"happy endings"?

Question

to all people connected to adoption, however you fit in, how do you feel about the happy ending stories?

many here have expressed painful, hostile or at times, down right bitter feelings about adoption. if you have these feelings how does it make you feel to hear about the system working (thats a rare comment!) and adoption was the best choice and the lives of those affected was improved by it?

in other words, do you get sick of hearing happy endings, or does it renew your faith that sometimes it actually works out?

Answer 1

Hi Rachael,

I'm happy for you & for Lori & for any adoptees who are happy.  I truly wish every story was a happy one.

No, it doesn't seem like you are disrespecting those who do see the problems with adoption.  The only adoptees who do that are the ones who either dismiss the pain of others or deny that problems exist at all with adoption.

As for renewing faith that adoption works out, I will respectfully point out that even the happiest American adoptees still do not have their rights even if they wanted them.  Even the happiest ones probably had a large sticker price on their head.  Even the happiest ones are still forever seen as children in the eyes of the law.

It is still my opinion that the happiest stories of all are the adoptions that do not have to happen in the first place.  Until that day comes, we should all be doing what we can to improve the system so as to minimize the unhappiness for the others as much as possible.  It would be helpful if the happys worked with everyone else to ensure truly happy stories for all adoptees, now & in the future.  Thanks for asking Rachael.  Peace,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 2

My aunt adopted a boy from Russia and I guess you could say they have a happy ending. He's very sweet and they are very happy.

edit: that guy below me sure is depressed. There are happy endings! The boy that was adopted is very very thankful to have such a wonderful family that loves him and that saved him out of his abusive and neglectful adoption house. They might not be dead yet like the guy below me says you have to be to know whether its a happy ending or not (which is a stupid theory) but I know both the boy and his new family are all-around happier people and have a happy ending already.

Answer 3

Even though I still wish I had not made the adoption decision, my birthdaughter had a pretty good life (a few obstacles) and her self esteem could use some work. We have had a happy reunion, not blissful, but happy. She is a lot like me and her bdad. We are happy to have her in our life again.

Answer 4

OHHH listen to mr happy phil m up there who thinks that nobody can have a happy ending! Any proof of that phil?

Define to me what you think is a happy ending?

My happy ending, is being placed with my aparents who love me. My happy ending was getting away from the abuse. I have my happy ending as far as my bios are concerned.

My REAL happy ending will be when I die knowing that all my REAL family are happy and content with their lives. That will be my REAL happy ending.

It depends on the person, and it is wrong of anyone to assume that adoption never has a happy ending.

You can tell anyone how to feel now phil, can you?

Or are you contradicting yourself yet again?

Answer 5

I just found out a yr. ago that I have a half brother.(I am 37) My mother had him at the age of 17 and gave him up for adoption. We have since met and I am soooo happy to have him in my family. Our situation is that my mom (our) is thrilled to have finally found him but because my brothers adoptive mom doesn't know that he was looking for us, we can't "publicly" show our happiness. (She told him as a young child that he was adopted but told him that he would not receive ANY information about his birth parents until after she died)

He wants to honor her wishes but he wants to be a part of our lives as well.  So, we have to be careful who we tell, because there may be a connection.

It ticks me off because I want to yell from the rooftops(ya corny i know)" I finally have the older brother I always wanted!!!!!"

This to me has been a happy ending except for my feelings towards my mother that have developed(negative) That my friend, is for another discussion!

Answer 6

I don't have any problem whatsoever with happy stories.  My own story is for the most part happy.  But that's the thing.  Real stories are a little bit of happy and sad.  Good and bad.  Light and dark. Yin and yang, you know?

My concern is that the term "happy ending" conveys the message that adoptees are some kind of 2 dimensional cartoon characters.  We are just people, all of us, who have good days and bad days.

I also think that some of our happy endings have more to do with our own support systems and the people we have in our lives to help us along the way.  And we all have different coping skills too.

I try not to judge people who have had experiences that are different than mine when it comes to adoption.  It is a sensitive and personal subject that should be treated with delicately.

