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<span title=""BiRTHMOTHER?????????????"?">"BiRTHMOTHER?????????????...</span>

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biomom???? Really????? No, that's pretty offensive.

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I think that when people make a polite and reasonable request, there's something wrong and possibly even hostile about not complying.

I also think that when it's made clear that someone is being hurt by particular words or deeds, it's cruel to persist in that behaviour.

It looks to me that currently the term that's least offensive to most women who've lost a child to adoption is "first mother", so where's the harm in using that?

It's a good term that fits the bill.

Personally, I'm not particularly troubled by any term, provided it's used respectfully. I'm another one who's rather fond of 'biological mother', since I'm proud of that particular connection to my son, and I don't accept at all that it means our connection ended at birth. I don't even blanche at "birthmother". I've used it to describe myself under certain circumstances, and will continue to do so when I think it's appropriate.

However, I wouldn't use either term here because I know it offends others who don't feel as I do. These names aren't so close to my heart as if I created them or anything.

When people insist on using terms they *know* upset a number of the people to whom they're talking, they're being quite the opposite of respectful.

They're being insulting, and that reflects far more on them than the people at whom their insults are directed.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I guess I am not understanding....

Are you a mom who has given your child up for adoption?

and you ARE a birthmother?

I have not given any of my children up for adoption and I am still and always will be their birthmother... Not that I am thinking about it, but what if my husband and I were to divorce and he was to marry someone else.... She would be the "Step-mother" but I would still be their "birthmother"

I guess I just don't think it is anything to be getting offended about. I can't be sure that it was meant in a bad way, but I for one don't see it that way.

You are a birthmother whether you like it or not if you have ever given birth to a baby.....

Don't take offense to it, and don't allow people to make it a derogatory remark to you or anyone else
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I'm an adopted child (I was four). So lets see, I had a Birth Mother, 12 Foster Mothers, and my mother now. We were never taught what to call them. It depends on your family structure on what you want to say. My mom tells me to call her my Birth Mother, and that is what she calls her too.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
As an adoptee and a relinquishing mother I have always used the term "natural mother" and I don't see why,whether I am relatively new to this space or not,why I should change my way of thinking after 44 years.Does it really matter what terms are used as we all know what we mean.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I usually use birth mom and sometimes biological mom when speaking in reference . My kids are adults and this is what we have always used .Their good with it so thats what I will continue to say. I really think it would be impossible to please everyone.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I was adopted when I was 9 hours old and met my mom when I was 18. I have found that now I don't even use any word other than Mom. When I was growing up with my adoptive parents, she was still mom. I was lucky that the home that I grew up in was very open about everything concerning my adoption. It makes it alot easier from a childs point of view. People do look at me a little strange when I am with one of them and tell them oh I talked to mom! (They have known eachother since before I was born. It was kind of like an inter family adoption)
Report (0) (0) | earlier
Thank you, Tish!  Someone who gets it.

First doesn't mean "first place."  It denotes an order in which events occurred.  That's all.

Birthmother is very offensive to me.  I'm adopted and I would never speak so poorly of my first mother as to consider her nothing more than a vessel for 'birthing.'

You see how it goes?  These women are the most selfless, loving, wonderful examples of motherhood when they are making their "adoption plans."  A good, responsible mother would see that her child is better off being adopted, people say.  If that be the case, then these women did a h**l of a lot more than just "give birth."  They made an unbelievably difficult, life-altering, painful decision, all to give their child (hopefully) a "better opportunity."  Yet, these people who say this then turn around and disrespect these women by referring to them as nothing more then "birth" mothers, saying that all they did was "give birth."  THAT is dismissive.

Yes, of course, "birthmother" is an industry term.  The industry uses it to remind women who are considering adoption that their role in all of this is to come out of it a "birth" mother.  Having very little respect for the adoption industry, I couldn't care less that this is an industry term.  Dismissive and hurtful doesn't go away just because it's an industry term.  Actually, the fact that the industry would use it makes it even more dismissive and hurtful.

