacy rights by hunting down adoptees as well.  

I do think birthparents have the right to go on with their lives; I disagree that finding names on a piece of paper or wreaking havoc on someone else's life to better your own self perception.  I believe that whether or not privacy was guaranteed by the adoption agency, one has the right to not keep looking over her shoulder; to heal and go on with her life (not all birthmothers are in denial just because they chose to give their children up considering their circumstances at that time in their lives).

I don't think my life was detrimentally affected by not knowing names on a piece of paper; by not speaking spanish, etc.  not a big deal; my life was enriched by parents not detrimentally affected by my birthparents.

anyone deserves privacy if they choose not to be involved in reunion; however, some adoptees believe it is their 'right' to keep intruding on someone and demand all the gory little facts surrounding their conception, birth and relinquishment.  They become so focused in this desire that they forget about the very person they are stalking.  That they have feelings, too.  That they should not be forced onto a family.  If a woman chooses not to tell her current family about the adoptee, that's her right and adoptees should respect that.  They were/are a secret and it's the birthparent's choice to maintain that secret if they wish.  a friend of mine has herpes -- is it up to me to go to her new boyfriend and tell him or is it between those two?  it's like that -- it's not up to me.  it's between them to handle it as they see fit.

and i disagree with the statement that all birthparents are weak and shameful.  I think that's insulting.

Answer 10

I think you are being EXTREMELY judgmental and insensitive here!

What about the rights of the birthmother/birthparent?

There's a LOT of factors as to why they may be wanting to keep the records sealed.  Did you ever stop to consider the possibility that maybe those women want to keep the record sealed because the pregnancy might have been the result of a rape or incest...and  it might have happened pre Roe V Wade so abortion was NOT an option?

I suppose you're probably against abortion too. Sounds to me like you'd ban adoption as well and force ALL women to be barefoot, pregnant and under subjection to men! :(

Yes, the reluctance to disclose could be the fear that the adult child will "hate" them because the mother gave them up or because others will judge them for their allegedly "lurid" past that you so self-righteously imply that all birthmothers have...call it irrational but it's a very real fear...because the child and family might be as judgemental and unforgiving as you are being in your statements!

Whatever the reason, I wonder who are YOU or anyone else to impose on these women like that?  HOW DARE YOU judge them so harshly? Why should everyone's life be an open book just because you say so?

Not every pregnancy is a "blessed event" you know...

My story? I chose adoption because I became pregnant after a failed tubal ligation (one out of every 1000 fail), I already had a 2 year old child, was trying to finish college, AND my marriage was an extremely unstable one! In fact, my then-husband was very angry that I didn't abort...and he walked out on me in the 7th month! There I was penniless, thousands of miles from family and friends,  depressed and nearly suicidal.  If it wasn't for the people at my church suggesting adoption, I don't know what I would've done.  

As it turned out, the marriage did go on turbulently for 3 more years until he walked out for good...and in the end I STILL think adoption was the better choice rather than becoming a struggling single parent of TWO children...one which was definitely NOT wanted at the time! Do you HONESTLY think it would be better if I had kept the child and then their lives might have been a misery? You can't force someone to feel maternal love that doesn't exist! It's not a pleasant fact, but a fact just the same. Not all families are like those warm and loving "perfect" TV families like the Waltons or something.

Now, it's one thing if the birth mother or father CHOOSES to be found like in the case of singer Joni Mitchell and her daughter, but I am AGAINST the forcing of birth parents to have to submit to unwanted reunifications or visitations because of open records. These women were promised privacy YEARS ago and it's like the PTB are reneging on those promises and subsequently ruining lives! Sometimes those re-unifications do not wind up happily ever after as Joni Mitchell sadly found out.

What about the adoptive parents who might resent the idea of a birthmother/father imposing on their families and then alienating their adopted child from them? Did you ever consider that? I know of a case where a family was "re-unified" and the birthmother told the daughter...it's either "them" or "me."  Now how fair is that?

I understand the plight of adoptees (as I never knew my father and my mother REFUSED to discuss him), but I side with the birthparents in this case.

Go ahead and thumbs down me...it's my opinion and I have a right to it!!!

Answer 11

If I could wrap my arms around you and hug you I would. YOU GET IT.

Just because a woman doesn't want to tell her secret doesn't mean I should be kept from my ancestry. Yeah, secrets especially when painful are hard, but it shouldn't keep me from my civil right.

There is NO law promising them secrecy. NONE.

Answer 12

Look at all the people who "love" adoptees, but spew hate about adoptees all the same.  