Answer 7

You are right, they are not ending but just changes.  Here is my short story.  I'm one of 5 kids adopted by our parents when we were babies.  Here are the outcomes:

45 year old son: parents specifically put in paperwork that they wanted no contacts in the future.

43 year old daughter (me):  Birth mother found me when I was 26 and years after I started looking for her.  We are great friends now.  I met my father 3 1/2 years ago and he passed away 3 months later.  Great friends with cousin from his side.  My personality reflected my birth parents completely and I was always the black sheep of my adopted family though I love them like anyone would love their family.

41 year old son:  No interest in finding his parents whatsoever.

40 year old daughter:  Met mother and full bio sister and hates them.  They are weirdos to her and it was hard to get them back out of her life.  Loves a bio grand mother though.

38 year old son:  Has only found bio info including that he has a full brother.  Cannot find any other info.

See, all stories are different.  I'm just glad that mine turned out the way it did!  I always felt lost growing up.

Answer 8

I understand what you are asking, but there are no "happy endings."  The ending of the adoption story (just like every story, incidentally) only comes when the participants are dead.  Adoption is not a one time occurrence that, once you get past age one year, or ten years, or fifty years, ends.  The adoptee will experience the consequences of relinquishment (in whatever form) for the rest of their lives.  As will the adoptive parents and the original parents.  As will any children the adoptee has.  At what point do we identify "the end" and declare it happy?

(Point of comparison:  The "happily ever after" of fairy-tales is just that, a fairy tale.  The princess goes back to the castle and does...  what?  Do the prince and princess live forever?  Does she have any children?  Does she survive child-birth?  Are the kids good?  Bad?  There is no truly happy ending, because there is no real ending.)

As for me, with the stories you are talking about, I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I do not deny that sometimes, it's for the best.  But even then, there is a loss.  And until the person has breathed his or her last, we won't know whether he or she might feel that loss as a pain in life.  And we will never know what lies in their heart, unspoken, and perhaps even unacknowledged.  

What I am sick of hearing about is how my position about adoption is due to my "bad experiences" and that I should be quiet and quit ruining it for everyone else.  (I do not think that's what you are doing, Rachael.  But it seems to be the undercurrent - and sometimes not so under - from some people.)  It is possible to have had a relatively good experience and still think adoption is, at best, a complicated proposition.

ETA: Rachael...  Definitely NO, I'm not sick of hearing your story.  I am happy that others feel happy about their stories.  I feel conflicted about mine, but that ought not determine how you feel, and I hope I've never suggested otherwise.  But it also helps that you have never told someone else how they ought to feel, nor do you talk as though you want to chalk my ambivalence about adoption up to my "bad experiences."  As I said above, THAT'S what I'm sick of (other) people doing.

ETA2:  Sarahhhhhhhh, please read my answer more carefully.  I have suspicions about  happy endings, because there isn't an "ENDING" until someone dies.  I admit throughout this that people can be happy.  I'm happy.  Please don't attack me until you've actually READ what I wrote.

Answer 9

Rachael,

I know what you mean about that.  I'm happy with my life today and the opportunities I've had, plus I have a great reunion, to boot.  Sometimes I feel sort of guilty in a way because it's turned out so well for me, as I have a good life today.

That's not to say that there hasn't been a lot of "stuff" I've had to deal with that is adoption related.  All people have stuff with which they must deal, but adoptees have adoption related stuff that is specific to relinquishment and subsequent adoption.  I won't say that stuff isn't difficult at times.  But, I'm fortunate to have very good, supportive family and friends in my life.  I'm fortunate to have a life I enjoy.  I'm fortunate to have a reunion that has brought healing and enjoyment to my life and the lives of my first family's members, as well.

Like Phil, I don't like having to deal with the negative and sometimes accusatory assumptions of some.  I certainly don't feel I should have to justify myself, yet adopted people seem to be put in that position by some.

eta:

Okay, I do have to laugh a tad at Mama2FourPrincesses' comment that happy, fulfilled adoptees don't have time to post on forums, yet she says she's happy and fulfilled, but she's posting to a forum.  Huh?