I don't find natural mother to be dismissive to my adoptive  mom at all.  She did not, BY NATURE, come to be my mother.  She came to be my mother by other methods.  My first mother came to be my mother via nature (had s*x, went through the  natural, biological process of pregnancy, gave birth, etc.)  I see the word "natural" as referring to "nature."

I still use first because it's just so pragmatic, in the same way the term "original mother" is pragmatic.  It denotes timing and a series of occurrences.

Here's the real bottom line for me, however.  If women are saying they feel hurt by being called "birthmother," then why on EARTH are there people defending it?  Have some respect and don't use it.  Unless, of course, you just have no respect for these women.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
I think most of you are missing the point. Some women are fine with being called birthmother. We all know that. But some are not just offended by it, they are deeply hurt by it. Many of the first mothers I talk to and work with have been diagnosed with PTSD. (myself included) The word birthmother can be a huge trigger for them. It hurts them on a level that most people understands and interferes with their healing. I just don't see why anyone would want to do that to another human being when it is so easy to avoid.

On another note, why do first parents and adoptive parents have to be oppisites? I have never thought that natural parent imlies the APs are unnatural. In parenting nature and nurture go together. I always thought of myself as the natural mom and the AP as the nurture mom. The oppisite of birth is death so are APs death parents? Its all pretty silly.

I have had APs tell me that the term adopter hurts them so I don't use it. It would be nice to be shown the same respect and compassion

Red, I am so sorry you are hurting. If you need to talk feel free to email me.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I use that term from time to time when I'm talking to someone who won't know what a first mom is (because "PC" adoption language is all they've ever heard), or when it seems appropriate for one reason or another, but generally speaking, I try to avoid that term.  In my work, anyone who is biologically related is called "bio ___" (this covers any child not in their natural parents' care, not just adoptees).  Some of these kids have had 15 mom's.  No one would know what I meant if I said "first mom" at work.  I have asked before (although I really ought to post my own question about this, but I keep forgetting) if bio is offensive.  It covers so much more (in my mind - and I have never given birth, so I don't claim to know what it feels like) than just giving birth.  The term bio, for me, honors all the biological connections between a mother and child - all those things that I can't touch.  Beyond that, I just don't know a lot of people IRL who have been affected by adoption, and they don't know what I'm talking about at first, so it takes awhile to educate everyone around me.  Not to mention that it would be impossible to get my work to use these terms.  It's too big, and no one would care, unfortunately.

ETA:  I <3 Stinky Pete's answer.  That went straight to my soul.  Thank you, Stinky Pete!
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
You are referred to as "birth mother " Because all you did for you child is give birth. You did not raise your child you gave him or her up for somebody else to raise. That is the truth.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
Really? This again?

I know... I KNOW there is no chance that anyone will like this answer but here's my two cents worth anyway.

KNOCK IT OFF PEOPLE! LOOK AT THE REAL PROBLEM HERE! Birthmother is the accepted politically correct term, and I am so sorry if you have decided to get so wound up in the literal meaning of the words to recognize the fact that its NOT THE TERM THAT HURTS, ITS THE MEANING YOU CHOOSE TO PUT BEHIND IT. Anyway you slice it, all adoptions are not going to be a bed of roses. They all hurt someone at some time or another.

Everyone is always trying to be so politically correct right now that we are totally forgetting the whole problem. Everyone is getting offended by our language. Adoptive parents are feeling unnatural and second place. Birthparents feel like birth was all they were good for. Adding Biology into the mix makes it seem dehumanizing.... There is no right answer here. Someone will always find something offencive. And while i respect people's emotions I really honestly do, I feel like we are just hurting ourselves when we over analyze these terms.

What I'm trying to say is : Focus on the feelings and the emotions of all of this to solve problems. We are all only adding to the problems when we choose to attach all our negative feelings to a word.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I'll try to use first mom but I've been her birthmom since 1972 and it's a hard habit to break. She uses the term birthmom too.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
My natural mother doesn't like the term firstmom, she considers it "cult speech" (and she should know as she used to belong to one).

She prefers that I call her my birthmother.

Which makes it really, really uncomfortable for me knowing how it gets some people's dander up.

