"real" parents?

Question

"real" parents?

Does anyone else here ever feel their first parents are their real parents?

And does anyone else here read the above question and not feel insecure enough that they have to "correct" me on what "real parents" are?

Because I've always felt that both sets are real. You can't argue that there's more of nature or more of nurture in an adoptee - it is a balance of both.

The nature side *created* you and gave you life. Without that, you wouldn't have been born.

The nurture side raised you and taught you values. Without that, you would not be able to get through life.

Answer 1

I agree that both sets of parents are "real". Both sets of parents have a "real" inpact on the child's life, and each play a different yet important role. I think most adopees have room in their hearts and their lives for both their first-parents and adoptive parents.

Just because my husband and I are the parents raising our children, it doesn't make our children's first-parents unimportant, and just because our children will always have a special bond with them doesn't mean that we don't have a special bond as well- it's just different, and that's okay.

Answer 2

I agree. I think both sets of my parents are "real". But I do not feel connected to my biological parents besides the fact that without them I would not be here today.

My true parents will always be my adoptive parents because they are the ones who have raised me and I love them the most.

I feel extrodinarily grateful to both sets of my parents and wouldn't have my situation any other way.

Answer 3

i completely agree with you. i am adopted and i feel like my biological parents are also my real parents. it's not like my mom gave me up because she didnt want me. because then of course i would say that my adoptive parents are my "real" parents. but i mean my mom gave me up because she couldnt provide the things other people could. that was out of love. but i also think its whatever you want to believe and no one should tell you any different.

Answer 4

This is a very complex question.  Do we say that our birth moms are our real mom- or the mom and dad that raised us.  I feel that my adoptive parents are my parents- and my birth mom is my birth mom. It does not necessarily make you a mom or dad, just because you biologically had a child.  I am married to a wonderful man that was raised by his bio family- and sometimes he says he wished he had been parented by someone else.  So it is not necessarily the birthing process that makes you a mom.  I have 2 adopted children as well, and they always have thought of me as my real mom- and the precious women that gave them birth- their birth mother. JUST MY THOUGHTS

Answer 5

Well personally I have never used the term"real parents" and don't believe in  this term.As far as I am concerned,even though a couple reared me,I have no "real parents".The couple who reared me only did so because the wife desperately wanted to give her husband a child and could not do so herself.She always told me that I was LUCKY to be chosen and was always worried about putting on a face to others.Her husband was the only person who treated me as if I really was a part of him and when he died I lost that.My natural mother doesn't want any part of me and so she is not a parent of mine either.I adopted my eldest daughter out and consider myself her natural mother but I am only a mother and grandmother to my other two children and their children,not hers.Yes,to some extent I agree with you about both sets of parents having something to do with the lives of adoptees,but do strongly disagree with the term "real parents">

Answer 6

I'm adopted.  Both sets of parents are my real parents.   They all contributed to who I am in a very direct, parental way.  When I was a kid, another child referred to my adoptive parents as my 'foster' parents.  It ticked me off, as I had been in foster care and knew the difference.

My husband is not adopted, nor is he an AP or a first parent.  He basically knew nothing at all about adoption until we met and he prompted me to search for my first parents.  However, he only thinks of first parents as real parents, because he defines 'real' as meaning what occurred in nature (biologically)  in these cases.  I find it unusual that he does this, particularly since he has no personal connection to adoption, but he does.

Again, for me, both sets of parents are my real parents.

Answer 7

"Real" has always bothered me.

My mom is my mom... my real one. The one that has always been with me. My other "mom" is known as my "first" mom.

Answer 8

I completely agree with you, I think both parents were real in different ways. My birth parents are my real parents in that they created me, they gave me my genes, my basic personality, my dispositions, the way I first viewed the world.

My adoptive parents raised me, fed me, sent me to school and did their best to provide the best life for me.

Both sides have influenced my life. I believe both nature and nurture are very strong parts of my life.

Answer 9

Why should you have to decide? Birth-parents or First-parents are indeed real! Without those specific people you would not be who you are with all your special features and talents. For whatever reason, your first-parents decided to make a plan and you were raised by, equally real, adoptive parents. They are both real..  and you are absolutely entitled to feel love for both sets, to claim both sets as your parents - to not do so is to not recognize the unique gift of you - the combination of both sets of parents.

My children's first (birth) parents are no less real than I am... I may be the one who gets up all hours, kisses the boo boos and gets the hugs.. but I didn't give my daughter her gorgeous eyes and smile nor did I give my son his dogged determination and charming grin! I thank them and honor those unknown (not my choice - I would choose to know them) parents.

I am of the firm belief that children can not be harmed by having lots of people who love them and who are loved by them.. they will grow up to know how amazing ALL the parts of them are and how love is so much better when shared.

Answer 10

Dear Mei-Ling,

This is a question which often comes up when discussing adoption and is one that is loaded with personal emotion for each and every memeber of the "triad". I find it sad that there is an underlying "competition" for the affections of children that causes this - IMO, BOTH sets of parents are VERY real and both are paramount to the very existance of an adoption and even more so the the child. Without EITHER, adoption could not occur. Children have more than enough room in their hearts to have love for multiple people.

Each set of parents provides the adoptee with very real and very important aspects of their lives. Neither should be discounted or ignored. You are absolutely correct that it is a balance - I truely wish more people saw it that way.

As a First Mother, it pains me deeply to think that so many people assume that First Parents have nothing to offer or have no feelings when it comes to our children. Not a day goes by that I do not think of my children. The instincts of motherhood do not disappear with the signing of relinquishment papers. We still retain worry, wonder, hope, fears and most importantly, LOVE for our children. Our feelings are often ignored, belittled, invalidated, forgotten, overlooked and or even flat-out denied. The pain this brings can not be measured in words. A piece of paper does not make us less emotional nor does it change the DNA, blood, flesh or traits we share with our children any less "real" or important.

