"Why don't I have any grandparents?"?

Question

My 4 year old is starting to notice differences between his family and others' families, and he's been sad/upset that a lot of his friends have grandparents, but he doesn't. My husband's parents both died before he was born, my dad died when my son was a baby, and my mom died 1 1/2 years ago. I've explained to him that everyone's family is different and that he has lots of family that love him, but he still gets upset over this sometimes.

Is there anything else I can tell him or do to help him get over this?

Thanks.

Answer 1

Hi. This is a tough one & I really don't have the right answers.

Do you maybe have someone to act as surrogate grandparents for your child? I'm not suggesting you lie to him by saying "this is Nan & Pop", but rather to encourage a bond between him & an older couple. Maybe even elderly neighbours or other relatives of yours that you're close with. Perhaps they could start referring to themselves as (whatever pet name you like) when they're around him. Maybe say to him "let's visit (for example) Mima & Pa" & let your boy know that having them is just like his friends having grandparents.

I don't know, maybe this may appeal to you, or you may think it's a silly idea, But either way I wish you all the best.

Answer 2

What if you get together some pictures of his grandparents and put then in a plastic picture holder in a little children's wallet and let him know that even though his grandparents aren't here with him they love him very much. Then he will be able to carry then around with him and have then close. I think that might help.  

Answer 3

im guessing your husbands parents dies before your SON was born.....just to clarify to mariaaaaaa :)

I think he needs to feel that he has plenty of family surrounding him that love and adore him, maybe then he wont miss having grandparents.

Answer 4

wow thats tough...

maybe introduce him to other outside family

aunty uncle

godparents

and tell him that these people love him too

and maybe when he is older tell him that they have passed on

Answer 5

Contact a senior center in your area. Many communities have an adopt-a-grandparent type program. At 4 years old he may understand the basics of you explaining what has happened. Grandparents are a very important part of a child's life(or should be) and I'm so sorry for you, your husband and your son's loss. See if you can;t find someone to step into that place.

Answer 6

It must be just as hard for you and your husband to bring up your son with out the support of your parents - and you only lost your own parents recently. I think your son senses you are still really grieving and that's natural. You are right though, all families are different (my dad died when I was very young) and some people have parents but they don't know them or just don't get along. You do have your husband and your very own family unit. Remember too that people can become 'family' just through the relationships we form with them. With this is the added bonus - you can choose them.

You have been honest with your son which is what all good parents do. You could show him photos and tell him about them, the happy memories you have. Even though they are not physically present he will get a sense of love and respect from the stories you tell which is just as valuable. You could tell him they are looking over him, helping to keep him safe. Some people like to point at stars and say that's where they are. Yet others just rely on the ancient tradition of keeping our loved ones alive in our memories by handing down tales.

Of course you feel a tremendous sense of loss but by reminding him his grandparents were important loving people and showing him how they taught you both to be important loving people will help him to feel secure and to become the same.

Answer 7

Have you tried an Adopt-A-Grandparent program? They sometimes offer them at retirement and nursing homes. For those older folks who don't have much or any family, a child coming to visit and act like a grandchild is a wonderful and much-welcomed surprise, and it would also help your son to feel like he does have grandparents. It would be very mature and responsible of him and would make him feel very special too.

Answer 8

I am sorry to hear that.

Do you have any elderly/older relatives? I am sure that they would love some extra visits, and then your son would have a special relationship of some kind with the older generation. Otherwise, it might be nice to visit an old folk's home with him. There are plenty of older people there who wish they had a cute grandson who'd visit them.

It is hard for your son, I am sure, to feel like his family is smaller, and it must be hard for you too. I am sure you miss your parents, especially when he says things like that.

Give him a big hug, and maybe show him pictures and tell him stories about his grandparents "adventures". Not only will that connect him to his heritage, it may make him feel more special.

With time, he will understand!

Answer 9

My condolences to you and your family. I think that your doing the right thing.  Don't lie to him. That's life and sometimes that's the way things go. Invite his aunts and uncles over often.

Answer 10

wow, that's a tough one...i'm so sorry to hear that.

i know he's young so it's not easy for him to understand...

you just have to give him some time.

i think a great idea would be to show him photos of them

and tell him stories about them!!

also, reassure him that if they were still alive that they'd

love him very, very much!! :-)

i hope i helped!!! good luck!!

Answer 11

umm. how can your husband's parents die before he was born.

thats a little impossible.

well, i guess all you can really do is explain to him. and try to tell him that if his grandparents were around they would love him, but there gone now and watching over him.

i dunnno, thats what i would tell my son. if i was in your situation.

but thats just meee.

Answer 12

get out the pictures and start telling stories. let him help you put them in picture frames or make a collage with the computer. tell him about how happy your mom and dad were when he was born. how much your husbands mom and dad would've been proud of their grandbaby. when they have grandparents day at school, go with him instead with their pictures. have their pictures near by for birthdays and holidays. celebrate their birthdays with some cupcakes. he knows that the rest of his family loves him, he just wants to know how much his grandparents did too.  

Answer 13

Hi Starfall - I'm so sorry that you are in this situation.  How difficult it must be.  Even though I personally don't have children, I have to say I love the idea of the "Adopt-a-Grandparent" program that a couple of your answerers have suggested.   I do know that there are a lot of older adults in senior centers who are all alone and very lonely and would absolutely love to have a little one to come and visit.  I really hope you will look into that.  A win-win situation for all concerned.

Blessings.