She was very hurt once when I introduced her to friends simply by her first name.  She wants to be identified as having a relationship to me.

So what do I do?  Use the phrase she would like that others find offensive or use the phrase that is currently "hip" and offend her?

All this terminology is just another way to keep everyone apart.  It doesn't help anyone and it is really hard on us adoptees.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
I can honestly say I didn't realize it was offensive.  I am sorry if I've offended you.

My next question is why?  Seriously, not to be insensitive or insulting, I'd like to learn why birth mom is so terrible and natural mom is ok?

I don't think it speaks VOLUMES about my character that I didn't realize YOU and SOME people find that term offensive.  I will not use that term anymore out of respect for you, but I don't get it.

Also, not every first mom thinks the way you do...not EVERY mom is offended by the term birth mom.  It has negative feelings for you and some first moms, but not for everyone.

It is kind of like the African American versus Black issue.  I have many friends who hate the term African American as they don't feel a connection to Africa (any more than I do Ireland) and one friend told me "it sounds like you're trying too hard"....I'd get fired from my job if I used the term Black.  Not every black or African American person feels the same way.

It isn't like the N word where it is meant to be hurtful, meant to be dehumanizing, meant to be rude.  There is no clear cut..that is mean, insulting or hateful.

I'm not saying you aren't hurt by it and I'm sorry you are, I just frankly do not understand why birth mom is sooooo awful and natural mom is ok.  You're the mother who gave birth to the baby.....what if adoptive moms don't like adopted mom.......

Anyway, I don't want to cause you any more hurt, you have a lot of feelings that I've never had to deal with......but I think people use it the same reason I did, they didn't realize it was so horrible to you.

ETA:

In reading some of the answers I can see where "Birth"Mom may be offensive due to its origins....but that was then, this is now.

However, we are paying so much attention to the birth, first, natural, biological, that we are not seeing the important word.......MOTHER.

I don't think most people on this board know the origins of the term birth mother...I'm a foster care/adoption social worker, I have a masters degree and 10 years experience, and I hadn't heard that.  I just don't like the term real or natural.

Like I said, I'll use first mom on this board out of respect for you and the people who feel that way!
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
I was adopted, and I've had two friends who have either adopted themselves or put their child up for adoption. And I don't understand why it matters. Birthmother, natural mother, first mother...It's like calling a janitor a maintenance supervisor. It's the same thing. I don't understand why people get so upset about something so trivial. So sorry, I can't help you understand. I don't understand it myself. Bring on the thumbs-down...it's just silly. Really.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
The only time I use that term (as bmom) is when referring to my mother's bmom because that is how she and my mom refer to her, when clarification is needed. It is what she prefers -- I know because I asked.

Outside of that I don't refer to a mom as anything else -- just mom, it's usually enough.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I am one that has changed to using "natural" mother...  becasue of a nice personal request via email...  but I am conflicted with it.  As an adoptive parent, it kind of makes me feel like an "unnatural" parent.  And yes, I get the fact that I am not my son's biological parent, but it does bother me.

I don't want to use one term in here and another one with my son.  WHAT SHOULD I USE?
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
No matter what term you use it is going to offend some one. This topic has been brought up before and it has been explained that although terminology is important in refference to legislation and change, it is best to stick with what is comfortable to you and your particular situation. I have said it before. The only term that offends me is crack w***e and that's because crack wasn't invented in the BSE. My only concern is "THAT" my daughter calls me, not what she calls me. I switch up my terminology on a regular basis so as not to be offensive to anyone on a consistant basis. I have been called so many things over the years, it just makes me laugh any more. I can see where the first mom and first family thing can be offensive to AP's. I can see the whole real mom thing being offensive. I really don't care what others call me. I only care "THAT" my daughter continues to call me. If you can come up with an agreed upon term let me know. It could be a great so conspirator project, bring all sides together for the greater good.

