"Mom" Problems... Help?

Question

This is something that has been going on for a while...

In short, my "mom" and I don't get along - never really have.

Everything she says to me is negative, never any compliments...

Always yelling or punishing me for something.

Today she compared me to poison, last night she told me people will call me names for the way I dress (for the record, i was wearing a t-shirt and sweats) and she always scrutinizes... calls me a *****, s**t, etc.

I am FED UP! I am leaving for college in a week, but I need to get this through her head that it's not me that's the problem. The "relationship" as I see it is beyond repair... I've built up too big of a wall of resentment towards her and she isn't making any effort to stop.

How can I deal with this?

Ps: I have a younger brother and he is treated like the perfect child... he gets everything he wants, I get blamed for everything he does, he never gets yelled at... UGH.

Answer 1

The first thing you have to realize is that your mom is so out of line and is abusive, and that has nothing to do with you.  It is entirely her problem!  

Secondly, you need to know that you are not obligated to have relationships with people just because they are your relatives.  Giving birth is nothing special and doesn't entitle your mom to anything.  Now that you are an adult (mostly)  you are responsible for choosing who you allow in your life and how you allow yourself to be treated, so choose wisely.

Third, I understand why you want your mom to realize her mistake and the truth of the situation, but realistically that isn't going to happen.  It isn't about how right , truthful, persuasive, eloquent or persistent you are.  People either see the truth or they don't.  You will only cause yourself pain by trying to get your mom to see the truth.

From my own experience with my dad, which was very like yours, I know that it is infuriating to have someone be so dishonest and abusive and then try to blame you, but unfortunately, people only change when they want to.

The fact that you haven't bought into her bull shows how smart you are, so as least you can go off to college with confidence.  It is hard, but you really need to let this go.  Don't allow her to abuse you anymore, even if it means cutting her from your life completely.  When she tries to attack you, don't argue the point, don't attack her, just tell her you won't be abused by anyone and she should be ashamed and leave.

Be careful in your other relationships, because subconsciously this stuff can stick and influence the choices you make if you are not diligent.  You have too many things to do now to get tied down anyway, but before you do, get really clear about the kind of person you want to be with, the behavior that you will except and the way you want to feel with them.  At the first sign of any cruelty, disrespect, disregard or dishonesty-BAIL.

Answer 2

go to college. enjoy yourself. try to take summer classes or something so you don't hafta come back home.  

Answer 3

i cannot believe a mother can dislike her child anyway!

maybe there is something wrong with her... some troubles at work, with family, neighbours,...etc, & she just yells at you cuz u stand against her face then.

[your younger brother either knows how to absorb her anger, or just be nice to her in her cool times so that she prefers yelling at you rather than him. or probably he gets the advantage of being "the younger" (so, u are the one to carry responsibilities), or may be cuz he is a boy!]

anyway, i think u have many solutions:

1. get closer to your younger brother (so he will like to defend u agaist mum) & also try to get him incorporated in your life actions esp. those which cause u trouble, so he will share you the responsibility. ur mother won't yell at him (i am sure) & so she won't yell at u too! if she tried to yell at you only, throw it (responsibility) on ur brother & she will stop completely. (i am quite sure she won't hurt him). if she then yelled at him, beg her pardon for him. this always work, & improves ur picture much

2. be cool when mum yells at you. answer short subjective answers to keep ur calmness & get away quickly to finish the situation.

Answer 4

I find it so sad when a mother treats her child like this.  It breaks my heart.  I feel sorry for you having to leave with your mom being the way she is.   Try one more time before you leave to talk to her and if it doesn't work well at least you can say you did everything you could.  You are leaving in a weeks time, enjoy your time at college, at least you will have peace of mind there.  Do your very best and you will come out on top.  Your mom on the other hand will regret what she has done to you someday but your relationship will be beyond repair.  If you have children some day she will miss out on so many things.  She will live to regret everything.  In the meantime like I said do the best you can and that is all you can do.  Good luck to you and I hope everything turns out ok for you.  I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 5

I would be so irritated if I were in your position, I can understand how you feel. My suggestion is to communicate with her. Since you are leaving in a week, (thank god), write her a letter explaining all of your feelings and make sure to add things like how your brother is treated, how you've built this wall, and how you feel instead about the entire 'relationship' in itself. It's hard to physically talk with someone who won't listen or really take you seriously. Write a nice long letter, address it to her, and then leave it where you know she'll find it after you are gone. Most likely she'll read it and call you right away to probably yell but she might be nice. I would take a break from talking with her once you get into college, take time for yourself for once. Good luck girl!

