"The Cult of Masculinity": how do you feel about this assessment - written by a man - of how boys are raised?

Question

"First, parents discourage the expression of emotions of vulnerability in male children. Fear and sadness in particular are unacceptable for males.

Second, males are taught to undervalue emotions indicative of caring and affection; females learn how to express warmth and affection, while males are taught to look upon such displays with disdain. Males do not learn how to connect to other people intimately and are even shunned for such displays; empathy and perspective-taking skills are not taught and are seen as unimportant for young boys.

Third, there is limited subset of emotions condoned for males, most notably anger, aggression, and instrumentality, defined here as using other people to meet one's own needs. Males who do not learn expertise with these emotions become the recipients of the scorn of other males and, often, society as a whole."

http://www.acacamps.org/campmag/0805shelton.php

Answer 1

Why ask a question when you've already made up your mind as to the answer?

Answer 2

There is a lot of research that supports this notion, and it is part of a greater concept of gender socialization in children.

Now, this is not to suggest that there are no biological predispositions in gender, although some would argue this, but it does mean that gender in itself is a socially constructed category.

This is why gender roles, gendered behaviours and expectations of gender as well as gender socialization changes over time and across cultures.

I agree with most of what this article purports, and I definitely believe that in the cult of masculinity, certain emotions are stiffled in males and rewarded according to gender, and the opposite is true for women. While men are reprimanded for expressing fear or sadness, women are reprimanded for expressing pride or anger.

I would extrapolate this not so much to the cult of masculinity but the cult of gender altogether.

While many people do fit these gender roles happily, it does set up cultures of aggression in boys and cultures of oppression in girls, and is harmful to diversity of gender expression and to anyone who does not fit pre-conceived notions of gender.

Answer 3

When was this published? I think it's pretty well true of past generations but it's changing in some sectors of the population. I realise it's a generalisation, but I think the reality is a bit milder now. It's not like this at our place anyway.

Answer 4

hmm I think the author forgot to take his med's. There is a difference between controlling ones emotions and restraining them to the point of inner turmoil...

      But to use anger and aggression to repress emotions is stupid and reckless. Columbine and virginia tech are good examples of repressed emotions.

     Empathy and perspective based skills are essential for learning how to control ones emotions. Because if you keep yourself from feeling when life forces that emotion upon you how can you maintain a clear mind?

  And to live without the full spectrum of emotions is a wasted life.

Answer 5

Even a lot of so-called "caring" fathers have trouble passing on any knowledge of emotional expression. It has been discouraged for so long. Male children are still raised in the hope that they won't be 'cissies', rather that they will be a proper man - and what is that exactly?

It's pre-conditioning for what's already expected in the wider world: arrogance, lack of empathy.  Some men bypass this early conditioning through their own thinking, many do not.

A similar thing is taking place among women to some extent - the desire to have hard, less empathetic women who can hold their own in the world of men has produced some women who think themselves self-determined, but who in reality are crude approximations to the worst male traits.

Answer 6

Personally, I view the article as outdated, and I am surprised that this type of behavior could have happened at a camp in 2007.  I don't see this as a cultural norm at all.

I do see that separation from the mother happens earlier for boys than for girls but that separation does not have to be an unhealthy one.  Perhaps the examples given were extreme to serve the author's purpose?

Answer 7

It never happened to my brother (since my parents were above sexist conditioning), but I imagine a lot of other boys have had to deal with that.

Answer 8

I feel it's a continuing problem, but not as much due to parents as it was in my generation, when boys didn't cry. I tried to raise my kids without gender stereotypes, and encouraged my son to express all of his emotions.  He did so quite well as a young boy - until adolescence.

I noticed a huge change as he got into middle school and got peer pressure to be macho.  After 6 years of middle school and high school football, fights, and treating girls exactly the opposite of everything we ever taught him, he's grown up and still trying to be the tough guy.  I don't know where his values come from, but they weren't from his parents - we both speak to this day of what an amazingly gentle, empathic boy he was before adolescence, and are both confused at how he changed.

Answer 9

Ever since I was a child, I heard, "Real men aren't afraid to cry or show their feelings."

I think you are talking like.... 40 years ago or so, prior to the 60's and 70's values became common.

Answer 10

What a load of nonsense.

Seriously... this is stupid.

Answer 11

Pushing this idea that men are the defective gender has to stop. The quote you have used paints a very untrue picture.

I feel it is worth mentioning that 1970s radical feminism drove many men out of the nurturing professions.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-...

I think that the constant messages about our inherent badness and defects coming from the feminist camp does more damage than our upbringings do, if our upbringings were that oppressive and unhealthy, we would do something about it ourselves, being men and all, you know?.

The anger and aggression is not condoned, how often do you see a father getting angry in public? you just need to go to any shopping street to see a mother losing her temper. Our anger and aggression is tempered by our upbringings, rugby for instance gives us an outlet for it, our fathers,ideally should show us how to be strong but fair and in control. It is more healthy to be angry directly and in a controlled way than it is to repress it and become passive aggressive, we all know that passive aggressive are very unhealthy to be around. Passive aggression is something that many women engage in. Its very destructive.

