"If she loved me and wanted then she would have kept me"?

Question

Is this though common among adoptees who don't search.

I met soneone the other day who told me he didn't want to search for him parent. He said he had do desire to find people who "ditched" him.

I tld him some of the storied I read in "the girls who went away". He said that no matter what the circumstances were behind his mother relnquishing, she had a choice. She may have "chosen" her parents respect, or "an easy life" over raising him.

Adoptees, do you think that this is a common feeling in people who don't want to search? Can anyone relate?

Answer 1

I am a birth-mother (open adoption)   And my son (now 18)

is  fully aware of why I made my choices.   I was young and I didn't have a job, my life was heading nowhere and I was hanging out with the wrong crowd.

          When I had my son, I knew he needed a good home with good parents and I was unable to provide for him.  

           I gave life and I gave him a life,  and because of my son I changed my life. I stop hanging around the wrong crowd, I went back to collage, got my (several degrees)  and I made a life for myself so when he does visit me, he can be proud of me as I am so proud of him.   It was not easy to place him, I cried for months, but I knew he was with a couple that could provide the best for him.  

           I'm so glad he finds it easy to explaine why his birthmother placed him in adopiton without knowing the truth.    I just wonder how and where he got this attidtue from?

  But you must respect his wishes, I met many adoptees who have no desire to meet their birthparents.

Answer 2

I am an adoptee myself. My parents were divorcing durring the time of my bio-mom's pregnancy and he wasn't a suitable parent, and she didn't want me. So I was adopted.

Of course this thought ran through my head MANY, MANY times. I would get letters from my bio-dad,saying he loved me. I couldn't believe it.

But now I know that he just couldn't take care of me. It's really hard to grasp the subject but once you do, you realize it.

Answer 3

That comment just makes me sick and want to cry. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Except maybe, "She loved you so much she wanted to give you a better life."

It has nothing (in most cases) to do with lack or over abundance of love. It's about hitting a brick wall going 70 mph while you're pregnant and there's no one to help you.

Answer 4

I am glad that whoever gave me up was smart enough to realize that, for whatever the reason, she could not or did not want to take care of me. Though Roe vs Wade was not a law when I was born my birth mother could have found a way to have had an abortion. She did not and I am grateful. I bet that there are quite a few who harbor anger and I do not condemn them.

Answer 5

I think you have asked the most important question there is for an adoptee.  It takes guts to do that.

I ALWAYS wanted--and even said--that I would search.  I also said for years that searching for my bparents would be as sentimental as searching for the doctor that delivered me.  Uuuh, that was denial talking.  

Despite being born before Roe v. Wade, I always recognized that my bparents had a choice.  By the way, I did not have any choice in my adoption.  I realize (now) that many young women are coerced into giving away their children.  But that is not my case...I was born to a married couple, she in college, he gainfully employed, both healthy,  both with healthy lifestyles, lots of family support....they just didn't want me.  

Now, over four decades later, bdad says my relinquishment was the hardest thing he has ever done.  He also says that he had no idea of the life-long repercussions it would involve.  Other family members say that bmom wants contact, but feels ashamed and cannot face me.  I figure she has to forgive herself--and she is the only person in the whole world that can do that.

Answer 6

I thought it - and believed it - for a very very long time.

I didn't physically search until I was 26 - as I - like Theresa - always hoped that she would look for me - because if she didn't - it just confirmed (in my mind) that she didn't love me.

Years later - and after a ton of research - I've learned that most mothers feel ashamed to search for their children - and just wait for them to come looking.

It's a stand-off of sorts.

I know hundreds of adoptees - and this fear of rejection runs very deep in almost all of them.

It took me years to find the strength to push forward and search - in the end my need for knowing exceeded my fear of rejection.

Some never reach that point.

That's fine - it's their life - but it is an observation I've made over the last 10 years.

If NOT done correctly - relinquishment and adoption can really mess with an adoptees mind.