Answer 6

Just leave for college and don't look back. You won't regret it. She's jealous for some reason of you. You're probably very beautiful and have a lot going for you and she just can't understand why she could never be that way. I agree with the other post...take summer classes so you don't have to go back. I hope you have TOPS to pay for college so you won't have to depend on her. Take out some school loans or just get a part-time job while you are enrolled. Make sure you major is something that is right for you and don't waste this opportunity. Don't let your mom hold you back or make you feel inferior. You can do this...by yourself. You can keep in touch with your brother...it's not his our mom treats him differently.

Good Luck and don't try to make her see something that she never will.  

Answer 7

Don't know what's up with Mom but sounds like she has some ISSUES with regard to  you that even SHE doesn't understand. If you are leaving for college soon I say LEAVE and let the dust settle and leave the ball in her court to mend this fence!  We don't know the emotional dynamic here that might involve other things like husbands, ex husbands, her father, life's stresses etc that are making her behave towards you like this. BUT be sure it's something.  I think saying anything to her before you leave is a waste of time.  I would maybe leave for college, get settled in and then on a quiet Sunday sit down and write her a long personal calm letter expressing your feelings in depth.  You avoid the yelling, resentment, argument, hollering, cursing, hurtful remarks etc but still get your point across.  

Try and realize that she obviously has something of her OWN that she is struggling with and MUST LOVE YOU - she's your mom.  Try and be patient and don't hate her.  Try and understand find some emphathy in your heart and try and remember the GOOD things about her that she has lost touch with right now.  MAYBE she is scared of you leaving? Maybe she is going thru other personal, mental, emotional, medical, employment, financial issues that you are not aware of.... SIT back and try and be calm about it.  Try and take a different perspective on this even though that might be VERY hard to do....

Answer 8

I feel the same way.

I don't really know what to say but ignore her.

After a while she'll realize that telling you all that c**p isn't worth it. She's wasting her time.  

Answer 9

You're leaving in a week.  Problem pretty much solved.  If her presence/attidude/comments bother you so much, you are now in a position to avoid her.  Make the most of your college years, leave the baggage behind.

Answer 10

As someone who has spent years trying to get my daughter's dad to act like a father, and not be so selfish and self-centered, I can tell you to cut your losses, and realize you don't have a perfect mother.  

Don't base your self esteem on anything she says about you, but on how you act and what you do.

To compare your own child to poison, is ridiculous!  

As for your younger brother getting treated better, the only thing that came to mind was maybe your mom is jealous of you.  Your brother, being a boy, is not a threat.  

Maybe your mom is having a hard time with getting older, and is not handling it well.  I don't know.  Maybe she's always just been mean.  

But, the name calling from her, is so inappropriate, and sad.

If I were you, I would try to enjoy my last week at home, by ignoring everything, and having fun however I could, before I got to college, and had to buckle down and study.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 11

Yes Mother - daughter relationships are always hard.

For minor conflicts, you should try to understand the life circumstances, challenges, and choices that were made available to your mother.  I know it is hard.

Why don't you start a mother-daughter tradition-- it’s never too late to begin new ones -- and make a promise to keep the traditions alive every year (why not every Mother’s Day). Traditions can include simple activities such as long walks, dinner at a favorite restaurant, or updating family photo albums.

Try and do things together before you go to college.

Good Luck!

Answer 12

I'm sorry that you've had to go through that.  You should have access to a counselor at your university.  They can be a great resource (I used them many times) and I think it would be worth it to go talk to one.  A professional might be able to provide you with some great ideas on what to do, or at the very least, would be a great place to process some of your feelings.  It certainly couldn't hurt to give it a try.  Best of luck.

Answer 13

She is your mother.  The bible counsels us to honor thy mother and father and your days will be lenghtened.  You don't know what your mom is going through with you leaving.  she could be jealous, sad, angry you dont know. Have you 3 ever been apart? Even thou your mom is the adult and should behave that way, forgive her the words that she has said, and let her know you forgive her too.  When you away to school, this will give your emotional and mental health a break, but dont forget your mom.  Leave on a good note and no matter how she reacts or what she says forgive her and forget it.  Trust me she loves you.

My mom went throught this when I got married, it was a horrible feeling, but I tried to talk to her about what could possilbly be going on with her, but she wouldnt talk to me.  I cried and cried and prayed and prayed.  I said I will be kind and loving as I have always been, Its hard but I do it cause I know its something that she isnt telling me or maybe even ashamed of ie. jealous, sad, angry i dont know.  All I know is dispite her angry hurtful words she is my mom and I love her.  Its been a rough 3years for us, but its getting progressivly better and I am proud to say I never lost contact with her.

Love, strength, pateince and Endurance will get you through this.

Hope this helps!