I'm just having fun now so stay with me. I have thought about introducing my daughter to people as my "Biological" daughter. Have you ever thought about that? What kind of response do you think I would get if I did that? I feel that her parents are her parents and that they deserve the title, but how do I associate myself with my daughter without calling her "my" daughter? My natural daughter, birth daughter, biological daughter, tummy daughter, FIRST daughter? That one would imply that I have more than one, which I do not, and open a whole list of questions or raised eyebrows.

To me it's small stuff compared to my relationship with my daughter. I try not to sweat the small stuff, especially since there is no way to win. Someone will always find one of these terms offensive.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
As an Adoptive mother, I think I am damned no matter what term I use...I have been slammed via email no matter what term I use. Birth mother is degrading...Well she gave birth to him. Bio-Mother = same thing. First mother was a term other's laughed at.

So, I am sticking to the term original's (mother, father, etc) and will probably get hate mail for that one too.

And for being so sensitive to original mother's feelings, I am beginning to take offence to always being referred to as an AP. I am his mother. Yes, he has another mother and without her, I would not have him in my life, but I am the one that kisses and hugs him when he is hurt, I am the one going to the school to fight for him, I am the one that takes him to his counseling twice a week to deal with his abandonment issues with his original mother and the abuse of his original father. I am the one dealing with his issues because of his original, birth, bio, natural whatever parents. Sometimes, when doing all of this, I would prefer to call them donors. Nothing more, nothing less.

But hey, I have to take being nothing more than an Adoptive Mother, because so many here think I took my son from his rightful parents. But, all I am guilty of is offending people by not getting the correct terminology and loving my son unconditionally. Could be a lot worse!

ETA: My anger on this issue is directed towards the subject, not the person asking the question.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I think they still use that term because

it is a habit,

they find adding it to a conversation is less confusing for others,

or are comfortable with it
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I am an adoptive parent.  I've known at least 200 other adoptive families personally, and perhaps a thousand online.  I have never met anyone, ever, who calls their child's biological mother anything other than "birth mother" or "biological mother."

I asked my adopted 12-year-old yesterday if she did not like the term "birth mother" in reference to her Chinese mother, and would it be more respectful if we called her something else.  She rolled her eyes at me and said, "Birth mother is fine, Mom.  You've been reading Yahoo Answers again!"

There has been a lot of talk on here about respectful language in regard to the adoption triad.  Well, I can tell you that "natural mother" is offensive to me as an adoptive parent.  What does that make me, an "unnatural" mother?  I don't think so.   Adoptees and their bio parents are not the only ones in the triad with feelings.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
Can't help you to understand that one. Even before I considered adoption, I thought that term sounded pretty cold. I didn't know what other term to use back then.  We always say just "mom" "your mom" "my kids' mom" and no one's ever been confused.  My kids were older adoptees, so they have pretty clear memories of their mom.

I have a neighbor, also an adoptive mom, who really gets bent if someone talks about her daughter's real mom. She corrects them right away to explain that she's the real mom, the other woman was the birth mom, never did any parenting. Honestly, I think it's insecurity.  She gets flustered when she hears my kids joking with me that I'm the 'second best mom' they ever had.  She finds that offensive. I take it as a compliment.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
i've noticed too... kudos to those who listened.

to those who really don't see the issue...

the origins of "birthmother" are what's offensive.  it was used to demean those women who were not "worthy" of parenting, because they were unmarried or "worldy"; yet simply "breeders" for those who were the "good women" but were unable to conceive.

i see nothing wrong with the term "first."  it's denotes seriation.  in that, the child has two mothes; and the one who nurtured him/her during pregnancy, endured labor and delivery was the *first* mother. contrary to what many wish to believe, pregnant women also mother their children.  don't think for one minute that that perfect little bundle of joy is simply a matter of coincidence. just ask those who are parenting children born addicted to drugs or as a result of poor prenatal care (not the majority of adoptees, btw.)

we can debate semantics until the cows come home.  yet, when looking at adoption, one thing remains; the child has two sets of parents.  although the aparents have LEGAL rights over the child, the first parents' simply can't be erased or dismissed as "birth-things."

it's simply a matter of respect.