MY OPINION - most adoptees that say they have no interest in searching - have these thoughts deep deep down in the back of their minds.

Perhaps not all - but I've heard too many adoptees shouting out loud that they have no interest in searching - and have never wanted to know - but their actual shouting tells more than the words - to me.

It hurts to be given away by your mother. (especially when you're a child)

You can work through it - and move past it - but children - instinctively - want to be loved by their bio mothers.

As adults - we can talk it all away.

But really - whatever works for adoptees - is fine either way.

It's their life.

It should be their choice.

We do what we do to survive - and put things right in our minds.

Answer 7

I was adopted after being put out on the street- and I don't have any hard feelings to my birth mom. All I know is my birthday(which might not even be my birthday because I only had a sticky note that said seven days old when givin' to the agency.) For all I know my mother and father were still in high school and decided to let a life happen rather then kill me in abortion- so I am happy to be alive.

Some people may have resentment to their birth parents, and really that's fine- but if you don't know them be happy that you are alive and healthy and NOT dead.

Answer 8

My feelings towards my birth mother change on daily basis but mostly I do feel like she abandoned me. I was 18 when I found myself with an unplanned pregnancy, and she was 17, so I sorta think well if I can keep my son why couldn't you have kept me. Then other days i just feel sorry for her.

I did want to search and I began the process, but I'm not sure it'll do any good. But yes It is a common feeling.

Answer 9

I am adopted and have no hard feeelings towards my birth mother she was young and honestly i thank her I have a wonderful life . A life I definetly would not have if she would kept me she was too young and not to sound mean but lives a lifestyle of irresponsibility 3 kids all different dads, I am happy to be given a chance in an environment I could thrive in. Some adoptees do feel hard feelings towards there birth parents but I find they are either unhappy people in general or they don't like the way things are going currently in there lives.  Would it  be better to him to have been aborted? His birth mother chose to give him a life even if it wasn't ideal, he can say she chose the  "easy life" but honestly what she did was a selfless act even if she did it for selfish reasons she gave him life and knew she couldn't do a good job of raising him. But every adopted child is allowed to feel however they want it is an emotional  circumstance and no one can be expected to feel one way or the other. I found my birth mother i talk to her sometimes i met my other siblings and it is nice to know the background of where i came from but i know who my parents are and i know the life I was given was the one i was meant to have. GL> PS my sister is also adopted from Romania and she has no desire to meet her birth family she did once but for some reason holds resentment towards them, and that's ok she needs to work through her feelings in her own time.

Answer 10

I have talked to my brother about this, he said the reason he doesn't try to find his birth mom is not because he feels like she "ditched" him, but it's because he truly has no desire. He told me he has a mom and a dad who he loves and a sister he loves too. His exact words were "why do I need to look for my mom? I already know where she is. She's the woman who loved me and raised me and cared for me."

I think a mother who chooses to carry her child and give them up for adoption because they are unable to care for them shows the ultimate expression of love.

Answer 11

my Ex-husband often made statments like these... or that his mother better have been 12 otherwise he didn't understand why she would toss him away.....  

Time passes and his feelings have changed he is in reuion his parents were Married College students and are still married.

Answer 12

I think every adoptee feels like that at some stage, just some of us get over it and some dont.  I think mostly its just their way of dealing with the loss.

Answer 13

One of my best friends is adopted & we had a discussion about adoption & she feels this way also. She said she has never had any desire to search for her first family.

Answer 14

I have no hard feelings towards my biological parents. I am aware of the circumstances they were under when they made the decision.  They were poor and worse they were homeless with no place to go. They didn't have the means to raise the child that they loved properly so they left me at a hospital.  I don't really have a desire to find my parents because I'm happy where I am. Plus, my parents are possible dead because of the conditions they were living in and I would definintely would need a translator.  I've always felt that because of their living situation that it would be nearly impossible to find them, they're probably not even on record. Parents want the best for their kids even if it means giving them up to someone who could give them everything they need.