Can anyone provide one single piece of legal documentation PROVING a right to anonymity for first parents?  

No one has yet been able to prove this.  

There are so many ignorant hateful people here spewing all over the adoptees they claim to love.  You may have a right to your hateful opinions.  But your hateful opinions are not the law.  God save us if your idea of civil rights ever gets written into the Constitution.  "Separate and unequal."  That is the motto of all who deny adoptees their CIVIL AND HUMAN RIGHTS TO THEIR PAST.  

Hate me all you want.  Thumb me down all you want.  But it's people like you that fought for segregation for years.  You will lose.  And I will be glad for the day.  Spread your lies to preserve your privileged position.  Your brand of discrimination is disgusting.

Answer 13

If you have s*x and have a baby and choose adoption, then you DO NOT have a right to complete privacy.  It is one thing to decide you dont want an onoing relationship where you see the child frequently, but to disappear off of the planet is NOT in the best interest of the child.  

The only exception that I struggle with is what to do in the case of rape.  I can understand that a woman would want to put that behind her.  But what about the child?  What is fair in that instance?  Maybe there can be no "fair" or "justice" in that instance beacuse the act of rape is neither of these things.

APs hear all the time that this is an act of love and if you face the music to what you have done, then most definitley it is.  When you run and hide and deny your child's needs, come on, how loving is that?!

Answer 14

There is a rate of 1% of natural mothers who feel this way, so they are out there.  But, what they call "privacy" is actually anonymity.  They have all of the very same privacy rights as anyone else in our society in which we have free association.

What's interesting is that they have a much better chance of not being contacted if open records exist?  How can that be, you ask?  Well, reunions happen all of the time under the closed records system.  First parents cannot let their feeling known prior to the adopted person finding them.  However, in states that have reopened records, natural parents can file a "contact preference form" that is released to the adopted person along with the birth record.  A recent report in Oregon (featured in the Oregonian newspaper,) where records reopened 10 years ago, there were 88 total contract preference forms filed requesting no contact.  Approximately 8,500 OBC's have been requested.  There have been no reports of contact made by the adoptee to a natural parent who requested no contact.  Let's face it, no one wants to walk into a situation where they completely know s/he will be rejected.  But, if the adoptee doesn't have any knowledge of what the outcome will be, s/he is much more likely to make contact.

As far as birth parent anonymity goes, there is no such right under the law.  Adoption law itself negates the existence of such a right.  Here is why:

1. It is highly notable that records only seal upon the finalization of an adoption. They only stay sealed if an adoption remains intact. They do not seal upon relinquishment, are not sealed while the child is in foster care and are not sealed while the child is in an adoptive placement that is not yet finalized by the court. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

2. If an adoption fails, i.e. the adoptive parents "return" the child, the original birth record with the natural parents' names on it, is unsealed and re-established as the child's only legal birth certificate. How does this protect the natural parents' anonymity? Incidentally, I'm sad to say that there have been stories in the papers lately about failed adoptions occurring.

3. Adult adopted citizens in states with sealed records can gain access to their birth records as long as they petition the court and get a court order. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

4. No one has ever been able to bring forth a relinquishment document that promises anonymity. Even the greatest opponents of open records, such as the National Council For Adoption, has ever been unable to produce such a document.

5. In some states with sealed records, it is the prerogative of the adoptive parents or the adoptee (if old enough to state a desire) as to whether or not the original birth certificate is sealed. The natural parents have no say. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

Hence, there is no guarantee of anonymity or confidentiality, nor can such be promised under the law as written.

This is an issue of an entire group of citizens, adopted adults, being barred from a right non-adopted citizens have. Unequal treatment under the law is discrimination by the state holding the records. This discrimination turns access to one's own birth record from a right to a privilege, based solely on the adoptive status of a person, a condition over which the adopted person had no say or control. No other citizens but adopted adults are expected to grovel before a judge or ask someone else's permission in order to obtain access to their own birth records. This places adopted citizens in a position of being considered suspect and placed in a secondary class compared to non-adopted citizens.

At one point in history, no one was denied the right to his or her own birth record, adopted or not adopted. The sealing of these records began in the 1930's to hide the shame of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and infertility. Sealing records was also a means allowing adoptive parents privacy from birth parents. Some states did not seal records until much later, while some states, Alaska and Kansas, never sealed records.  Currently, 4 other states allow all adoptees unconditional right to their own birth records.  Some other states, like Ohio and Tennessee, allow a large number of adoptees this right.  In other states, all adoptees' birth records can be accessed only by meeting certain conditions.

eta:

You can thumb this down, but it's the law.