ETA: i gave BIRTH to all of my children. and would have a few choice words for anyone who would refer to me as birthmother. also, 'step-mother' is not a good analogy, in that there is no negative connotation attached to the term; simply that she is a parent by virtue of marriage. it really doesn't demean her role in the child's life, unlike birthmother does.

also, i have N.E.V.E.R. been referred to as a "birth-anything", except by the adoption agency who wanted my non-drug addicted black baby so that a wealthy black couple who wrote a check, could buy a kid to pass off as their own!

additionally, some women are cool being called "b*tch" or other "questionable terms", so does that make it ok for others to be called that too?  just because someone is comfortable being demeaned and reduced to their reproductive functions, please don't transfer that lack of self-respect on others.

birthmother is a derogatory term. it's used only by the adoption industry to psychologically disconnect pregnant women from their children for profit. and if one is comfortable being called that, cest le vie!  but let's not try to normalize it.

the way some of you talk about your first mothers, she would have done better to choose abortion. seriously, some of you have no effing idea that your current health probably has a great deal to do with your prenatal health...by that "birth-thing!"

i'm snarky today...i guess it's all the pregnancy hormones and edema.  you know that trivial stuff that us "birthmothers" have to endure.

ETA: ok...i've read some of the new posting and people wish to tell us to "get over it" and not to "get so worked up" and that "birthing is what we did, so what's the big deal?"  then let's suggest this:

WHY ARE APARENTS LISTED ON AMENDED *BIRTH* CERTIFICATES???? if they did not give birth and that trivial birth stuff was done by the "birthmother" then why the need to fake it????  if we can easily diminish one mother's role, then why not the other?  if we are so fine labeling a fmom based on her "function", then damnit, why can't we label aparents based on their function and nix all the fake amended birth certificates!  h**l, if adoption is such a normal thing, then why not have an "adoption certificate!"  but somehow, i don't think that will flow too well..
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
i was adopted and have never heard these terms until today.....whateva
Report (0) (0) | earlier
ap= adoptive parent

pap=prospective adoptive parent

I hear what some of you are saying about the term "birthmother" but if you have not lost a child to adoption then your opinion doesn't count.  If a woman says she is hurt by the term  "birthmother" then for goodness sakes don't call her that!

My fav is First Mother.  Thats what she is, the childs first mother.  It sounds more "honoring" to me.  Yep, i'm the second mom but in no way second best.

pfm= prospective first mother======expectant mother.

Yeah, just figured that one out on my own.  Littttle sssssloww.  Still learning....

ETA:  Red and Sassy, just read your eta. lol, we must of wrote at the same time.  Great minds think alike. lol.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
Birth mother is a industry term. Go to any agency and that is the term that is used in all the paperwork. Sorry if you don't like it, but we didn't make it up.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
I'm not sure what they were saying before, but here at my house where I'm a step-mom, I'm told that I'm a fake mom (by my 6yr old step son) and his biomom is his real mom. I know he doesn't mean anything by it but it hurts to be told you're a fake. No, I don't just play mom, I have a 2yr old daughter of my own and he lives with us and only has visitation with his biomom. I do everything I can to treat him as my own.

I saw on a website that involves stepparents/bioparents/adoptive parents that they refer to themselves as bonus moms and dads. They tell their children that they are extra special and have 2 of each.

Not all people are accepting of a family that is not totally natural.
Report (0) (0) | earlier
Glenna:

AP = adoptive parent

PAP = potential adoptive parent

Kim'sKorner, with all due respect as you haven't surrendered a child you really don't have a clue how mothers such as myself who have surrendered feel about the term.

You wrote:  "You are a birthmother whether you like it or not if you have ever given birth to a baby.....

Don't take offense to it, and don't allow people to make it a derogatory remark to you or anyone else"

Right there are various reasons why first/natural/original/biological mothers find it offensive and derogatory including it dehumanises us so you may as well call as baby breeders or incubators .... I've even read on a forum an  adoptee refer to her first mother as her carrier.

Yes I can see your point that all mothers who give birth are birth mothers but unless you have walked our walk you don't have a clue what you're talking about.