Answer 15

i think it's common for adoptees who are not in the fog.  i felt that way, myself.

Answer 16

I said it. i believed it.

Like Theresa, I did it to protect myself.

Answer 17

I am adopted and have 2 adopted children -  

I don't feel that my birth mom did not want me, if she really did not love me, she would have aborted me- and my kids feel the same way about their birth moms.   I did not search for my mom, not because she "ditched" me, but because I did not want to interrupt her life-  I am almost 50 years old and 50 years ago, it was a much more "private" thing to be pregnant when you could not parent, for whatever reason. I know my birth mom loved me, from a letter that she wrote to my adopted parents.   My son, who is now 19 just met his birth family last year, and it was a wonderful reunion- His birth mom, thought the he would "hate" her for what she did, however he told her no "you loved me, that is why you did it". Again, not searching was not because I felt abandoned.

Answer 18

I definitely thought that way at one point & I'm sure there are many others out there that feel the same way.  A couple years ago that changed.  I went from making that excuse to really trying to understand that where it could be the case of a biological mother rejecting her child...it's not necessarily the reason.

Personally, I do not have a desire to search yet.  At least not for the reason of creating a relationship with my biological mother.  If anything the only thing I do want to know is the reason why & medical history.  Other than that I can honestly say that I do not care about the feelings or the person my biological mother may be as that is something that earned by that person, from me.

Answer 19

I dont think there is such thing as a 'fog'. I do think that some adoptees feel a loss and I do believe that some adoptees are not so stirred up on finding bios. There is no rule book that says adoptees must feel this and feel that, and there is no rule book to say adoptees must find bios either. I thinks it down to choice.

Some people feel they have no identity, and some people feel quite content with their adoption.  I felt, that I had to know, I was very curious and I was ready to accept that my bio didnt want to know. Atleast I can say I have met both bio parents, I know more about where I came from and I am now content with my life. A huge whole has been filled.

But....not everyone is the same, and it al depends on the circumstances and adoptions of different people.

I think its nice to respect others and here what they have to say.

Answer 20

Very common, especially in men.  That's why it's called the 'primal wound', doesn't get deeper than your mother 'rejecting' you at birth.  Some can't take the risk that they'll be rejected again.

The irony is that she's told by others to give him away because she loves him.  

Who benefits from this conundrum? Hmmm.

Answer 21

My best friend is adopted and does not want to search for her birth parents. I didn't get it, but one day I asked her why. She said she already parents, and they weren't anything to her. She did already know their names and why they did it though. But, she'd never spoken to them. I think if it were me, I'd want to meet them. Usually families who adopt really want children, and the adoptees have good lives. But, I think I'd still want to atleast meet the woman who brought me into the world, and thank her. Could have been worse, the people who "ditched" him, could have "killed" him.

Answer 22

I would agree that he may just feel content with his family and doesn't need to find his biological parents.  He is right the bio-mother did have a choice...good, bad or whatever it was a choice.  I  have NO desire to find my birth parents.  I have parents and siblings and that is that.  I appreciate the fact that I was given a chance to have a great life but that is where the connection ended.

Answer 23

no i dont think so

Answer 24

My father feels that way and won't share any information about his natural family.  As his child, I wish he'd share it with us.  We may never know.

Answer 25

I'm adopted. I learned that my parents were in highschool (15 and 16) when they had me. They didn't have the resources to care for me. I have ALWAYS been grateful that they chose not to abort me... but to have me and give me to a family that could provide for a great life. I have met them since and I am still grateful... no hard feelings or anything.

Answer 26

I was a passive searcher for many years, meaning I added myself to mutual consent registries, but I wouldn't go any farther than that. When people would ask if I would ever search my mom out, I'd say things like, "If she wants to find me, she will."

Truth be told I did very much want to search, but I would make that statement as a way of protecting myself. I used it to protect myself from ignorant comments as well as protecting myself from my own fear.

I've read and heard other adoptees make statements like that. I feel really sad for them when they do.