For Jedi, if the person has truly healed, there is no wound to reopen.  I know two women whose pregnancies came from rape.  Both searched with hopes of reuniting with their children and were successful.

eta:

JOSLIN:

Firstly, how are you going to tell a first parent they have this anonymity when adoption law itself guarantees that they DON'T have it?  Will you just lie to them?

Secondly, freedom of association applies to ALL people.  People separated by adoption are not denied this under the law.  Perhaps, however, you'd like to add more discrimination to adoption than already exists.

Thirdly, in the 10 years since Oregon re-opened records to adult adoptees, abortions have gone DOWN, and adoptions have gone UP.  That's right.  How do you explain that with the "concern" you are implying?  

For someone who works in the adoption field, you sure don't know the law, nor do you understand the ethics of equal treatment under the law.  Equal -- no more, no less.

Answer 15

The incredibly small minority of mothers who feel this way have every right to say no to a relationship, of course - they have the same rights of privacy as the rest of us have.  No more, no less.

But they have no right to advocate that another human being's genetic history is locked away from them forever.  No right to annonymity exists except if you are in the witness protection program

Denying adoptees access to their own information is DISCRIMINATION!

Wanting to know ones heritage and the truth of ones origins, something everyone else takes for granted,  is in no way greedy as someone has suggested here - how ridiculous is that?!!!

ETA: Alisa, searching adoptees are NOT stalkers - your contention that they are is an unacceptable insult on a whole host of people who are doing nothing illegal.   You  have something called 'freedom of association' in the USA, do you not?  The land of the free - that's laughable, actually, now that I think about it

ETA: kudos to Laurie DB  for a wonderful answer.  When will people hear us for gods sakes - we ARE adoption but where are our rights?  where are 'the best interests of the child' for pity's sakes ppffftt!

Joslin:  Who is telling mothers they have annonymity from their own children?  If that were true there would be many many law suits against adoption professionals for false promises made when relatives find each other; which they do - closed records or not, people find each other, that's not illegal.  Everyone deserves the same and equal rights to privacy and if you don't want contact with someone, you say 'NO'!  Adult adoptees are asking for equal rights to OUR birth records, we are not demanding or forcing relationships upon anyone, don't you see.  Isn't adoption in the best interest of the child, as adults we are saying what is in our best interests and people still want to control our lives and rights

You contradict your other 'adoption comparable with birthing' answers with this little gem too:

QUOTE"I don't know why we keep having the same expectations of an adoption as a non adoption. There are differences. We have to start there. Fair, unfair, right, wrong, black or white."

So which is it?  the same or different.  or the same when it suits you and different when it suits you . . . .

Answer 16

Okay...so...let's say your in my friends position here.  

When she was 14, she was raped by her father, who forced her to have a baby, a baby she didn't want to keep.  After the baby is born, the truth came out.  He's still in prison.

Her and her mom put the baby up for adoption, find a really nice family and then closed that part of their lives, never wanting to see her father again.

Time passes, he's still in jail, my friend moves on with her life.  Marries, has a couple kids with a wonderful man, heals from what her dad did.  Her husband knows the truth, and he doesn't want the kid in his life either, knowing the pain it would cause his wife.

She wants NOTHING to do with the child she gave up.  Not because she doesn't love the kid, but because the kid would represent the horrid things her father did to her.  She doesn't want that reminder back in her life.

Meeting and making contact with the baby she gave up would rip open wounds that have long since healed.

She's all for providing medical information, but she's also for the rights of the parents who gave their kids up.  Some of them don't EVER want to be found, because their kids were conceived through ill gotten affairs, incest, a moment of indiscretion.  Having that child walk back into their lives would tear open healed wounds and bring skeletons out of the closet that are best kept hidden.

Answer 17

I feel sorry for these women and their "new" families.  Not only are they shortchanging themselves, but they are also denying their other children the right to know their sibling.

This myth of "privacy rights" is just that...a myth.  Giving birth and giving a child up does not give anyone any more of a right to privacy than it does the next person.  Hey...I've put my name on the "do not call" registry, but I still get hassled from telemarketers...where are my privacy rights?  The fact is, there just AREN'T any universal "rights" to privacy.

Adoptees had no say in their relinquishment.  We neither asked for this nor did we agree to any of it.  Where are OUR rights?

If these women are afraid of the child they gave away will come a'knocking, then they'd better just 'fess up.  The truth shall set you free...

