"No need to adopt?"?

Question

I have seen numerous times on this board where people have asked about step-parent adoption and been told "If the step parent loves the child, cares for the child, and the child loves the step-parent in return, why is there any need to adopt?"

As someone with experience in this, let me answer:

If I had died before my husband legally adopted my oldest daughter, he would have had no legal rights to her. She would have wound up thrown into the system- separated from her sister- and he would have had to fight to get her back. That's why.

Her biological father wanted no part of being in her life. My husband is the daddy she's had since she was only a few months old.

Why WOULDN'T he adopt her?

I understand that there are problems with adoption laws in our country and that some kids who are adopted wind up feeling betrayed. I get that.

But why can't people on the other side look at the full picture, too? Not ALL adoption is terrible!

Answer 1

Amen!  Hope they're all listening.

Answer 2

I agree that there is an added sense of family involved after the adoption.  Yes, he loves your daughter just as much as before the adoption, and I assume that the feeling is mutual.  However, I think that it means something to everyone involved that you all went through the process of adopting because you weer that committed to the legal, as well as emoitional, bond.

Answer 3

I agree as I have seen children end up in the system and then get bounced from one foster home to another.  In some cases the Step parent can obtain guardianship but that process takes time and  the child will stay in the "system" till it is complete. Why put the child through that as they are grieving the loss of one parent and then have to live with a strange family.....

ALL situations are unique and ALL variables need to be considered.  Decisions should be based on what is "in front of you" and not based on the generic responses.  It is a shame that more people cannot open their minds more and see the forest through the trees.   "I feel" that this needs to be applied to most things in life....not just adoption.

Answer 4

Amen

Answer 5

Would the child be able to keep his/her original birth certificate depicting the true facts of his/her birth? or would they get a falsified 'amended' version like mine, with the original locked away never to be seen by him/her again?

Answer 6

I, for one, totally support step-parent adoption when it is not done sneakily for exactly the reasons that you state.  Be aware though that if you are in process or unable to complete a step-parent adoption, it is extremely important to have a will that states your reasons why and include backup if you can.  Judges do look at that and consider it seriously and often rule against the father, particularly if he had been uninvolved-to-date.  See a lawyer to find out exactly how you should do that.

Answer 7

I have friends who are going through this scenario right now. It is so much better to have it done legally now, than go through the courts and red tape and wish you had done it earlier. So much better for the child to have that security as well, than to be part of a tug-of-war between parents who have raised them and a parent who has had nothing to do with them, but decides all of a sudden to be 'part of their lives'.

Answer 8

I agree with you 100%. Unless someone has dealt with a sperm donor who could never be a real father they cannot imagine where you are coming from.

Answer 9

Actually, I had a step-parent adoption for many of the reasons you just stated.  Also, a will is not binding and if the biological father fights, he very well may overturn your "wishes" of having your child stay with the father he/she has known their whole life.  I had the added fear because my ex was very abusive to me, and never got the chance to be so to my child because I left him and was married when the baby was born.  I never reported the abuse so he could have made a claim for visitation or custody had he chosen to.  The second I could legally claim abandonment due to lack of interest I did it, got his rights terminated and my husband adopted OUR boy.  Now we have the paperwork backing us and although we are no longer married, knowing that the paperwork is there makes both of us feel a little safer.  He treats both our kids the same and has joint custody of both of them and is still an amazing father.  mostly it's the peace of mind...

Answer 10

Actualy if you make a will saying who you want the childs gaurdian to be in case of your death then the child will not be put into the care system and will stay with that person