Its PC to pretend that everything is socialised and nothing is natural but new research is saying otherwise. Any study that works off the basis that a large part of how we are comes down it socialisation has little credibility. Our brains are different.

http://news.scotsman.com/health/Revealed...

http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/Health/...

"How special it is that you have a different brain. The article is discussing childhood socialization."

Don't be silly, it is good to toughen up our kids, my daughter would come to me with a scratch, I'd say something like, "oh, you have some blood!" wipe it and tell her its better and opposed to making a drama out of it, now she is not one of those annoying whingy kids, she just gets on with it, if people like you had their way, we'd be babies for ever, just look at what your pampering has done to the modern western woman. We wouldn't want all the men walking around with the victim mentality, would we?

Answer 12

I believe that this assessment is a correct assessment. Even when a family allows little boys or big boys to show their emotions, the world outside the home is a totally different place and those shown emotions are not acceptable. We have not come far enough yet in our culture to allow the males in our society to value and display as much warmth and affection as their female counterparts. I am always amazed at men who feel confident enough in themselves enough to display warmth and affection. Bravo to all those men who can and do!

Answer 13

Although I think that in some cultures that kind of old way of education is changing (I suppose and I hope IS changing), unfortunately in most other cultures it holds absolutely true. Especially among the poorer and less educated sectors of society.

This not just creates a big gap between the sexes, but a lot of unhappiness, as boys and girls are conditioned to be what they are expected to be as a gender and not seen as individuals with their own personalities.

I grew up in a very macho country and I saw this clear difference in education between boys and girls. I saw fathers shouting to their very young sons because they were crying, or other boys bullying someone because he was not tough enough. I saw boys being praised for the aggressiveness, showed in a display of different ways.

Girls were protected, we could be emotional, but at the same time we had to be very careful to interact with the boys who had become very angry. The girls became suspicious of boys, even some were afraid. How unhealthy all this is! As boys and girls are educated inside a cage, and this cage creates a bigger cage which is a whole society of repressed people, of people that don't express who they are, but what they think is expected of them.

I always ask myself from where all this comes from, as we know this is all so relative, there are tough boys and tough girls, but there are also men that perhaps they are gentler in nature and as much as girls. I believe that a very negative impact in this segregation in education is due to religion, and of course this is my very personal opinion. But I also believe that those countries which keep this gender separation to unhealthy extremes, also doesn't permit the evolution of their society.

I think we have to value and respect individuality, the wonderful diversity of each one of us independent of gender, race or creed. Trying to conform to a predetermined cage, just make unhappy human beings.

Answer 14

The article start out by talking about concussions...then goes into summer camp boys who are homesick...?

Yes many boys are given this message.  There are many sick, unemotional, unfeeling men out there.  

However to put us all in a cardboard cutout is incorrect.  Don't tell the Klingon's but some of us fathers/men treat our sons differently.

Oh wait, I forgot, VAWA has made it illegal for divorced fathers to see sons anymore.  So yes, step dads are more mean/tougher than biological dads.  Guess you'll never see an article on that.  

Why do feminists say men are simple, but then have NO clue per male life?  Boys today are more isolated than ever before in history.

Btw, thank you for asking this question-you care and that's all that counts.  :)  Sorry so vocal, unless you had a child ripped away from you per sexist laws, you wouldn't understand.

Answer 15

as a woman who was raised as a man i would have to whole heartedly back the author up. his study is insightful and accurate as a social whole (at least for the area i grew up in)

due to my own gender issues i often allowed other to guess what i was growing up. i dressed across the gender lines when not at home and was often perceived differently in different places. but my parents raised me strictly to be a "man" (i later found out that i am in fact female by my dna but born with genetalia mimicking that of a males... which i have to have surgically corrected)

i became aware of these things at an early age out of neccessity. for a male child to break with this conditioning is outright dangerous in our culture, and even if it is not reinforced by the parents, it is reinforced by the other children and often other adults in the childs life resulting in the same expectations.

i wound up being treated from both ends of the spectrum as a child and learned firs thand the differences in how society responds to the exact same situation dependant on your perceived gender.

these social expectations dont make exception for the individual. they dont care if you do feel. the cold facts are as a 6 year old boy in the schoolyard, if you scrape your knee and cry the other boys (and often girls) are going to call you names and laugh. if the same happens to a six year old girl in the schoolyard there isnt any hostility, but usually compassion from even the "toughest" boys there"

these same "vulnerabilities" are later punished the older you get.

alpha male gets the girls, sensitive guy gets beat up and made fun of.

its ridiculous and archaic, but still reality.

the expectations on girls are a bit more leniant, but displays against the social construct still result in persecution wether it be as "tomboy" "d**e" or even in the case of a friend  getting litterally gangbeaten by none other than the cheerleading squad  who called her a witch.

as we evolve as a culture it would be nice if these gender constructs were dropped in place of advocating individuality and mental health. perhaps if we were all raised with androgynous expectations then we could truly learn what a "real man" or "real woman"  is naturally.