Oh well, whatever.  I post to forums because I believe I can be of service to others in the adoption community by sharing my own experience.  I have a good life and much to do in it, but I choose for one of those things to be sharing here.  There are so many different aspects to adoption that I think it's important that many people share their experiences and what they have learned, so everyone here can see adoption in a fuller, more complete way.  I involve myself so that I can help to make adoption better.  I see nothing disdainful in that.

Mama2FourPrincess' comment was prejudicial and unkind.

Answer 10

i love to hear about happy endings really i do i just don't like adoption it just dumb like abortions

Answer 11

Mostly - I'm suspicious of who exactly got the 'happy ending' - as times changes much - & peoples views can change often - & adoption can mean different things depending on what side of the equation you stand on.

I know many an adoptee that has sprouted the 'happy ending' profusely - only to be curled up in a ball crying some time down the track.

Honesty - I don't care much for adoptive parents saying that they got a 'happy ending' - as - well - they get most of the 'wins' out of adoption. (meaning - I'm more concerned about the one's that get the most pain out of adoption - not many adoptive parents get pain - except if they get ripped off by adoptive agencies or if their little adoptee isn't grateful enough for their existence - which equates them to being bad parents in the first place by placing such pressures on the adoptee in the first place.)

For adoptees and first parents - if they truly did get a 'happy ending' - seriously - great.

Hey - they give us adoptees a little glimmer of hope that things could well get better.

I do hope this for you and Lori - although it's not an end - you're both still alive a kicking - and early in reunion. I wish you both all the very best in the future.

Sadly someone's 'happy ending' will too often come at someone else's profound loss and sadness.

I wouldn't wish adoption pain on my very worst enemy.

Honesty - 'happy endings' for me are to see a baby returned to his/her mother - such as has happened here on Y!A - as this mother really - in her heart - did want to parent - and her child will fit perfectly into the family she belongs to.

ETA: 'sorry' - is often said by adoptees that are having a good reunion - to those that aren't (it happens often at AAAFC forum). Rest assured - you don't need to feel that - most adoptees I know - are truly happy for their adoptee friends when things work out. I know none personally that would take offense. Seriously - adoptees often have bigger hearts than many non-adopted peeps that I know. I think it's because they've been through a lot - and they can often show great empathy. They're very good at validating feelings as well.

They just get very very pissed off when they're told to be grateful for their lack of good fortune - or - even better - 'just get over it'.

JMHO.

Answer 12

I am not bothered by your happiness. It gives me hope.

Answer 13

Rachael,

You are one of my first contacts here on Y!A.  I have never felt that you were trying to cram your story down anyone's throats.  Unfortunately, I find here on this board that it is the happy stories that are attacked.  

I understand that all adoptions have a different story or outcome.  I understand that there is bitterness associated with some adoptions.  What I don't understand is why we are attacking those with positive stories rather than embracing them and using them as examples of what reform can do for everyone.  

You experienced some negative things in your adoption - just look at the story about your bio dad.  We experienced some bad things in our adoption journey also.  But that doesn't mean we haven't had a positive experience overall and it SHOULDN'T mean that our voices aren't allowed to be heard.  

I am so sick and tired of hearing how adoption is such a horrible thing and should never happen unless it is foster care.  I understand that a lot of people feel that way, but not everyone does.  We need to be respectful of everyone.

There was a time on this category where people knew how to be respectful and not demean others for their own personal opinions.  Sadly, that time has gone and it is forcing a lot of good people away.  The truth is that happy stories have just as much a right to be shared as the bad stories.  

If we want to improve adoption overall, let's embrace each other and learn from the positive stories so that every adoption can benefit from that through reform.

Thanks for asking this question, my Y!A friend.

Answer 14

There are plenty of happy endings. And not all "happy adoptees" are in denial.  Many of us were placed in loving homes, and feel that our adoptive family is our "real" family.  The problem is that many  bitter adoptees/ and birth mothers are so angry that they even lash out at those of us that are happy with the circumstance of our lives.  There are no guarantees in life, I know plenty of people who were brought up by their biological families, and their lives sucked growing up.  There are happy endings, and when some of these angry people either "A" get help for their issues, or move on to another cause for their victim mentality, they will continue to spew their bitterness.