ETA JediMaster:  While I empathize with your friend, it's still not the child's fault.  The child didn't do this to his/her mother, and the child is not the one to blame.  What you are saying is that we should punish the innocent for crimes they had no part in?  Really...is that what we should do?  Your friend needs to realize that the rapist is the one responsible, not the child.  The child is just as much a victim as she is, and deserves to know the TRUTH as well.  Oh and this child is NOT a "skeleton in the closet"...he or she is a HUMAN BEING..complete with feelings, emotions, and HUMAN RIGHTS just like YOU.

Answer 18

I put my daughter up for adoption in 1972. I made the decision I made all by myself and for my own reasons. What i don't like is people speaking for me when I have not asked them to. I answered the other question but it was taken down before I could post.

lilpurple who ever you are: Please do not speak for me. I didn't ask you to. You will never know what it has been like because you made a good choice. As for your counseling, you need a different therapist. The one from the agency is biased. Who in their right mind would tell some one they are selfish for keeping their own child? A counselor from an agency that's who.

Women are not told about the heritage loss these children will feel, the medical information they are going to need, the feeling of fitting in they do not share with other kids. No agency is going to tell you that. That's why so many women think its okay to shut them selves away. Its what they have been told to do. They don't realize the damage they are doing to another human being or thmselves. Obviously I have athority issues, I never believed them, I had my own reasons and was willing to suffer the consequences. Tell them how liberating it is to finally have that out in the open. It's a good 100lbs. off your back. It's unfinished business and it haunts you whether you admit it or not. This is the 21st century and their husbands and kids probably won't react like the agency said they would.

Jedi: I too was raped repetedly by more than just my father. My daughter however is not a product of that situation. Your friend is not healed,she has simply moved on. That is not something you heal from. You said it your self, (I'ts not that she doesn't love her) She can refuse to have a relationship but still give the child what he/she needs to feel whole. It is possible that meeting this person could help to heal her. Those skeletons weigh more than you think. It could be good to be free of them.

Answer 19

I would say that every situation is different and people should do what is best for them.  I don't feel that if you put a child up for adoption that you have to tell other siblings of their existance if there are circumstances surrounding the situation that make you want to keep it a semi private issue... telling your spouse is a must becuase in the event the child looks for you, you would need to know the best possible way to handle it.  I can see many aspects of a situation but I think it is up to each individual to handle it how they see fit.

Answer 20

We lost the right to be hidden and never found when we signed the papers.  What they are doing is so wrong and hurtful to their children.

It is human nature to know how we look like, who we take after, our medical history.

They should know that this, in the long run, could be hurtful and in some cases cause death because they do not have the information that they need to make decisions.

These woman are living in denial and it could just come back and explode in their face and ruin that "family" that they so carefully kept in the dark.

Answer 21

I'm having trouble imaging those type of mothers - the ones who don't want to be found, would be in a support group. They feel they have moved on, and have other children. Why would they attend such meetings, and wouldn't doing so comprimise the secret?

Answer 22

"skeletons in your closet, itching to come outside.."- s. wonder.

no person, IMO has the right to demand that an adult adoptee they relinquished several years ago, not contact them.  

and isn't marriage supposed to be about honesty and disclosure?  

i get nauseous when people try to erase their pasts out of a need to portray some "stepford wife" image.

i agree with you 100%

ETA: school nurse...*yawn*

Answer 23

Well, as a person, put up for adoption, all I have to say is, yes I really wanted to know my biological family. I had 6 brothers and sisters plus parents aunts uncles etc. I wanted to know that they were there, see pictures to see how much we look alike, and know how my parents were. I wasn't a secret to my family though, we had just lost touch. I can honestly understand how some women may have not meant to get pregnant or is not ready for children yet, but they still want their child to have a wonderful life with someone who has more time or money for them. I don't agree that that child should be completely erased from every memory though, and not telling their husband about them. It just seems wrong.

Answer 24

Interesting to hear what goes on in a so-called "support" group for natural mothers. I can see why you're looking for answers from other sources.

The main argument against abortion is that the fetus is already a human being. Yet, once born, if that "human being" is adopted in the US, he or she loses an untold number of basic human rights for their entire lifetime, BY LAW.

Parents can't have it both ways. If you (general you) are responsible for bringing a new life into the world and/or raising that child, you don't get to say your human rights are more important than theirs. That's not being a parent.

Either adoptees are human beings with human rights, or they are chattel. Pick a side, and be consistent.

Kudos to you for realizing that giving birth does not end the connection between biological family members.