"So, when are you getting married?"?

Question

I've been dating my boyfriend for 4 years now and this is a common phrase I hear. Just this past weekend, we attended a wedding and a few different people declared us "next". Of course, I'm flattered by these comments. It's really nice to see people supportive of our relationship and that they see a special bond between us.

But, I'm never quite sure how to address the subject. I especially have difficulties when I'm approached about the subject candidly. For example, at the wedding I was attending, there was a lovely outdoor patio for the guests. I wandered out there by myself for some fresh air. The bride was out there finishing some photos. When she was done, she came over and was talking to me. She asked if my boyfriend and I have any wedding plans. Of course, we talk about it and we've discussed it. But, I'm never quite sure what to say to people. It's something we want in our future, but we have no set time frame right now. I'm thinking he might propose within the year, but I don't want to go telling everyone that. You know how people are, they will hold you to that statement.

So, what's a nice polite response to the question without getting too detailed or without having to give specfics (like dates, timeframes, etc)

Answer 1

It depends on why they're asking - are they trying to make conversation or are they trying to make a point? The example you gave, of the bride coming over and asking is just her being overly excited about getting married, she knew she was inappropriate (my now-fiance's sister kept doing that to me and then immediately apologizing at her wedding).

If they're trying to make small talk then just brush the question off (several good suggestions have been made here) and change the subject. You don't need to respond to their rudeness by descending to the same level, however you also don't need to encourage it. If someone does it too many times then you can point out that they're being rude.

Are any of these people trying to make a point? If you and your boyfriend are living together it's entirely possible that people aren't asking because they're curious, but asking because they feel that you ought to be married given your state. These people might be better dealt with by having a discussion wherein you explain your position regarding your choices (this applies more to close relatives).

Answer 2

Honestly, anyone who asks anything like this is being rude.  They may not intend it, but they are.  It is totally rude to ask about someone's personal relationship; if they share with you, that's one thing, but to ask is rude!  Plus, it really puts you and the boyfriend on the spot!

If you feel you should respond at least in a slightly polite way to this rude question, I would say something like this:

"Well, we don't really share those type of personal plans with others".

Answer 3

My fiance and I used to come up with funny things to say when people asked us that.  My favorite would be him going, "Sh--, I know I forgot something" and getting down on one knee.  The look on people's face was priceless.

People are going to ask...and ask and ask and ask.  Just offhandedly reply that nothing has been set and smile.  People always like to be included so laugh and say that when it is they'll be the first to know (even though they won't be, it should end the conversation).

Answer 4

Just smile and say "when the time is right." And then change the subject.

Answer 5

4 years?  You should be very thankful you have a boyfriend.  I haven't been on a date in over 3 years and haven't had a girlfriend last more than 3 months.  And I'm almost 30.

Answer 6

I AM IN THE SAME POSITION!!! My bf and I have been together for almost 4 years, and we go to a million weddings. It can be very frustrating with everyone nagging you about you "being next"

Usually my response is, "Trust me, when we're engaged, we'll let you know!" With a big smile, of course :)

Answer 7

Well of course people will ask that when you are at wedding, especially together.  All people at weddings are thinking about is marriage; so just be happy with them, and honest, "I don't know, he hasn't asked yet, maybe soon."

I know this past Christmas was crazy for my boyfriend and I, because we both love Christmas, and it's a big deal for our families, we'd been together 3.5 years by Christmas, so EVERYONE (even friends of mine who had never met my boyfriend) assumed there would be a Christmas proposal.  But my boyfriend is really against proposing on a holiday, he felt the engagement should be it's own holiday. lol.

So both our moms were constantly bringing it up, and friends, etc., and I was really good about not talking about, because we knew where things were going and I didn't want to pressure him, but at Christmas I was starting to feel the pressure, and I wasn't the one that had to get down on one knee and pop the question!

So finally my boyfriend declared (and I spread the word) that anytime anyone mentioned us getting engaged he would delay it y 3 months, because he wanted it to be HIS decision, not seem like he was giving in to pressure of other people.  THAT shut people up REALLY quick about the whole engagement thing.

He went on a trip for work in February and while he was gone (he told me this months later) he decided it was the right time.  He had the ring designed and asked my father for his blessing and planned a big party for the day after he proposed.  He popped the question the day I moved in with him in April, (I had just finished my university degree).

Answer 8

It's hard, isn't it, to come up with a polite response to what is really a rude question, regardless of the good intentions and love that might be behind it.  People should never really inquire about things like that, since they don't know the full story.

I used to be confronted with that question far too often, and there really is no good answer.  If I said, "We're waiting until we are a bit more financially ready," they'd say something like, "Well, don't wait too long," and then make some sort of stupid comment about biological clocks, etc.  Or if I said, "Justin (that's my fiance's name) is a bit younger than I am and wants to be 100% ready for that kind of commitment," they'd say that horrid saying about "why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free..." Yes, people can be downright rude, even when they think they're being helpful by trying to shame your BF into commitment.  If anything, it made him regress, LOL.

What we finally did was turn it into a bit of a joke- they'd ask when we were getting married and we'd say, "Sometime before 2010 (this was back in '03 or '04)."  Whatever you say, though, it doesn't work.  We finally got engaged last New Year's Eve, and we'll be getting married on Sep. 5, 2009, which is our 7-year anniversary of the day we met- and a good THREE months before 2010!! LOL

Of course, don't expect the third degree to end when you get engaged- now people are hounding us about why we wanted such a long engagement, when we plan to have kids, and when we're going to buy a house.  Basically people are just annoying.

Answer 9

Just say that you're flattered for asking, and that it'll happen when the time is right.

That's what my fiance and I used to say when people asked us those questions.

Just be vague and generic. If they keep asking questions, say that you've talked about it, but you don't feel any need to hurry.

Answer 10

Those type of things are so annoying.  It never stops though . . . When you get married the question just changes to "so when are you going to have a baby?"

It  never stops.  Just be vague and don't give them too much information.

Answer 11

My initial impulse would be to say something along the lines of

"whenever you can get us the money"

but we don't want to be rude so...

I would say...

"We are not in a hurry... It'll happen in due time"