"Let me show you the universe," the young woman said."

Question

"Let me show you the universe," the young woman said.

She opened her hand and a glowing ball of light

appeared in her palm

I leaned forward to look at it

and it expanded into

Lithium sunsets before my eyes

, later breaking up into black voids

Of glowing phosphorous

floating dust clouds

and brilliant speckles of light

that shone as clusters of stars.

I loved the sights held before my eyes

But was startled by the noises

that appeared to come from outside

a rustle of leaves

A storm breeze

Unhindered

That woke me from my deep haze

Answer 1

Very, very good.  

I'm not sure about the last line.....is haze the word you really want?  It means 'mist' or 'cloudiness' ....on second thoughts, perhaps it does fit.

I was imagining that you meant something to do with sleep.

Yep, I like this very much.

Edit, why has your detractor got the same face as you (with closed eyes)?

Answer 2

I think you can make this better. Right now it seems like some of the words you've used are there only because they're descriptive, and not because they're the best fit. Try this: think about this poem very deeply. Close your eyes and imagine a young woman showing you the universe. What do you see? How do you feel? Record every single moment. Then, come back to it a bit later and try to do some hard editing.

If you want to stick with the senses, try to keep it to one sense (sight). If you want to add more sensory experience, allow for greater description for the others.

Answer 3

Stop being a douchebag, at least try.