Try reading the full article that I have taken this from:

   Investigating, I learned that U.S. social workers had collaborated about 30 years ago to invent their own list of contrived terms to appease their adopting clients. Adopters no longer wanted anyone to use the original term "natural mothers." Why? Three reasons: 1) it indicated respect for the mother's true relationship to her child - she could not be written-off as a "convenient s**t" whose only value was reproduction, 2) it recognized that the sacred mother/child relationship extended past birth and even past surrender, and 3) it implied that the adoptive mother's relationship to the child was unnatural.

...

Deliberately creating the term "birthmother" was a further attempt to break the bond between mother and child; in addition to altering birth records to indicate that adopters gave birth, sealing the original birth certificate, and changing the child's identity with a false adopted name. Adoption is built on lies and denials of truth, so we mothers shouldn't be surprised that "Respectful Adoption Language" is just another deceitful ploy.

http://www.keepyourbaby.com/why_birthmot...
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
We refer to my children's mother as "Liberia mom."  And I'm "America mom."  It seems to work for them.

As to the term "birthmother" it's how we were educated by doing research into adoption.  No offense is meant by it; in fact I didn't consider it an offensive term.

I don't like 'natural' mother, because it sounds like the adoptive parents are supposed to be 'unnatural'.  I'm not sure I like "first mom" because if the adoptive mother is "second mom", can there be a "third" "Fourth" "fifth" mom in a succession?  It attacks the permanence of adoption, IMHO.

Is there a term that is respectful to the woman that carried the child AND the woman that adopted the child?

If birthmom offends, then I'll try to be more attentive to what I type.  The intent isn't to attack or to imply that the role is only to give birth.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
Red & Sassy,

My first response to this question was that it must be no different than the mud that is thrown towards APs as being barren baby stealers or vultures.  But then I saw the question was from you.

You have been one of my contacts for a long time.  We may not always agree on things (smiles) but I respect you and your answers.  I would never use anything towards you that I felt would offend you personally, and if I have, I apologize.

For me, I use the term that we use in our family - our son's bio grandparents call themselves "biological grandparents" or "birth grandparents".  For us, it is a term that is in our lives as much as "mother-in-law" or "sister-in-law".  We do not use it to be offensive, but out of respect as the bio family has chosen to refer to themselves as that.  Of course, when referring to them with our son, we just call them "Grammy & Pop Pop".  : )

For me, personally, it is very difficult to use the term "first" or "natural" when referring to my son's own bio parents because of the abuse and neglect that were associated with them.  They never truly "parented" this child and it's difficult for me to think of them as though they did.  They did, however, contribute to the genetic (or biological) make up of my son and it is easier for me to associate the "bio" part to that than it is to call them "first" or "natural".  I am glad that his family chose the "biological" term to use when describing their association.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that when I put my answers here on Y!A, I try to equate them to my own experience and use the terms that we use in our family.  It is not meant to be offensive to you or any other parent on the board.  I do hope you understand.
Report (0) (0) |   earlier
I'm trying to change what I use - but it does come out pretty much as habit. I first heard the term used by mother in reference to her son, so that's always what I thought of.

Personally, I don't see it as something that is offensive - the birthmother is the woman who gave life to a child - there really isn't anything more important than the woman who created you and gave you life. I've come to realize that for too many women, though, the word sort of embodies the work of the unscrupulous agencies, facilitators, lawyers, family members who pressured them or lied to them. It's not so much about the word itself - but what that word represents.

But - having learned that some find it so deeply offensive, I'm trying very hard to NOT use it - though it comes out here sometimes when I'm typing, just because I'm typing so fast. I haven't tried to change it because of the people who just don't like anything PAPs/APs do - but for the ones who find it physically painful to hear/read. I've stopped using it in real life - even had a "disagreement" with my agency because I don't want to use it, and am encouraging my family to do the same.

I do wish that others would do the same as far as some of the terms thrown at APs - someone mentioned the word "adopters" - it is offensive to me. But I also realize that the pain mothers are feeling by the word "birthmother" isn't anything compared to how the word "adopter" offends me.

So, anyway - I'm trying. And if it still comes out, sorry for that.
Report (0) (0) | earlier