Answer 15

I'm not bothered by someone else's happy adoption story.  Since I don't know them, I can only take their word for it that they're happy, and it doesn't make me feel worse about my story.

Actually, what makes me feel really bad, is when I hear about adoptees that have been abused by their adoptive parents, I feel just horrible for them.  

Imo, happy adoptees have every right to their happiness, I would never try to take that away from them.  I would never wish the painful feelings I have on anyone else.  

However, I do object to happy adoptees telling adoptees like me to get over it, and stop whining, or AP's who tell us to be grateful and asking us "Would you have preferred to have been aborted"?   Or when happy adoptees tell PAP's "don't listen to the negative comments on here."  WTF, why not?!  Do our comments have less validity than theirs?

And I get seriously pissed off when it is suggested that we go find somewhere else to talk about our experiences, because NO one has the right to tell us to shut up just because they don't like what we're saying.  It's a two-way street, if happy adoptees can share about their happy experiences we should be allowed the same courtesy to share our less than glowing experiences.

Answer 16

I love yours and Lori's happy ending story

I love happy endings where the child's best interests have prevailed.   Happy endings where a child who really and truly needs a home gets one.

A happy ending for me would to see Adult adoptees treated as equal citizens under the law so that they can have access to their own identities, should they wish it

Answer 17

l love happy adoption stories. Beginnings..reunions and the like. All too often the only one's talking are those who are hurt - because they need a place to vent. Those who are happy and fulfilled are too busy enjoying their lives and relationships to have time to post on forums.

I was adopted as an infant. Although I don't have a relationship with my adoptive family anymore, I am fulfilled and content. I found my bio family after 12 years of searching, although my first mom wants nothing to do with me, I am thankful and appreciative that she gave me a chance at a life - instead of giving up and aborting my chance to live.

I am fulfilled and blessed to adopt several children, and prayfully hoping to adopt more.

I am where I am today because I know that I was created with a purpose and a plan. I know I wasn't a mistake and won't allow anyone to put a label of "failure or misfit" on me. I am self confident and self assured because I have been at the bottom and know what it is to look up to heaven and say, I need more than this in my life.

Now, I only accept the positive influences on my life and the lives of my impressionable children. It's adoption that gave me a chance to live, and God that made me whole.

www.adoptive-parenting.com

Answer 18

I never get sick of hearing about Happy Beginnings--I am adopted and I have one as well!

Answer 19

I have no right to answer this but want people to know that I too feel like Rachael at times. I don't want to cram anything down anyones throat or make them feel like (oh it's them again). I have learned so much here and still am very happy that I have a relationship with rachael and now her father. It has brought much peace to my heart. If I died tomorrow I'm pretty sure I would go feeling fulfilled. (No unfinished business.)

I respect you all and appriciate your input. I just sometimes feel a lttle gulty. Blessed, but guilty.

Answer 20

Both.  I don't resent the happiness of others, yet I find it hard to have "faith" in the goodness of adoption, particularly now when infants are pretty much sold to the highest bidder.

I believe I had the best placement possible.  I believe I am better off for having been raised by my a'parents.  I believe it was the best choice for my first mother.  

Yet I still find being adopted confusing and painful, in part because this "choice" was made for me.  Am I a "success story"?  Perhaps, but if so it is in spite of, not because of, my having been adopted.

As far as I'm concerned, Phil and Isabel nailed it.

Answer 21

Happy ending...no.  Best possible outcome for a bad situation...yes.  

I always knew that my adoption was a success story for me.  And I have only recently come to discover that my situation is exceptional, if not rare.  Searching allowed me to see the other side of the proverbial fence.  And now that I have seen what is there, I can honestly say that I lived on the better side and benefited hugely from greener grass.

Pain, loss, hostility, etc....of course I had those thoughts and feelings.  Although, somehow I was lucky enough for them not to become the over-riding thoughts and emotions.