I certainly respect and value all that an Adoptive Parent feels, does and has to offer as well. They are absolutely real as well and I find it unfair that they are also under pressure to "prove" their "realness" to so many people. Their love, sweat and tears are all just as real as those of any biological parent and should not be discounted simply because there is not matching DNA.

Now while all of this is true, and both sets of parents real in the sense of the definition, I want to add that like "truth" in adoption, there is a element of personal feeling that is private and in somecases overwhelming for each individual. Every adoptee has their own PERSONAL "truth" and their own "realness" to find. This truth and this realness are based on the deepest and most inner and untouchable part of themselves. Their feelings about their parents are based on their personal experiences and knowledge - as are their personal truths about their adoption. These feelings create and define themselves on a level that no one else can determine and are valid - just as real as those of anyone else and should not be ignored, discounted or disrespected.

Truth and realtiy are dual entities in most people's lives - there is the truth and realness that the public sees and then there is personal truth and realness. Neither is any less than the other and it is up to the individual to find the balance that works for them.

Answer 11

So many thoughtful answers already.  And hmm, didn't I see this yesterday on your blog? And you might recognize part of my response as well. <grin>

I agree with you Mei-Ling. Of course both sets of parents are "real." It seems to me that trying to suggest anything else is putting the adoptee in a cruel position of having to take sides. And how can anyone do that without cutting out a piece of their heart? And if the people who brought you into the world, whose heritage you carry, are not “real”–then what does that make you? So it seems to me that if only one set of parents is going to be "real" then it should be the first parents. But to me my daughter has 3 sets of real parents -- her first parents in China, her foster parents for her formative first year in China, and my husband and me.

Of course any adoptee can decide for himself/herself what they want to call as well as think and feel about any of their parents. Only fair, as you didn't get to decide anything at the beginning.

To me, we are all real parents. And there is no reason that I can see for me as an adoptive parent to try to pretend my daughter's first parents are not real. If someone asks about my daughter's real parents, I know what they are asking and I answer accordingly. I don't feel insulted if that is the language someone uses -- I know my role in my daughter's life no matter what you call me.  (Now if they reveal stereotypes or prejudice with certain other language choices at the same time, all bets (and my gloves) are off!)

Answer 12

All my parents are my "real" parents.

I might use "real" when talking about my n-parents sometimes because it's easy to type, lol.  

But my aparents were wonderful people, I loved them dearly, so they are "real" parents in the way that they were excellent parents and did a terrific job.

My n-parents are "real" too, without them I would not be here, I take after my father so much it is insane.  I got my personality, my looks, my temperment, all from them.  Plus my abilities, my talents, my interests, etc.  I am a reflection of the people who created me and brought me into the world.

And I am enjoying getting to know her through reunion, we are building a very good relationship (finally).  How is that not "real"?

Great question!

Answer 13

Growing up my amother called my nmother "the woman who gave birth to you".

I now think of amother as the "woman who raised me".  Like a nanny or a maid.  I never had a nurturing/emotional relationship with her.

My nmother wonders if I rejected my amother as a very young child, or not 'attaching' in today's verbiage.  Maybe so.  I missed my MOTHER for as long as I can remember.  I was bereft without her.

I'm respectful of my APs, but we do not share values or opinions, as you suggest Mei-Ling.  We have a shared history-that's it. One can have shared history with a long-term co-worker...

My real mother, in the deepest recesses of my being is that woman who gave birth to me. I have her DNA in every cell in my body.  We share a language that is not understood by anyone else.

The only thing that has helped the pain of her loss in my life are my own children.  I try to focus on the future with them, and the present with my MAMA.

Answer 14

I think each individual has the right to define who their real parents are. Nothing is wrong about each ones own experience.

Answer 15

There's a difference in being a

          "sperm donor" and a father/daddy

                                      &

          "easy bake oven" and a mother/mommy

But you have a good point w/the nature/nurture thing

Kinda like "They gave you wings, but we taught you how to fly!"

It just depends on you outlook on life and your own thoughts.

Answer 16

I was adopted at 36 hours by my mom and dad. People ask me if I know who my real parents are, I say yes, they raised me. I don't know my birthparents, nor do I care to 24 years later. My mom may not have delivered me, but she is the one who raised me and taught me everything I know. She is my real  mom regardless of blood.

I call my biological parents just that. You are right, without them I wouldn't be here, but just because they created me doesn't grant them the right to be considered even my real parents. I am very thankful they chose to give me up and I know that they will always be connected to me in some sense, but I doubt they will ever be in my life, and therefore how can they be real to me?

Answer 17

well my biological parents raised me but i dont consider them "real" anything.

honestly anyone adopted should thank thier parents for bringing them home, they did it for love and the pure joy of it only.

not because they got knocked up. not because she missed a pill. not because it was a surprise.

just because they wanted to love.

god bless every set of adopted parents out there.

Answer 18

Only you can say who your "Real" parents are.

Who are the ones doing all the correcting? I doubt it's APs here, because of the ones that I have seen, they understand that a child has 2 sets of parents.

You can have 4 "Real" parents, if that is what you want

Answer 19

Just cause a man and a woman can have children, doesnt make them good parents.  I agree that,  real parents are the ones that raised the child to be the best that they can be when they grow up.

Answer 20

I hate it when anyone tries to tell me what to think, about my life. I have 1 set of parents, and then I have a birth mother. Why anyone else should have a vote on whom I call mom or what I name my parents is beyond me.